Posted by: Marie | June 30, 2014

(944) Worth another shot – Part 2 of 2

Post #944
[Private journal entry written on the morning of Saturday, September 1, 2012 – continued from previous post]

Anyway, after supper, we cleaned up the kitchen and then we set up our air mattresses so we could watch a movie on her laptop while stretched out on our respective beds – and, by the way, we did find a way to put our mattresses on the floor and still be able to walk around them. Melodie told me she wanted to show me a movie that she really likes . . . a comedic musical . . .

Watching movies is way down on my list of things I enjoy doing, but we are officially on vacation, so I figured what the heck . . . I was able to sit back and relax enough to get into the story line . . . and it seemed important to her that I see it . . . I would have preferred to spend that time talking with her, but I guess we have the rest of the weekend to talk . . .

After the movie, we decided it was time to go to bed and we turned out the lights. I wasn’t able to go to sleep . . .

If I were at home, I would have been able to numb out enough to go to sleep. But, in this situation, I have no ice cream and no TV available to me (the cottage doesn’t have a TV or even internet access). I have nothing I can use to numb myself. So, I took some benadryl (my allergies were acting up) and some melatonin, but that didn’t help. I laid awake for several hours, listening to Melodie breathing . . .

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I was feeling depressed . . . but I wasn’t feeling pleasant emotions, for sure . . .

More than anything, I was feeling disconnected from Melodie . . . through our interaction over the course of the evening, I became intensely aware of how little we have in common anymore. She was so focused on movies . . . she told me all about a number of movies she has seen and she just couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen them . . . I reminded her that I really don’t enjoy watching movies . . . she took that as in invitation to go into even more detail about them . . . and then she wanted me to watch the movie that we did end up watching because it is “the best movie ever made” and a “must see” . . .

I’m struggling to understand how an intelligent, college-educated, professional woman can be so preoccupied with movies . . . I just don’t get it . . . I mean, again, she has always been that way . . . she has always been obsessed with movies, for as long as I’ve known her . . . but I’m understanding that preoccupation less and less as we are getting older.

It is important to me to have meaningful relationships and meaningful interaction with people . . . I want to talk about things like compassion and healing and living well and finding purpose in life. I want to make a difference in the lives of the people around me.

I feel unable to have a relationship like that with Melodie. And that makes me sad.

Obviously, she has not changed. Obviously, this sense of disconnection is stemming from the changes occurring in me.

In years past, I have told her about parts of my healing journey . . . and she has listened and empathized . . . she seemed to understand . . . but then, five minutes after my sharing with her at that level, she’d start talking about a comedy show she saw or what cute thing her dog did . . . and I would feel dismissed.

I have invited her again and again to read my blog. I know she glanced at it once or twice when I first started publishing it, but she hasn’t looked at it since. It’s something she cares nothing about.

So, long into the night, I debated with myself about the value of spending time and money on these bi-annual trips with Melodie . . . I’m not sure that is how I want to spend my resources. Really, all we have in common is our history . . . when she’s not talking about movies or her animals, she is reliving stories from our college days . . .

But, how do you implement a decision like that? It would kill her if I withdrew my friendship . . . so do I maybe maintain the friendship via email and phone but decline to do any more trips . . . ??

I don’t know how I would explain that to her, either, without breaking her heart . . .

Of course, as is common for me when my thoughts are spinning, I had to take it one step further and make it about my brokenness . . .

As the night grew longer and lonelier, I moved from discouragement to hopelessness . . . I convinced myself that my inability to maintain this virtually lifelong friendship with my best friend is evidence of how I will never be successful with relationships . . . I blamed myself for this perceived failure of the most stable relationship I’ve ever had . . . of course it is my fault . . .

I told myself that I will always feel pain around relationships and that I simply need to learn how to live with that pain . . . it is always going to be part of my life . . . I need to learn how to continuing living and moving forward despite the pain, just like I would if I were dealing with chronic physical pain . . .

And somewhere in the middle of that pity party, I finally fell asleep.

So, this morning, I’m feeling a bit more refreshed . . . there is something restorative about being surrounded by wide open spaces and fresh air . . . and by being surprised by the cow looking in the bathroom window at me as I took my morning pee . . . and by the horse peeking into the kitchen door at us when I stepped outside to get something from my car . . .

Anyway, I’m not ready to give up on this relationship. Yes, Melodie can be incredibly annoying. But, that’s not new news to me . . . she’s always been that way. But she also is one of the kindest, warmest and most generous people I know. I know she would give her life for me.

I’ve decided to make a point today of occasionally bringing the conversation around to topics I value. I can’t really blame her for not knowing what is important to me at this stage in my life if I don’t tell her. And, I might be surprised by her response.

So, we’ll see what today brings . . .

(015)


Responses

  1. I hope you are going to let us know what happened.

    • I’m guessing you know by now that I did, LOL!


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