Posted by: Marie | May 28, 2014

(932) Organic unfolding – Part 5 of 8

Post #932
[Private journal entry written on Friday, August 24, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

————–

Edward: So, here’s my guess . . . I suspect that you usually show up to first dates with the whole relationship mapped out . . . you probably have all the potential issues identified and three potential solutions outlined for each issue . . .

(I had to laugh out loud . . . he had pegged me perfectly . . . )

Me: Yes, you are correct . . . that is what I do!

(Edward’s eyes lit up as he chuckled . . . )

Me: Yes, you are correct about that ability showing up in my professional environment . . . when I worked in software development, a large part of my job was to go into a client’s work environment and map out the day-to-day flow of information, and then re-engineer the flow in preparation for automation.

I remember many instances where I would put together the re-engineered flow chart and the proposed technical requirements within a week or two of arriving on a project . . . I’d present it to the other members of my contractor team . . . and instead of the other members being delighted that I had gotten the functional planning nearly completed in half or a third of the expected time, they would be very angry at me. They would accuse me of trying take over the project, or they would say the results had to be crap because there was no way anyone could put together a plan so quickly, or they would be frustrated with me when I already had solutions worked out for problems they were just beginning to recognize . . . they would complain that I was being a show-off . . .

(273)

Photo by Martin Chen

That always baffled me because I really wasn’t trying to be a show-off . . . I was just trying to do my job . . . I never intended to cause problems.

Edward: Of course not!

Me: And, you are correct about my showing up to a first date with the whole relationship planned out . . .

If I’m interested in someone, I’ll gather the information I have available to me – like what I can find via a Google search – and determine if there are any deal-breakers . . . and I’ll come up with workarounds for issues such as an age difference, if we live a significant distance from each other, religious differences, schedule conflict, child custody concerns . . . if I need more information about something in particular in order to figure out a workaround, then I’ll keep that question in the back of mind just in case the conversation facilitates asking that question at some point . . .

I’m very aware that it is not considered appropriate for a person to show up to a first date with all of that figured out . . . so, I always cover up the fact that I am that far along in my planning . . . because I don’t want to appear desperate or like I’m a stalker . . .

It’s not because I am a stalker . . . and I’m not trying to control the relationship . . . nothing like that . . . I’m just trying to figure out if the relationship is viable . . . because I don’t want to waste time and energy on a relationship that could never work . . . and I don’t want to allow myself to develop feelings for the guy unless I know there is a decent chance the relationship is going to go somewhere meaningful . . . it’s because that’s how I approach everything, not just dating . . .

Edward: Of course . . . there is protection in having everything totally figured out way ahead of time.

(I wasn’t sure how to respond to Edward’s last statement . . . it felt like he was pointing out a shortcoming of the way I routinely show up in the world . . . of course, I want him to call my attention to behaviors that are not serving me well, but I don’t like the idea that there may be a huge shortcoming to the way of showing up in the world with which I am most comfortable – and with which I proudly identify . . . )

Edward: I see you are frowning . . .

Me: I’m just processing what you are saying . . . trying to make sense of it . . .

(I thought some more before speaking again . . . )

Me: I’m struggling to see how my thinking through the logistics of a potential relationship before a first date would cause a guy to run away . . . I don’t talk to him about it . . . I don’t unload all of that onto him at that first date . . . I mean, I really do keep it to myself . . . so how would that make a guy run away?

Edward: Let me ask you this . . . in your professional world, can you sense when someone is intensely focused on accomplishing an agenda, even before he speaks a word to you? Are you able to feel it in his energy field as soon as you come into his space?

Me: Well, yes . . . of course . . .

Edward: And, in contrast, can you sense when someone doesn’t have an agenda? Can you sense when someone is hanging out with you simply for the pleasure of your company?

Me: Yeah . . .

Edward: Do you think a man with whom you are having a first date would be able to sense that you have an agenda even though you don’t share it with him?

Me: Yeah, I see your point . . .

Edward: How do you think a guy would experience your having such a robust agenda on a first date?

Me: Probably as desperate.

Edward: I don’t know that it would be experienced as desperate . . .

Me: I’ve been told many, many times that I come across as desperate . . .

Edward: I don’t think the word “desperate” is a good fit here. Rather, I can imagine the experience would be overwhelming for a guy . . . and I’m not saying that it is good or bad, I’m just saying that I can imagine it would be overwhelming for most people.

Me: I’ve been told that I’m intense . . .

Edward: I can see how “intense” would easily fit . . .

(We sat in silence for a moment)

Me: I’m still chewing on what you’ve said . . . I can feel in my gut that there is some applicable truth in it . . .

I guess the part that isn’t making sense to me is the being “intense” part . . . I can see where that would fit in some instances . . . but, at times, I have made a concerted effort to be a lot more laid-back . . . at times, I’ve gone into first dates without having thought through all those details . . . and it still didn’t make a difference . . .

For example, with George and Luke, I laid out an invitation to get together for coffee – or whatever – but I never got a chance to have a one-on-one conversation with either one of them. So, I didn’t really have an opportunity to blow my chances with them . . .

Well, I guess that’s not really true with Luke . . . I did send him an email in which I shared my entire life story . . . so that attempt at initiating a relationship isn’t a good example . . .

But, with George, I didn’t do anything like that . . . I invited him to have a conversation about playing the piano . . . that’s all . . . and nothing came of it.

It seems to me I just have too much evidence of my being undesirable . . . I can’t imagine that belief about myself ever shifting . . .

Edward: It sounds like one of the things that attracted you to the possibility of relationships with Luke and George is because you believed those relationships could unfold organically.

Me: (A bit tersely) Neither of those relationships unfolded organically . . . I reached out; they didn’t respond . . . I let it go. It’s not like I had the option of allowing those relationships to unfold organically . . . or not organically . . . there was no unfolding . . . there were never relationships . . . no unfolding of any kind occurred . . . nothing happened.

Edward: Before you knew how those relationships would turn out, when you were still excited about the possibility they held . . . at that point, were you attracted to the idea that they might unfold organically?

(I contemplated his question a bit . . . )

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

(003)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: