Archives – Page 16

Archives – Page 16
Journal entries dated December 22, 2011 to February 27, 2012
(Posts published 11/18/12 to 3/9/13)

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2012 Teasers_Page_04

Post #751: December 22, 2011
(Posted to the blog on 11/18/12)
People close to me – Part 1: I perform a mini-concert for the local Rotary Club, but my procrastination causes me some issues

Post #752: December 22, 2011
(Posted to the blog on 11/19/12)
People close to me – Part 2: I have a conversation about trauma therapy with my new
student, the psychiatrist

2012 Teasers_Page_05

Post #753: December 23, 2011
(Posted to the blog on 11/21/12)
The pleasure of your company: The cop’s wife and daughter invite me over to their house for a movie

Post #754: December 25, 2011
(Posted to the blog on 11/23/12)
Serial dilution: As I develop emotionally rich relationships for more and more men, the less infatuated I am with each of them individually

2012 Teasers_Page_06


Post #755: January 3, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 11/25/12)
A new day for reflecting: In an email to Edward, I outline events that can cause me to get triggered due to somatic memories



2012 Teasers_Page_07

Post #756: January 4, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 11/27/12)
The yin and yang of things – Part 1: I tell Edward that I’m wondering if it is normal for me to be ending so many relationships due to conflict

Post #757: January 4, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 11/28/12)
The yin and yang of things – Part 2: In a therapy session, Edward and I look at how I am disgusted by the idea of sex and I crave being held without the expectation of sex

Post #758: January 4, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 11/29/12)
The yin and yang of things – Part 3: Edward and I debate the pros and cons of asking again for some kind of connection with Jared, they guy with whom I had a date

2012 Teasers_Page_08

Post #759: January 4, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 11/30/12)
The yin and yang of things – Part 4: Edward and I acknowledge that I’m opening up to the idea of dating and reconnecting to my feminine spirit

2012 Teasers_Page_09


Post #760: January 6, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/2/12)
No win situation: I feel to overwhelmed by PTSD to consider handling the responsibility of any kind of relationships


2012 Teasers_Page_10

Post #761: January 8, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/4/12)
Mixing work and pleasure: I conduct a very successful ensemble clinic in my studio; my sister and brother-in-law give me a very strange gift

Post #762: January 12, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/6/12)
Mysteries of life: After three years of minimal progress, my autistic student’s musical development takes off; The mystery behind the strange gift is explained

2012 Teasers_Page_11

Post #763: January 20, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/14/12)
Peripheral events: Bits of news about the a death in my small community, progress in the research project in which I’m participating, and the police case

Post #764: January 25, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/20/12)
Passive anger – Part 1: In our therapy session, I tell Edward about the jump start in the progress of my autistic student and about the development of an emotional connection with my student, the psychiatrist

2012 Teasers_Page_12

Post #765: January 25, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/21/12)
Passive anger – Part 2: Edward and I look at what it is like to be in relationship with enlightened men and with emotionally unavailable men

Post #766: January 25, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/22/12)
Passive anger – Part 3: I acknowledge my openness to developing emotional connections with quality men while still feeling hopeless about dating quality men

2012 Teasers_Page_13


Post #767: January 25, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/23/12)
Passive anger – Part 4: Edward and I dig into why I don’t feel I will ever be “good enough” to date


Post #768: January 25, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/24/12)
Passive anger – Part 5: Edward and I look at when the sense that I’m disgusting could have started


Post #769: January 25, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/25/12)
Passive anger – Part 6: I am overwhelmed by the sense of hopelessness concerning my ability to be in an intimate relationship

2012 Teasers_Page_14

Post #770: January 25, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/26/12)
Passive anger – Part 7: I express anger towards Edward for dangling hope in front of me; I express a wish to die

2012 Teasers_Page_15

Post #771: January 26, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/28/12)
Sitting alone with myself: I reflect on how I feel alone despite Edward’s steady and compassionate support

Post #772: February 1, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/29/12)
Sensory weirdness: I have an out-of-body experience during the conscious business group

2012 Teasers_Page_16

Post #773: February 3, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/30/12)
A hero’s journey: I struggle with giving myself permission to feel and express anger; I’m inspired by something I read on the website of an author (Luke)

Post #774: February 4, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 12/31/12)
Wild ideas: I share my feelings of hopelessness with Edward; I’m overwhelmed by my infatuation with Luke, the author

2012 Teasers_Page_17

Post #775: February 7, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 1/1/13)
Letting it all run free: I forge a truce with my infatuation Luke and allow myself to reach out for connection with him

