Posted by: Marie | May 27, 2014

(931) Organic unfolding – Part 4 of 8

Post #931
[Private journal entry written on Friday, August 24, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

————–

Edward: When did that start . . . when did men start rejecting you?

(I had to think about his question for a moment)

Me: I guess I first remember being aware of it when I was around 13-years-old. I was getting rejected long before that . . . maybe starting when I was about nine . . . but I thought it was because the boys were silly. I kept trying to figure out the reasons . . . I still had hope that I would figure out how to navigate that interaction at some point.

When I was about 13, I started becoming aware that a pattern was emerging . . . other girls were getting boyfriends, but no boy wanted to be associated with me . . . they would gladly go into the bushes or behind the bleachers with me, but they didn’t want to be associated with me publicly. That’s when I figured out I could trade sexual behaviors for some attention, but that there was something wrong with me as a person that causes me to be undesirable in general.

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Photo by Martin Chen

Edward: What do you think caused that?

Me: I don’t know . . . I guess enough time passed and I had enough negative experiences that I was impossible to believe anything different about myself.

Edward: Is it possible that it started when you were three, as a result of the nature of your interaction with your dad?

Me: Ummm . . . I’m not sure . . .

Why that particular age? I mean, I’m trying to figure out what I’ve told you about what happened between my dad and me at that age that would cause you to bring it up in this context . . .

Edward: Oh . . . well, I don’t necessarily mean that particular age . . . I was simply referring to a younger age . . .

(I raised my eyebrows in puzzlement)

Edward: I was thinking about what might have happened at an earlier age – like a decade earlier – that helped set you up for the experiences you had at age 13. I just arbitrarily subtracted 10 years.

Me: (Chuckling) Oh, okay! I was trying to figure out what you were remembering about my history that I wasn’t remembering!

So . . . I see what you are saying . . . and I agree that it very well may have started earlier with my dad.

I guess I hadn’t really thought about the relationship between what I experienced with my dad and what I experienced with boys during my adolescence . . . well, beyond the fact that the rejection experienced from my dad is what drove me to desperately search out the attention and approval of other males . . .

(After more though) I guess I’m a little fuzzy on what you mean . . . do you mean that the rejection by my dad is what is causing men to reject me now? I don’t see the connection . . . I guess I’m not understanding what you mean . . .

(Relaxing into a tad more humorous expression) Can you give me more information, please?

Edward: (Smiling) Yes, of course!

I can share a hunch with you . . . I don’t know for sure that my hunch is correct, but I can share it with you if would you like me to . . .

Me: Yes, please!

Edward: Your dad taught you early on that you must comply with his demands – you had give up who you naturally are in order to become what he wanted you to be – in order to be loved and accepted by him.

I suspect that you carried that style of relating into your relationships with other males . . .

Me: So . . . you’re suggesting that maybe I continued trying to be whatever boys – and men – wanted me to be because it is what I learned from my dad . . . because I believed that is what was required of me . . .

Edward: Yes, that is my hunch.

Me: I would agree with that . . . and I think I still do that now. So, yeah, I’d say your hunch is correct.

(After more thought) But there have been relationships recently in which I’ve shown up far more authentically . . . and I still got rejected . . . so there has to be more to it than that . . .

Edward: Could it be that you are choosing relationships that are safe?

Me: Safe in what way?

Edward: As in relationships with guys who are not really available for, or not capable of having, the quality of relationship you deserve . . .

Me: Oh . . . hmmmmm . . .

I guess I don’t experience it that way. I’ve always pursued any guy who would give me the time of day . . . but especially quality guys . . .

It’s not like I was avoiding quality guys and going after only abusive guys . . . or pining only for guys who didn’t know I existed . . . I would flirt with the quality guys . . . try to get them to notice me. And, sometimes I would go on a date with one of them . . . and the relationship never took off . . . they were never interested in me.

For whatever reason, those quality guys would run. And that is what helped to form this idea that I’m not loveable . . . at least the abusive guys would go out with me for a while . . . but the quality guys wouldn’t even give me a second glance. That taught me that I was undesirable, especially to quality guys.

So, really, I was left with two options . . . be with abusive guys or be alone.

Edward: Do you have a sense of what might have caused the quality guys to run?

Me: No, I’ve never been able to figure that out – and it wasn’t due to a lack of trying to figure it out, let me assure you. The only conclusion I’ve come up with is that I’m organically broken at my core.

Edward: So, I have a guess as to why that might be . . . if you are interested in hearing it . . .

Me: Of course!

Edward: (Smiling a bit) Now, let me be clear . . . this is a guess . . . which is different from the hunch I had earlier . . . with a hunch, I’m fairly certain that I’m correct . . . with a guess, I’m not nearly as certain and I’m pretty much stabbing in the dark . . .

Me: Okay . . . fair enough . . . I’m still interested in hearing it . . .

Edward: Okay . . .

You have this incredible ability – to the extent that you are probably a prodigy – to look at a situation and figure out exactly what is happening, identify the problems, create viable solutions, craft a vision of what is possible and put together an effective plan of action . . . and you do this incredibly quickly. You are able to take in and process a vast volume of information very quickly and to come up with a detailed plan of action equally as fast.

Your problem-solving skills are phenomenal and it shows up in your work environment on a daily basis . . . and it shows up in your personal life. I also see it showing up in your interactions with the CASA office.

(Smiling) By the way, what I just said is not part of my guess . . . I know it to be fact.

Me: Thank you . . . I appreciate your saying that.

Edward: You’re welcome . . .

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

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