Posted by: Marie | June 9, 2014

(938) What’s best for the long term

Post #938
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, August 25, 2012 – 8:00pm]

I was feeling pretty good this morning . . . even this afternoon. But, now I’m really triggered. Dammit!

I feel really, really lonely. I’m aching for a relationship. All of the sudden, this evening, I’m obsessed with George again. I keep checking my email every hour to see if he has contacted me. This is ridiculous. I’ve got to recognize that what I’m experiencing right now is the way life is always going to be for me . . . now and forever. A relationship is never going to happen. I can’t allow myself to dwell on the possibility it might . . . and build it up in my mind . . . and build up the hope . . . it’s too painful. I can’t allow myself to do this.

Dammit!!!!!

Dammit, dammit, dammit!!!!!!

In a desperate attempt to sooth the pain, I sent an email to Edward this evening . . . I’m hoping that, if I can feel a sense of connection with him, even a little bit, it will help sooth the pain . . .

Hi, Edward –

FYI – I found the blog post that discusses the “parts” of me that we looked at yesterday:

June 26, 2009

See you later!

– Marie

Within a couple of hours, he responded:

Thanks for sharing this with me.

Warmly,

Edward

That helped a little bit – for a few minutes . . . but I’m fully into a downward spiral and I’m going down fast.

What’s so aggravating about this is that I don’t know what the best solution is . . . I don’t know if it will be less painful in the long run for me to allow myself to feel these feelings and to allow myself to fantasize about someone loving me . . . to allow myself to dwell on that . . .

(279)

Photo by Martin Chen

Maybe it will be less painful if I force myself to not fantasize and instead grieve – or be angry – or whatever – about the reality I’ll never have a relationship. Is that better than allowing myself to live in this fantasy world?

Or maybe I do neither and instead just distract myself with food or with whatever . . . staying busying, watching TV, sleep, masturbate to violent porn . . . whatever.

Maybe I distract myself as much as I can in between therapy sessions, then deal with it in therapy . . . and do that until the pain reaches a point that it doesn’t feel like it’s going to crush me.

Right now, it feels like the least damaging thing to do tonight is to numb myself until I come out of the spiral. Then, maybe, hopefully, in therapy, I can do enough work that, over time, it will become less painful.

By the way, I don’t think that dating would be that fun either. I think it would be a painful experience, too. So, no matter what direction I turn, what solution I choose, it will be painful.

For the record, I am binge eating tonight. I just went to the store and got a big value-pack container of cream and chocolate éclairs, and I’m going to eat the whole damn container until I’m puking.

(009)


Responses

  1. I’ll be interested to see what happens with this issue (if anything) over the coming months.

    • Hi, Evan –

      It is something that has been a major and ongoing issue . . . progress is slow, but sure . . .


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: