Posted by: Marie | January 8, 2014

(921) Who I am – Part 1 of 3

Post #921
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, August 16, 2012]

In the afternoon yesterday, I had some open time . . . I was very aware of the length of my to-do list . . . but I was finding it very difficult to sit down and actually do something on my list . . . my motivation was running low . . . and it has been for a few days . . .

So, I thought it would be helpful to provide a reminder for myself as to why I want to stay focused and get things done . . . I decided I would start working on my CASA application . . .

Well, it turns out that I completed the entire application within a few hours. I put in the name and titles / job descriptions of my references, but I didn’t include their contact info . . . other than that, I filled out everything else.

Filling out the application did what I hoped it would do . . . it got me excited about doing what needs to be done in order for me to be ready to start training as a CASA in a year from now.


Photo by Martin Chen

My original plan was to contact Sabeena three months after the informational meeting and see if she has given any more thought to an alternative training program. The meeting was July 24th, so three months later would be October 24th . . .

So, yesterday, I decided I didn’t want to wait that long because I know there is a training class coming up in October . . . if part of the alternative training would include Sabeena (or whomever) to videotape the training, she may want to record this round of training rather than a later one. So, I decided it would be better to contact her now . . .

Besides, since I had the application filled out, I figured I could send her a draft copy of it now so she would get a better idea of how good of a fit I would be for the program . . . maybe that would help to motivate her . . . I want her to know how serious I am about this.

So, here is the email I sent to Sabeena yesterday afternoon:

Hi, Sabeena –

This is Marie Smith . . . I am the piano teacher from [my town] who attended the CASA informational meeting last month.

I wanted to follow-up with you to see if there is anything I can do to help you move forward on the challenge of creating an alternative training program that would fit with my teaching schedule.

I am attaching a draft version of my application. I’m not officially submitting my application at this time; it is my intention to submit a final version in July of 2013. I’m sharing this draft copy with you today simply to give you an idea of “who I am”.

I look forward to hearing back from you on this matter. Thank you!

– Marie Smith
Piano teacher
[my town], CO
[phone number]

Yesterday evening, as I was driving to one of my piano lessons, I was thinking about writing in my journal and how I might describe the chain of events that has put me in this place of planning to become a CASA . . .

I thought back to the business plan I wrote in the fall of 2007 . . . and to the words that I put in the introduction of that business plan:

The vision I hold for myself is:

I create space for restoration, humor and education.

I deeply connect with extraordinary people and communities.

I wisely spend my time, energy and money, using them to support what is truly important to me.

When I was a kid, I overheard my mother, on many occasions, tell people “Marie marches to a different drummer”. With that idiom, she gave me language for what I was experiencing. I knew that I felt a very strong pull, on a spiritual level, towards an unknown destination, an undefined mission. I felt compelled to walk towards whatever was pulling me.

Adults often remarked to me that my behavior was unusual for a child – and I could see it as well. It wasn’t difficult for me to recognize that my behavior was different from my friends’ behavior. I understood why they behaved as they did – they were behaving normally. I also understood that I behaved the way I did because of this strong pull I felt – the pull of my “mission” was stronger than my desire to be “normal”. I was aware that my friends did not feel the same pull that I felt.

I liked how my mother described it – that I heard, and followed, a different drummer – a different drumbeat. That made sense to me.

As an adult, I still hear that drumbeat. It acts as a beacon for me. As I make day-to-day decisions, I can feel which of my options are in alignment with that magnetic pull, and which are not. It is the “north pole” for my internal compass.

However, I don’t know where I am going. I don’t know what is pulling me. My mission is still undefined.

I feel like I am walking through a thick forest and I don’t know where I’m heading, I only know to follow the compass. I believe someday I will come out of the trees and into a clearing. I believe that, when I enter the clearing, I will finally know my primary life’s calling. Until then, I have to walk in faith.

I feel that my life’s work has something to do with public speaking and writing. I am clear that I am supposed to continue developing those skills. That is all I know for now.

I believe my life’s calling has not been revealed to me because I am not ready to know it. I feel I have other, more fundamental lessons to learn first. That is keeping me sufficiently busy for now. I don’t need to concern myself about what is coming farther down the path until I get there.

As I was driving, it hit me . . . I think my life’s work has something to do with CASA . . . or maybe it is CASA . . . or maybe CASA is the first step of my life’s work . . .

Writing and interviewing and speaking in public are all part of being a CASA . . . and going through my own healing journey, going to therapy . . . and all the life experiences I’ve had, both good and bad . . . all of that has helped to prepare me for this . . . and I don’t think I would be nearly as prepared had I not had the experiences I’ve had . . .

Of course, I got all emotional and almost had to pull over to keep from driving off the road . . . but, I was able to keep going without incident, I just blew my nose and wiped my eyes as I drove . . .

Obviously, I didn’t put that thought into the draft version of my application that I sent to Sareena since I thought of it after I emailed her . . . I guess I could add it to the final version . . . or maybe it would be more appropriate to bring it up in the interview . . .

Or, maybe it is something that is private . . . a private inspirational idea that is best kept to myself . . . maybe it is better if I don’t share it with the CASA folks . . . maybe it is only for my own inspiration . . .

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 831

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