[Private journal entry written on Friday, October 12, 2012]
This morning, I finally found the time to write a response to Lori’s email:
Hey, Lori –
Ah . . . I’m curled up in my pj’s, under my bedcovers, catching up on my more thoughtful tasks . . . it seems a good time to respond to your very thoughtful email!
Thank YOU for sharing your story . . . it is clear to me that you have a very solid, firsthand experience of what it is like to be a survivor and also of what it is like to fight your way back to a more whole and healed state. That says so much about you . . . so much good stuff!
I hope you do someday write your story . . . I’ve heard (and have found to be true) that one of the steps in healing is to create a cohesive narrative about our lives . . . what happened, how we reacted (destructive behaviors), how we have worked towards healing, and how our lives have been affected during the entire process. Some people write it down, others carry it in their head . . . I guess whatever works!
A huge part of creating my cohesive narrative is to capture my journey on a blog (Coming Out of the Trees). To-date, I’ve published about 750,000 words in my blog. Telling my story in that way has been healing, as has being part of that on-line healing community. If you are interested, you are welcome to check it out – I write under the pen name of Marie:
I had to laugh when you said you have been told you swim in deep waters too much . . . ah, yes . . . I’ve been told that many times, too. I’ve decided that I’m better off staying in the deep end . . . the company is awesome!
I would love to get a cup of coffee! I think you would be great company (deep waters and all, LOL). Let me know when a good time would be . . . I usually have sizable blocks of time during the school day.
Throughout the day, we sent emails back and forth until we settled on Monday afternoon as a good time to get together for coffee at my studio . . .
How neat! I’m looking forward to it!
Well, it simply wouldn’t be Friday without some Kris and Bella drama . . .
I had a set of lessons from 4:00 to 5:00pm at a client’s home. After those lessons, l headed over to the studio, turned on the lights, got everything set up for Bella’s 5:20 lesson . . .
Eight minutes prior to the lesson time, I got a text message from Kris:
Just now home I’ll pay for today just pooped and not coming
Grrrrr . . .
This morning, I spent some time on the phone with Ramona, one of the clarinetists who will be part of the ensemble at the music teachers recital next month. I’m not sure what the deal is with her . . . maybe she is technologically challenged (she is of retirement age), maybe she marches to her own very unique drummer, maybe her thinking is inflexible, maybe she’s have issues with dementia . . . . I’m not sure.
She couldn’t understand how to access the pdf files and the audio files I had emailed to her. I tried walking her through the process, step-by-step, but she just could not follow my instructions. Finally, I was able to email her a single file – the music for just her part – and she was able to open and print it. Maybe the multiple attachments were confusing her . . . I’m not sure. But, at any rate, she finally got her music printed.
I told her I would send her an audio file – just one file attached to an email – so she could hear how the parts all fit together. She said, “No, I don’t want that.”
Why would a musician not want to at least get an idea of what the piece sounds like? How will she know when she has the melody line and when she has harmony? I don’t understand her resistance . . .
I encouraged her to let me send it to her . . . she refused to allow me to do so.
I found myself wanting to remove her from the ensemble . . . she wasn’t doing “it” like I wanted her to do “it”. She wasn’t following my rules . . . and that meant she was going to “ruin” everything . . .
And then I realized that this whole ensemble adventure is truly an adventure . . . one I have the opportunity to embrace with curiosity and wonder . . . it is the perfect opportunity to allow things to unfold organically . . . because it doesn’t really matter if the performance goes according to my plan or not . . . that’s not what it is about.
Rather, it’s about co-creating a fun experience with a bunch of big-hearted musicians.
So, I just let it all go . . . I didn’t insist that she listen to the audio file . . . I simply let her do “it” her way and I encouraged myself to embrace “what is” and “what will be” . . . whatever that may be.
And that feels better to my soul.