Post #776: February 10, 2012 – 9:00am
(Posted to the blog on 1/20/13)
Navigating changing waters: Bits of news about a request for me to teach viola, the music teachers association blow-up, my friend with cancer, adding weight-training to my fitness plan, the police case concerning the abuse disclosure

Post #777: February 10, 2012 – 3:00pm
(Posted to the blog on 1/21/13)
Calling all cheerleaders: An emotional exchange with a potential personal fitness trainer

2012 Teasers_Page_18

Post #778: February 11, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 1/22/13)
Trusting my picker: I research my potential personal trainer and find a few yellow flags

Post #779: February 13, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 1/23/13)
Round one: Me 0 – Viola 1: My attempts to tune the viola don’t go well

Post #780: February 15, 2012 – morning
(Posted to the blog on 1/28/13)
Icy cold front – Part 1: In our therapy session, Edward and I talk about what results I’m wanting from working with a personal trainer; We talk about my compulsive binge-eating

2012 Teasers_Page_19

Post #781: February 15, 2012 – morning
(Posted to the blog on 1/29/13)
Icy cold front – Part 2: Edward and I discuss why I have trouble feeling and expressing anger

Post #782: February 15, 2012 – morning
(Posted to the blog on 1/30/13)
Icy cold front – Part 3: Edward takes responsibility for not hearing and seeing me during the last session



2012 Teasers_Page_20

Post #783: February 15, 2012 – morning
(Posted to the blog on 1/31/13)
Icy cold front – Part 4: Edward and I look at why “positive thinking” doesn’t effectively and fully address trauma

Post #784: February 15, 2012 – morning
(Posted to the blog on 2/1/13)
Icy cold front – Part 5: Edward asks me about why dating feels so impossible for me; I tell him about my crush on Luke

2012 Teasers_Page_21

Post #785: February 15, 2012 – morning
(Posted to the blog on 2/2/13)
Icy cold front – Part 6: Edward helps me make sense of my infatuation with Luke; We dig for when I first started feeling disgusting

Post #786: February 15, 2012 – morning
(Posted to the blog on 2/3/13)
Icy cold front – Part 7: I become angry when Edward brings up my history of sexual abuse; He invites me to investigate what is really behind my hopelessness

Post #787: February 15, 2012 – midday
(Posted to the blog on 2/24/13)
Round two: Me 0 – Viola 1 – Draw 1: I learn that I had tuned the viola to the wrong octave

2012 Teasers_Page_22

Post #788: February 16, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 2/25/13)
Trying to be not too obvious – Part 1: Feeling hopeless and hopeful at the same time

Post #789: February 16, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 2/26/13)
Trying to be not too obvious – Part 2: I attend Luke’s book-signing and meet two fellow musicians

2012 Teasers_Page_23

Post #790: February 16, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 2/27/13)
Trying to be not too obvious – Part 3: I didn’t get a chance to talk with Luke, but I still feel okay about my experience

2012 Teasers_Page_24

Post #791: February 16, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 2/28/13)
Trying to be not too obvious – Part 4: Despite feeling “not enough” to capture Luke’s attention, I reach out to him again

Post #792: February 17, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 3/1/13)
Traveling in circles: In support of a doctorate candidate’s research project, I give the reasons I blog

Post #793: February 18, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 3/2/13)
The call of nature: My mom and I enjoy Luke’s book and movie; The mountains in the movie call
out to me

2012 Teasers_Page_25


Post #794: February 20, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 3/3/13)
The impossible is possible: I am pleasantly surprised when I get evidence that Luke checked out my websites


Post #795: February 22, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 3/4/13)
Conversation with a pine tree – Part 1: On a whim, I ditch responsibilities and head to the mountains


2012 Teasers_Page_26


Post #796: February 22, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 3/5/13)
Conversation with a pine tree – Part 2: While sitting in a snowy scene, I swing between feeling hopeful about what could happen with Luke and my hopelessness of believing my hoping is in vain

Post #797: February 22, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 3/6/13)
Conversation with a pine tree – Part 3: A pine tree stands as an inspiration for me; My rage towards my dad explodes


Post #798: February 22, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 3/7/13)
Conversation with a pine tree – Part 4: I have an epiphany that the heaviness I feel is because I’m fighting to be perfect when I’m already “enough”

2012 Teasers_Page_27

Post #799: February 22, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 3/8/13)
Conversation with a pine tree – Part 5: The idea of doing and being only what feels authentic to me is powerful; I share my conversation with the pine tree with Edward

Post #800: February 27, 2012
(Posted to the blog on 3/9/13)
Round two: Me 0 – Viola 2 – Draw 1: A quote in a book reminds me that my desires are of the divine; My attempts to tune and play the viola go south again

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<–Page 15SynopsisPage 17 –>

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