Posted by: Marie | June 10, 2014

(939) Now I can sleep

Post #939
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, August 25, 2012 – 11:00pm]

Okay, I’ve eaten about half of the éclairs and now I’m feeling like: Blahhhhhh. I stopped before throwing up (I’ve never actually binged to the point of throwing up) but I feel like I might throw up if I eat anymore.

At least the anxiety has gone away. And the majority of the pain.

On TV shows about anxiety disorders like OCD, they tell the clients to stay with the anxiety until it passes . . . they assure their clients it will pass . . . like within a matter of minutes . . .

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Photo by Martin Chen

Yeah . . . that must be only with stuff like OCD . . . with stuff like hand washing or fear of touching a doorknob . . . because that doesn’t work for me. My anxiety stays with me for hours. At night (which is when it usually hits me), if I don’t binge eat (or whatever other bad habit I happen to be indulging in that week), I will lie in bed, wide awake, most of the night . . . usually until about sunrise, then I doze a little and then that does seem to help. But, otherwise, the anxiety does not pass on it’s own. In order to get a minimally sufficient amount of sleep, I have to engage in some bad habit.

So, now that I’ve binged, I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight at a reasonable hour. And, in the morning, things will be better . . . I’ll feel better again.

If I knew there would be an ending to this pain, I think I could tolerate it better. Right now, what I know is that it is probably never going to go away. Eating more healthily is not going to change the loneliness.

I want to be able to say to myself: Just hang in there, hang in there, hang in there just a little bit longer and this too will resolve itself. But, it won’t. I know I have to be in this pain for the rest of my life. I just have to learn how to deal with it . . . how to get through it without totally self-destructing.

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Responses

  1. Do things other than binge eating work? Playing music or writing?

    The idea that it will pass in a few minutes is only true in TV-land.

    • Other things like music or writing do help when I’m not in a full-fledged anxious/triggered mode . . . but, when I’m in a full-on trigger, there are only a few things that numb the pain enough to make it tolerable: binge-eating, skin picking and masturbating to violent porn . . . alcohol works for only about 15 minutes, then the emotional pain comes back worse. Healthier options just don’t have the numbing effect, though they do have a soothing effect which works in less extreme situations.


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