Posted by: Marie | May 26, 2014

(930) Organic unfolding – Part 3 of 8

Post #930
[Private journal entry written on Friday, August 24, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

————–

Edward: Can you tell me more about that . . . ??

Me: Well, like with George . . . I hoped he would read at least some of my blog . . . and when he did actually start reading my blog, it was like a fantasy come true . . . a neat guy was wanting to get to know the “real me” by reading my blog . . .

I spent a lot of time tracking his progress and fantasizing about how, once he finished reading it, he would want to get to know me in person . . . and we would fall in love and live happily ever after . . .

Of course, that didn’t happen . . .

Edward: Do you assign any value to the fact that he took the time to read your entire blog?

Me: Actually, he didn’t read the entire blog . . . he read through about 600 of the posts . . . I think he made it as far as #590, or something like that . . . then he had his seminar and didn’t read for a couple of days. Then, the night after the last day of his seminar, he read like 30 more. So, he got to like #610 and then stopped. He never read the last 80 posts.

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Photo by Martin Chen

Of course, I don’t even know that it was him reading my blog. I really wanted it to be him, but chances are, it was not him. So, that means I built up this huge fantasy in my mind based upon something that probably wasn’t even real.

Edward: But you do know it was him, right?

Me: I think so, but I don’t know.

Edward: Marie, I think you do know . . .

Me: No, really, I don’t know . . . I can only tell from my blog stats that it was someone in the United States. The stats are broken down only to the country level, not to the state level. So, it could have been anyone in the United States.

It’s true that there were a lot of coincidences around the timing of emails and his schedule, but that is really all I had to go on. It could have been any one of a million people.

Edward: (After a lengthy, thoughtful pause) I’d like to go back into the possibility that it was him . . . if you are willing to go back into that space . . .

Me: Okay, sure . . .

Edward: Just for the sake of argument, let’s say that you did know, for sure, that it was him.

Me: Okay . . .

Edward: So, it was George reading your blog, and he didn’t invest the time to finish reading your entire blog . . . and he never contacted you, he never reached out in an effort to get to know you . . .

That would be evidence of what . . . ??

Me: It is evidence of my reality . . . that’s what always happens . . . I reach out and I get rejected . . . I will never have a healthy romantic partnership . . .

(Angrily) What happened with George is what always happens . . . and what will always happen . . .

Edward: And that is evidence of what . . . ??

Me: That I’m not loveable.

Edward: Ouch.

Me: (Almost sarcastically) Yeah, ouch.

(More silence . . . )

Edward: Marie, what’s happening with you right now?

Me: I’m just thinking about the “having hope” stuff . . .

I keep saying to myself: Why do you do this? How stupid of you to have hope . . . to spend time on these fantasies when you know very well that it’s never going to happen. Why spend time and energy on building up your hope for something that is never going to happen? You know it’s a waste of energy and you know the letdown afterward is inevitable and painful . . . so why do you keep doing it? Just stop! Just stop doing it! It’s stupid . . . and it’s an irresponsible use of time and energy . . . there are so many other things you could be doing with your time!

Edward: Is it irresponsible of you to have hope . . . and to spend time having fun with that hope . . . playing around with that sense of possibility . . . enjoying that sense of hope . . . ??

Me: Yes, it is irresponsible of me . . . because I know it’s going to be devastating and it’s going to be painful and I know it’s never going to happen, and I know I’m going to have to spend time dealing with that sense of devastation, so it’s a waste of time and energy to do that to myself . . . to create more pain for myself. It’s stupid of me to be irresponsible like that. It’s better to not allow myself to have hope.

Edward: That is a very painful belief system.

————–

Even though Edward spoke gently, with his voice full of compassion, I felt my anger rising up in response to his last statement.

I am frustrated by his repeated attempts to convince me to change my belief system. Every time this topic comes up, he challenges my belief system and tries to get me to believe something better about myself and about the possibilities that lie ahead for me.

He just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get that I can’t change my belief system. I’ve had way too many life experiences that have taught me to believe that this is my reality . . . I’m never going to be in a romantic relationship . . . there is something about me that keeps it from happening . . . and I am powerless to change whatever that is . . . there is something wrong with me at my core . . . something I cannot change . . . not now, not ever.

I have tried over and over to shift my beliefs based upon logic . . . I’ve tried to shift my beliefs by trying to cause myself to feel differently about myself . . . it doesn’t work . . . that part of me is beyond hope . . . I’m too broken.

I felt cornered by Edward’s inquiries . . . it felt like the only way out of the corner was to try to find some middle ground where we could find agreement . . . that hopefully would cause him to back off . . . so, I reached for that middle ground . . .

————–

Me: With other types of relationships – ones that aren’t romantic – I do feel lovable and I’m not afraid of rejection. I feel very capable of navigating those relationships in a healthy way. So, it’s not like I can’t have any relationships.

Edward: I’m hearing you make a huge distinction between dating relationships and all other relationships.

Me: That’s true . . . there is a big difference between them.

Edward: How so?

Me: When there is a possibility of a romantic relationship, I know that I’ll be rejected . . . I know that relationship will never develop. In all other relationships, I know there is a good chance that, if it is a relationship I want to develop, I probably will have that option.

(After some more thought) I guess it comes down to the fact that platonic relationships are on a continuum. They can be more intense or more casual, they can be more work-oriented or more leisure-oriented, they can wax and wane over time without the underlying bonds breaking. And, you can have many platonic relationships at one time, so if one fades away, there are others that can fill the void.

On the other hand, romantic relationships are more black and white . . . either you are dating someone or you are not . . . either he likes you romantically or he doesn’t . . . and that can flip from one state to another state in a flash for any given reason . . . and, for me, I never know what happens to cause it to flip states, I just know that it always does.

Edward: It sounds like you’ve closed the book on this.

Me: Yeah . . . absolutely!

Edward: Is there any room for a relaxing of that resoluteness a little bit?

Me: (Angrily) I don’t think it’s a matter of me being resolute about it or not resolute about it . . . I’m not trying to stay stuck in that belief system . . . I don’t want to be stuck in it . . . but I am stuck in it and I have no ability to shift it.

Furthermore, it’s not even about my believing I will be rejected by men or whether I believe things will be different someday. It doesn’t matter what I believe . . . what matters is what men do in response to me. Either they are going to be attracted to me or they are not . . . and they are not. There is something about me that causes them to run away from me. I don’t know what it is and I’m powerless to change whatever it is . . . there is something distasteful to them at my core, something that is a core part of who I am.

(I didn’t say it, but I was thinking: For whatever reason, I got shortchanged in this part of who I am, this is where I’ve been shortchanged in life. And, it pisses me off.)

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

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