(919) Obvious progress

Post #919
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, August 9, 2012]

Well, my mystery reader came back a few days ago and read through Post #629 . . .

I’ve been watching for Post #630 to show up in my stats page, indicating that someone had read it . . . because that would be the next post he would read . . .

Well, someone read Post #630 today . . . and for a second, my heart started beating all fast and excitedly . . . he’s back, he’s back!

But, Post #631 had not been read . . . nor anything right after that . . . I wondered maybe if he had just started reading a minute or two before and hadn’t had time to get further than that one post . . . and I wondered if I checked back in a couple of hours, if I would be able to see that he had continued reading . . .

But, no . . . that didn’t happen. It’s nearly midnight and no one read Post #631 today.

He’s not back.

Part of me is very disappointed because I was really looking forward to what might happen once he finished reading all the posts.

Photo by Martin Chen

Part of me is like: Well, what did you expect? It’s what happens, it is the way it is, you shouldn’t have let yourself get excited about it because you know better than that, things unfolded the way things always unfold. That’s just the way it always goes.

My internal dialogue continues with: Remember the conversation you had about not getting excited about George reading your blog? Yeah, there’s good reason for that. So, just turn your focus away from that, let it be a little throbbing pain sitting quietly in the corner, and get on with the rest of your life because you have some cool stuff going on in your life . . . you don’t need to spend your time and energy on fairy tales . . .

I’ve been binging tonight . . . I guess it’s to cope with the disappointment of the George thing, which is obvious done and over . . . and, I’m left feeling very lonely in the aftermath.

And, I’m binging to deal with the stress of getting ready for school . . . and the pressure of wanting to do well with the self-care habits I’m trying to establish . . .

Really, overall, I’m doing well . . . I’m upbeat and I’m getting things done . . . it’s just that I’m feeling stress on top of it.

And, it’s finally sinking in that the dating thing will always be a source of pain for me. I’m always going to be in pain to some degree around this matter and it’s not going to change. This is how it is going to be for me.

It’s like with someone who is in chronic pain . . . he decides to live life anyway, despite the pain. And that’s where I’m at with this . . .

So, yeah, I’m in pain tonight . . . so, oh well. I’m not going to dwell on it; I’m just going to live life despite being in pain.

When I’m in severe depression, I can’t force myself to function despite the pain . . . I can’t function at all. So, at least the severe depression is gone – which is the part that makes it impossible to get out of bed.

Right now, I’m in pain, but I’m going to live life anyway . . . which is a whole new way of living that is so much better than living [surviving] with depression.

This is actually not so bad. I can tolerate it and it’s do-able. I’m not very excited about living this way, but I can do it and be okay and be productive and leave a legacy of some sort.

Binging isn’t the only way I cope with the pain . . . I can ignore it when I’m intensely focused on something . . . right now, the thing I’m focusing on is getting organized for the school year . . . that is a huge task but it is one I enjoy . . . and it causes me to get excited about the upcoming year . . .

If I were to quantify the amount of emotional pain I’m dealing with . . . I would say that I’m in emotional pain about a third or half of my waking hours . . . that’s how much of my day I spend trying to function despite wanting to curl up in a ball and stop existing . . . and then, during the remaining time, I’m doing stuff that I enjoy and which causes me to forget the pain.

The good news is that I’m not severely depressed and hopeless anymore . . . or, if I am, it is only for an hour or two and then it passes.

————–

I had a lesson with Renee this evening . . .

Her step-mom was there, but not the little girls . . . so, it was a quieter, calmer lesson . . .

I went into the lesson with Edward’s advice to create a sense of “we’re in this together” playing over and over in my mind . . .

I didn’t want to just come right out and announce that it was my intention to create that atmosphere; rather, I wanted to demonstrate it to her with my actions and let her awareness of it develop on it’s own.

At a point early in the lesson, I asked her if she could play the piece she was assigned to practice this week. She immediately asked if I would play along with her. With an upbeat attitude, I replied that I would be happy to play with her . . . this time and anytime . . .

After a few minutes, she had the notes down well and we moved to the rhythm component of the piece. Again, I asked her to count the beats out loud as she played . . . she asked if I would count the beats for her while she played. Again, with the same upbeat attitude, I made it clear to her that I would be willing to participate in whatever way she would like for me to participate.

To my surprise, she very quickly relaxed and became more confidant in her playing . . . she was being very upbeat and cooperative . . . no sulking or helpless behaviors at all . . . in fact, she was smiling and laughing . . . and engaging in conversation about the music . . .

Awesome!!! I was so excited!

Because she was so engaged, we finished the song that she had been practicing and then we played it in a duet format (I played the teacher duet part) . . . and it sounded awesome!! She seemed very pleased with our success . . .

We flipped to a new song in the book . . . with me playing along with her, she learned the notes and she got the rhythm down . . . and we were able to play the duet together on that one, as well . . . although, because she hadn’t seen the music before today and was not as familiar with it, the duet was a bit rougher than the first song’s duet, but it was still awesome. I was so impressed that she was able to learn the piece, start to finish, within about 20 minutes. She is learning so very quickly!

Right after we played the second duet, I turned around and commented to her step-mom, April, that the duet was so beautiful and that Renee is doing so well with the music despite not seeing it before today . . .

April agreed, and then went on to say that the younger siblings have each tried many things (sports, music, drama, etc.) and then they found their niche . . . and that she (April) thinks that is what is happening with Renee . . . that she has tried several different things, including guitar, and has now found her niche with the piano . . .

April and I continued talking back and forth for a few minutes about how well Renee is doing with piano . . . how quickly she can learn pieces . . . how strong her ear is for music . . .

And Renee just sat there and listened with a grin on her face . . . she seemed pleased that we were saying those things about her . . .

I’m thinking that April is someone I can count on to be a positive support for Renee . . . she seems to be the type of parent who can be supportive while still holding strong boundaries . . . I’m glad Renee has April in her life . . .

So, after today’s lesson, I am encouraged and very excited . . . I think things are moving in the better direction!!