(929) Organic unfolding – Part 2 of 8

Post #929
[Private journal entry written on Friday, August 24, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

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Me: Oh, I wanted to tell you about the CASA stuff . . .

Edward: I’d love to hear about it!

(I smiled)

Me: So, it sounds like they are very interested in having me as a CASA. The biggest obstacle is the training schedule . . . it conflicts with my teaching schedule . . .

It sounds like they are not willing to be flexible, or to consider other scheduling options, so I guess I’ll just have to figure out how to make it work on my end. But, I have a year to get it figured out . . . I’m sure I can.

Edward: I’m very sure you’ll be able to figure it out!

Me: I think so, too . . .

I’m really excited about doing the CASA thing . . . the idea of it feels really good to me . . . it feels “right” . . .

I’m finding that the excitement is making it much easier to take better care of myself . . . I know I need to have healthy habits in place before I start the training . . . it will be very important that I take good care of myself through training, and then afterward as I start doing the volunteering. I know I’ll be dealing with some really heavy stuff that will be triggering for me.

Photo by Martin Chen

The good news is that the excitement is giving me momentum and I’ve already started implementing some healthier habits.

Before I started down this path, I was trying to motivate myself with dating . . . I was trying to “get healthy” so that I could have a better shot at manifesting a romantic relationship . . . I was trying to become “good enough” to be loveable. Instead of being a motivator, the idea of trying to be “good enough” triggered me and I kept ending up in a lump, under my covers, fighting off depression.

So, the CASA stuff is a totally different kind of motivation . . . I already feel “good enough” to be a CASA . . . a kid isn’t going to care how much I weigh . . . he’ll only care if I’m really seeing him, if I really care about him. So, instead of trying to become “good enough”, my focus is on putting myself in the best position to support what I want to do.

Because I already feel like I’m “enough” in relation to CASA, it’s not triggering for me . . . well, not much anyway. The few times I have gotten triggered, it hasn’t been much, and it’s been manageable. There is no longer a heavy emotional weight jeopardizing my efforts. It has become more about establishing and shifting habits . . . and figuring out how to ensure mechanisms are in place that support those healthy habits . . .

Does that make sense? I feel like I’m rambling . . .

Edward: Yes, it does make sense.

Me: I guess, bottom line, when I do get stressed or tired or a bit depressed, I’m able to simply create some downtime and allow myself to process whatever is going on . . . then I can get back in the game pretty quickly . . .

In the past, much of my focus has been on trying to escape the pain . . . or wanting to disappear or hide . . . and now it’s more that I’m truly relaxing and giving myself a break during my downtimes.

So, I’m actually making progress on things and feeling excited . . . I’m feeling good . . . even when I’m not distracted by teaching, I still feel good . . . and that is really nice.

(We sat without speaking for a few moments as Edward watched me carefully. I looked at the floor and flicked the rim of my coffee cup . . . finally, he spoke . . . )

Edward: Tell me more about that . . . what is that like for you to be motivated and to feel good on a sustained basis?

Me: Um . . . I’m not sure what else to say about it . . . I mean, it feels good . . .

(Laughing nervously) Is there something in particular you are looking for me to say?

Edward: (Smiling) No . . . I just wanted to see if there was more for you to say about it.

Me: Ummm . . . no . . . not really.

Edward: Okay! That’s absolutely okay!

Me: (Smiling) Okay . . . good . . .

So, what would you like to talk about now?

Edward: What has been foremost on your mind lately? Is there something like you have a sense would be good for us to talk about?

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Of course, the one thing that is always on my mind is the dating stuff . . . but I didn’t really have anything new to say about it . . . just more of the same. I figured the conversation would probably end up going into the dating stuff, but I wasn’t in too big of a hurry to lead it there. I really am tired of hashing the same old issues . . .

Suddenly, I remembered something else I wanted to tell him about . . .

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Me: Oh, yes! I wanted to tell you about a coaching session we had at the conscious business network meeting recently . . . the coachee was talking about all the neat things that are happening in her life and how sometimes it scares her to the point of taking her breath away . . . she was really focused on the fear and kept talking about it . . .

The coach smiled and said, “Let’s not pretend that you wouldn’t say yes to every good thing that is coming into your life right now.” Of course, the coachee had to acquiesce.

(At this point in my telling of the story, I realized that this story was going to lead right into the dating issue . . . which meant we were getting into the dating stuff sooner rather than later . . . oh, well . . . too late now . . . I continued with my story . . . )

Me: As soon as I heard the coach say that, I realized that I’ve been pretending that I wouldn’t say yes to a romantic relationship if one showed up . . .

I’ve been pretending that, if an opportunity to date a quality guy fell into my lap, I would not even acknowledge it, I wouldn’t say yes to it. But, that’s not true. If a neat opportunity fell into my lap, I would say yes.

Edward: (Gently) Tell me more about that . . .

Me: If some guy showed up and asked me out on a date, and if he seemed like a quality guy and it felt to me like a safe situation, I would say yes to it; I would explore that possibility.

Edward: Someone like Luke?

Me: Yes, someone like Luke . . . or George . . .

Edward: I’m sorry . . . I’ve forgotten who George is . . .

Me: He the guy I had a crush on after I had the crush on Luke . . . he was my coach when I was the coachee at a conscious business network meeting a while back . . .

Edward: Oh, yes . . . now I remember . . .

Me: On the other hand, I’m not going to go looking for a romantic partner, or to allow myself to dwell on that possibility. I don’t want to spend time and energy on it because it is painful and a waste of time. But, as I said, I wouldn’t not say yes if a quality opportunity presented itself.

Edward: I understand what you are saying . . .

(We sat without speaking for a few moments . . . )

Me: Are you waiting for me to say something?

Edward: Not particularly . . . mostly, I’m sitting with you . . . being with you . . . being with your emotions . . .

(I glanced up at him but didn’t say anything . . . )

Edward: I have the felt-sense that there is a lot of heavy emotion around your last statements . . .

(I shrugged a bit as a way to deflect the accuracy of his observation . . . we sat in silence for another minute as I debated about what to say next . . . then I allowed him access into my feelings . . . )

Me: Yeah, I suppose there is a lot of emotion there.

Edward: Tell me about that . . .

Me: I don’t believe that is ever going to happen.

Edward: You don’t believe what is ever going to happen?

Me: The dating stuff . . . no neat opportunity is ever going to drop into my lap . . . it is silly of me to even waste my time thinking about that.

Edward: And . . . ??

Me: But I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop hoping. I am aggravated with myself for having hope. That hope is painful.

(My voice started quivering with emotion) I don’t want to have hope. I really don’t want to have hope.

Edward: (Hand on his heart) Ouch.

Me: (After a pause) Well, you know what I mean . . . it’s not the hope that is painful; it’s the let-down afterward.

Edward: Ouch.

(We sat in silence again, for a bit)

[Continued in the next post . . . ]