Posted by: Marie | June 11, 2014

(940) A genuine interest

Post #940
[Private journal entry written on Monday, August 27, 2012]

So, when I woke up on yesterday morning, I was feeling pretty okay again . . . back to my current baseline.

It is amazing to me how quickly and how wildly something like a perceived rejection from a man with whom I really have no relationship can send me into a tailspin. There is no reasonableness in that. It is craziness!

Edward has asked me why I shouldn’t allow myself to have some fun with those possibilities . . . as in, why shouldn’t I allow myself to have those wild and crazy fantasies . . . why shouldn’t I allow myself that fun . . . ??

Well, it’s not fun. Those fantasies are not fun. They are filled with desperation and pain . . . they are how I’m trying to minimize an incredibly deep ache . . . they are how I’m trying escape the pain.

There have been moments when the fantasies was fun and playful. But, for the most part, I entertain them because I’m trying to get away from the desperate pain of being lonely, and of knowing that I’ll always be lonely, there is nothing I can do about it, it’s never going to change, this pain is never going to go away . . . and that is the bottom line.

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Photo by Martin Chen

At any rate, I’m feeling better now. At least the funk didn’t last a week, it lasted less than 24 hours . . . that’s progress, I guess.

And, I’ve been pondering something unrelated to the dating stuff . . . I’ve been pondering the “organic unfolding” stuff again . . .

I’ve been observing my piano students with this concept in mind. I think the kids who have not experience organic unfolding in their relationships with their parents are the ones who sit down at the piano with no more than a quick greeting, they open their books and immediately start to play. Even when I make a point of asking them how they are doing and if there is anything new and exciting in their lives, they say “fine” and “no” . . . and they leave no room for additional conversation.

Then, there’s the kids who come into their lessons and immediately launch into a description of whatever cool thing is happening in their lives . . . they expect, and believe it is normal, for an adult to want to hear about that. I think the parents of those kids are the parents who take a genuine interest in their children . . . parents like Cindy and James, and Edward . . .

I’m realizing that I do allow for organic unfolding within the relationships I have with my students. I always have, including with the adults. Maybe that is why adults like coming to my studio . . . and why they often spend lesson time talking about stuff going on in their lives (stuff not related to piano). I guess they like being “seen” in that way . . . well, of course they enjoy being seen. Maybe that is what is missing for a lot of people, and maybe that is what I give to them.

I’m not sure I like the term “organic unfolding”, though . . . that seems to describe what happens at the beginning of a relationship when two people are just getting to know each other. But, after they know each other very well, it seems that “organic unfolding” doesn’t fit so well. I like the “organic” part, it’s the “unfolding” part that doesn’t fit well for me. I don’t know, I guess it doesn’t really matter what it is called . . .

Anyway, I heard from Sabeena today:

Good afternoon Marie,

Considering the date on the background check, and that I will be running a training session in April 2013, I would suggest that you submit your application in May 2013. That will give us 2 months to get through the process, which is more than enough.

Thanks,
Sabeena Adams

I immediately responded with:

Hi, Sabeena –

I will submit my application May 1st.

Thank you!

Marie Smith

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Responses

  1. I’ve been relating especially to the thread here on your fantasy relationships. It is so painful to read, and I agree, this type of obsessive fantasy is not fun and I don’t think it helps anything. I can relate because I used to completely fall in love with men whom I only knew in a formal way – a teacher, a choir master, etc. These were absorbing at first, but then turned horribly painful and obsessive. I haven’t done that for a few years, thank goodness. I think now it is connected to being abused as a child, and not having had a real nurturing connection to men who should have loved and protected me. Now I’m no longer doing this, I can see what complete fantasies these were. One man was even gay, but that did not deter me.

    I believe when / if you actually do date available men, it will be quite a different dynamic – real life mixed in with attraction and good feelings. Real life cannot live up to fantasy, but it is more nourishing in the end.

    Of course, this is my own perspective, so anything that does not apply to you, don’t let it bother you.

    • I appreciate your thoughts, Ellen . . . it is good to know that it is a pretty common issue. I think you are right, that it has to do with not having a healthy relationship with a father figure in childhood. I can tell you that, nearly two years later, I’m doing somewhat better with it . . . but I’m still not at peace with it.


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