Posted by: Marie | June 12, 2014

(941) It’s a catch-22

Post #941
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, August 29, 2012]

Despite feeling “okay” overall, I’ve still been dealing with heavy depression and triggering at night, every night since I had the big triggering on Saturday. I’ve been managing it by binge-eating every night. I’ve been trying to limit the amount of ice cream I eat by instead eating the éclairs – they have fewer calories per binge and they are a bit easier on my digestive system. (I have trouble with lactose.)

My focus is now more on my belief that I’m never going to get pulled together enough to date. I’m spending so much time on being depressed and on binging . . . I’m nearly back in survival mode. The mental tapes of self-defeating conversation are running non-stop in my head: Quit being lazy, quit being depressed, get your act together . . . if this is how you are going to be for the rest of your life, of course dating is not an option for you!

It’s a catch-22 . . . I’m never going to healthy enough to feel like I can participate in a relationship. And yet, a lot of my pain (and binging) is coming from the fact I’m so lonely and wish I had the relationship. I can never get to feeling good enough to take care of my body better so I can feel sexy and feel good about my body . . . I just feel so gross . . . which means I can’t have a romantic relationship . . . which means I’ll forever continue being lonely.

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Photo by Martin Chen

So, I’ve decided to just resign myself to the fact I’m never going to be in a romantic relationship. And, I’m going to embrace what I can have, which are platonic relationships. In support of that less triggering mindset, I reached out to George today. I mean, what the hell, right? If I’m asking for a platonic relationship, I can’t be rejected because, in my mind, there is no rejection within the realm of platonic relationships . . . it’s all on a continuum and it doesn’t really matter where on the continuum a guy’s response falls as long as it is within the context of a platonic relationship.

I already know George is going to reject me romantically, so why bother going there? I’ll go where I know I can perceive pretty much any response from him as positive. And, who knows . . . I might be surprised by what comes of it.

I don’t know if this is a healthy or healing direction for me to head, but I don’t have any other ideas . . .

Here is what I put in the email:

Hi, George –

How have you been? I heard that you were able to spend some time in California for MK training . . . that sounds like a really great source of wisdom!

Ever since the day you provided coaching for me at the conscious networking group, I’ve had in the back of my mind that I would really enjoy an opportunity to sit down with you over a cup of coffee [or whatever] and get to know you on a more personal level. I’m sure there is way more to your story than the little bit you shared at the networking meeting. I’m interested in hearing more of it.

Are you interested in figuring out a way to get together sometime for that? My schedule is fairly flexible M-F daytime and on the weekends. (FYI, I’m going out of town this Fri-Mon and will have only minimal internet access.)

– Marie Smith
[phone number]
[website]

I then forwarded that email to Edward with the following message:

Hi, Edward –

I’ve been processing what you said in our last session:

– I make a very clear distinction between dating relationships and all other relationships (one I believe I am capable of doing and the other not)

– I tend to approach relationships with men (ones with whom I desire an emotional connection) looking for what I can do to be of value to them so they will want me around

I decided that I could afford to blur the line between the two types of relationships a bit.

And, I decided that I could afford to reach out for an emotional connection with a guy in whom I am interested romantically: 1) without labeling it either a dating relationship or a platonic relationship in my mind (rather, just let it unfold organically . . . hah!), 2) and while leading with my desire for emotional connection rather than with a sales pitch on the value of spending time on me.

So . . . FYI, this morning, I sent the following email to George, the guy who did my coaching session at the conscious business networking group (and who read the majority of my blog).

Anyway, I’ll see you later! I trust you’ll have a relaxing holiday weekend!

– Marie

He responded almost immediately:

Dear Marie,

Very well done. Wonderful processing and what a thoughtful email to George.

Have a wonderful trip.

Warmly,

Edward

I’m heading out on Friday to spend Labor Day weekend with my best friend of 20+ years, Melodie. I’ll be gone until Monday afternoon. I figured I should send a reminder email to Kris to make sure she remembers we don’t have a lesson this weekend . . . I know it is her responsibility to remember, but I don’t want to have to deal with her drama while I’m on the road. So, I sent the email:

Hi, Kris –

I wanted to remind you . . . no piano lessons this week since I’m out of town! I’ll see both of you the next Friday (Sep 7) at 5:20 (Bella) and 5:55 (Kris).

Have a great holiday weekend!

– Marie

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