Posted by: Marie | May 31, 2014

(935) Organic unfolding – Part 8 of 8

Post #935
[Private journal entry written on Friday, August 24, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

————–

Edward: What else is the mother feeling?

————–

I closed my eyes again and tuned into the mother’s experience . . . this time, I focused on feelings and thoughts that were not fear-based . . .

The image that came to mind was the mother figure standing guard over the child . . . I could feel her fierce mother-lion protective energy . . . she was willing to protect that child even if she had to sacrifice her life to do it.

My mind flashed back to my childhood . . . my own mother had not protected me from Jerry or from my dad . . . she had never stood over me in this protective stance . . . and my dad never protected me either because he was the source of the violence . . . and my mother was also a source of violence . . .

I realized that I’ve never, as a child, had the experience of being protected – of feeling protected – of feeling safe. I also realized that this mother figure I could see in my mind’s eye did not represent either of my parents . . . she represented me . . . the part of me that is now protecting myself . . . I am my own protector . . . I always have had to be my own protector . . . it is something I know how to do well.

(276)

Photo by Martin Chen

I started trying to put this image and this new insight into words so I could answer Edward’s question. However, as soon as I took a breath in, in preparation for speaking, I was overcome by emotion and wasn’t able to speak. I was simultaneously experiencing the fierce protective energy the mother was feeling and the sense of trust the child was experiencing . . . little child Marie was feeling safe . . . she believed that the mother figure would protect her.

It was the first time I’d ever felt that dynamic within myself, and it was overpowering. The resulting emotions were so intense that I was not able to stay connected with my body. I whispered to Edward, “I have to go away for a minute.”

He whispered some words of comfort and encouragement as I floated away . . .

I didn’t go very far and I was only gone for a minute or two . . . and I was very aware of where my body was physically located . . . I think I was still partially connected with my body.

When I was able to return to my body, I slipped back in fairly easily and I opened my eyes shortly thereafter, and wiped the tears and snot that had been running down my face . . .

I’m grateful that I was able to stay with those emotions . . . I didn’t disconnect from the emotions, I only disconnected from my body . . . and that is a big step.

————–

Me: The mother has taken on a very protective stance . . . she is standing guard over the child . . . she is guarding against the dark one.

The mother is experiencing rage . . . extreme rage . . .

Edward: Rage towards what?

Me: Rage towards the dark one . . . the critical parent . . . who is representative of my dad . . .

My rage is directed towards my dad . . . because he is a huge threat to the health and safety of the child . . . rather, he was a huge threat to me, when I was a child . . . he caused great harm to me. And that enrages me.

Edward: Well, that would be an appropriate and well-placed emotion . . . something an adult would certainly experience . . .

(I nodded my head in agreement)

Edward: Is the mother’s voice accessible to her right now?

Me: I have a sense that I can’t relax right now . . . I must stay in the adrenaline-drenched life-and-death protective stance . . . right now, there is no time or space to find my voice and figure out what to say.

It feels like I might never be able to back down from that protective stance . . . especially if I attempt to date . . . I can’t imagine feeling safe in the context of a romantic relationship . . . I can’t imagine what that would be like . . . I can’t imagine I could ever be able to let down that guard in a relationship.

Edward: And you probably carry that stance into relationships, even when it is not necessary.

Me: But it usually is necessary . . . I keep ending up with abusive guys . . . even if I did let down my guard, I’d have to put it back up again because I would need it . . . my fears are valid . . . the guys really are abusive, so it’s a valid concern and it isn’t wise or safe to let down my guard . . . I’m not safe.

I can’t imagine a dating relationship in which I could ever feel safe and let down that guard. That’s a total impossibility in my mind.

Edward: My hope for you is that someday you will feel that safe – that someday you actually will be that safe – and that you will be able to let down that guard.

(I didn’t respond to his words . . . I mean, what could I say? Instead, I changed directions . . . )

Me: How are we doing on time?

Edward: We have about five minutes left . . .

Me: (Laughing a little) Whew . . . it feels like we’ve been here much longer than that . . .

(Edward smiled . . . )

Edward: Before we wrap up, let me ask you this: At some point, would it be okay for us to create a safe space so your mother energy could find her voice and use it to express herself in a powerful way? I’m aware that it probably would be an intense experience for you, so we would move forward very slowly . . . no faster than you would feel comfortable handling . . .

(His words brought a fresh rush of emotion . . . another couple of tears escaped . . . I dabbed at the tears and took a few deep breaths before answering . . . )

Me: Yeah . . . sure . . . it is intense for me, but it feels doable . . . and I see value in doing it . . . I want to go there . . .

(Another wave of emotion – terror, I think – hit me hard and I closed my eyes, buried my face and sobbed a few times . . . then I managed to pull myself together again . . . )

Me: (Wryly) I’m thinking we probably shouldn’t start down that path today . . .

Edward: (Smiling) Probably not . . . but we can start there next time, if you care to . . . unless something more pressing comes up between now and then . . .

————–

That brought us to the end of the session . . . well, other than we took care of a couple of scheduling issues . . . then we hugged our good-byes . . .

Overall, it wasn’t that emotional of a session . . . at least, coming home, I didn’t feel overly drained . . .

As I was driving home, I began to feel a little glimmer of hope around dating . . . maybe we touched on a few things today that are key to my experience of dating . . . maybe, if we address those things, my beliefs around and my experience of dating could be different . . . I’m not super hopeful about it, but I’m feeling a touch of hope . . . just a touch . . . but more than I felt at the start of the session . . .

Anyway, this evening, I had a lesson scheduled with Bella at 5:15 . . . and Kris and Bella showed up at the correct time and on the correct day . . . whew!

Kris mentioned to me that Thursday afternoons were not a very good time for them because she often gets called into work on Thursday afternoons . . .

Well, this afternoon, I received notice that one of my Friday evening students was moving to a spot earlier in the week. That opens up a Friday evening slot . . . I offered it to Kris . . . she said it would work well because they could leave to go to their cabin for the weekend right after the piano lesson . . . I wrote down the new schedule and handed it to her . . . she promised she would do better with remembering the schedule . . .

So, once again, I’m watching the situation with baited breath . . . time will tell if Kris can get her act together . . .

When I got home this evening, I fired off an email to Edward:

Hi, Edward –

I just wanted to let you know . . . I’ve been thinking about the whole deal about allowing relationships to unfold organically – and my history of showing up to first dates with everything all planned out . . .

All day long, I’ve been getting hit over and over with how huge this new concept is for me . . . I feel like you just shared some huge life “secret” with me. It explains so much!

I don’t know how you figured out that association, but I think you hit pay dirt! Thank you for your amazing insight!

– Marie

He responded an hour later:

Dear Marie,

I’m delighted that this insight has been so powerful for you.

And I look forward to our continued work together.

Warmly,

Edward

(006)


Responses

  1. Wow. That ending to the session was quite intense.

    Hope you have managed to voice that rage.

    • To some extent I have . . . it tends to be something that is requiring a lot of healing . . .

      • Great to hear


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: