Posted by: Marie | January 3, 2014

(916) The value of clarity – Part 7 of 7

Post #916
[Private journal entry written on Friday, August 3, 2012 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]

————–

Edward: Your advocacy will hugely benefit the kids in your care. You are going into this already knowing how to work with kids who have emotional issues . . . you are already as ready as you are ever going to be to deal with situations like that.

Me: Well . . . of course, they provide training . . . that will teach me a lot . . .

Edward: Training can only prepare you for so much. There’s going to be a lot where you’ll have to just wing it. There’s no way for you to know how to handle some things until you get in there and just deal with it. But you’ll be able to figure it out.

(258)

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: I agree that I have an intuitive knowing . . .

Edward: Yes, you do.

Me: (Looking at the clock again) I think we have about five more minutes . . . ??

Edward: Yes, something like that.

Me: Well, that’s all I have . . . do you have anything else you would like to touch on?

Edward: I don’t have anything in particular.

Me: Okay . . . so, let me ask you this: In your mind, what is it that we need to focus on in upcoming sessions? Is there anything in particular?

Edward: I can always come up with something if necessary, but it seems to me that you are doing a lot of processing between sessions . . . and whatever is coming up for you, you are processing it and moving it to a middle ground . . . as opposed to getting stuck with it in a harmful or destructive place . . . or a self-sabotaging place . . .

When you show up here, the issues may not be totally resolved, but you have taken the processing as far as you are able into new and unfamiliar territory . . . as far as you can without overwhelming yourself. As things come up, you seem to always take yourself to the leading edge of what you can handle. It is important to you to always stay on that edge.

That’s what I’m seeing . . . that whatever comes up for you, you push yourself as far and as hard as you can without being overwhelmed. You look for the position of optimum stress . . . the best place for you to be in that moment . . . and you’re finding that place of optimum stress on your own . . . you’re not depending on me to lead you there.

Me: Hmmm . . . I hadn’t thought about it that way, but I think you are right . . .

Edward: It seems to me that our sessions are now more about reporting on your progress, gaining clarity and finding well-fitted language . . . and getting validation from me . . . but, it seems that the clarity is what you value most in this process.

Me: Yeah, when I’m thinking through stuff, I often think about how I’m going to explain it to you.

Edward: That’s a way of putting words to abstract thoughts and feelings, which gives you clarity.

Me: I agree . . . basically I’m showing up here and explaining it to you after I’ve been working through it. Sometimes I come up with an explanation, and after imagining myself explaining it to you, I can feel that it’s bullshit . . . then I have to go back to the drawing board.

Or, sometimes I get triggered when I imagine myself explaining it to you. I might allow myself to have some ice cream to get through the triggering, then I tackle the processing anew the next day . . .

Edward: I see that as evidence of your commitment to sustainable change . . .

Me: Oh, absolutely . . . I’m in this for the long haul.

Edward: And, it seems to me that our relationship serves as a “ground zero” from which you can reach out and create other key relationships and other parts of your life . . . you can return back here for restoration and support when you need it.

Me: Yes, very much so!

Edward: Well, you are very dedicated to this process and I appreciate that. You are making great progress in your healing. Congratulations, Marie!

Me: (Grinning) Thank you . . . it’s nice to hear that acknowledgement!

————–

And that was the end of our session . . . I headed back to my little town, but stopped en route at the dollar store for poster board and packing tape . . .

As soon as I got home, I started putting the poster board into the ceiling tile rails in the areas right above the windows and a couple of the bookcases. Then, I cleared off the window sills and the tops of the two bookcases and let the cat have a go at the poster board . . .

He smelled it . . . then he scratched once or twice at it . . . he meowed loudly . . . then he went into a spastic scratching frenzy . . . he decided he was going to scratch through the poster board, or at least push it up out of the way and nothing was going to stand in his way . . .

I just sat back and watched . . .

He kept at it for a good five minutes . . . then he gave up and jumped off the bookcase. I crawled up there and inspected my work . . . it was unfazed by his efforts.

I think I have found my magic solution!

Later in the day, as I was preparing to cut pieces of poster board for the areas above the remaining bookcases, I noticed that I had a voicemail . . .

About 10 days ago, I interviewed a new client . . . a mom and daughter both wanting to take lessons. The daughter is in kindergarten . . . I usually don’t start students that young, but she seems pretty sharp . . .

The mom has taken lessons before, so she’s not a beginner . . .

Both the daughter and the mom – but especially the mom (Kris) – are hyper-energy people . . .

On a side note, my natural pacing (the frequency at which I “swallow” information or the frequency at which I am able to switch from in-flow to out-flow in a conversation – slow, big bites or small, rapid bites) is in the mid-range . . . I can temporarily increase my pacing in order to match a student’s pacing. But, there are limits on my ability to do that . . . if I do it for too long or if I try to increase mine by too much, I come away from the experience totally exhausted.

Well, I was exhausted after the interview . . . it took everything I had to stay in pace with Kris’ rapid-fire conversation style. And, she was extremely disorganized . . . she didn’t write down anything we discussed, including the date and time of our first lessons. She said she just carried everything in her head . . .

Oh, and did I mention she had her two younger children with her who were climbing all over her and all over my furniture . . . crying, interrupting, getting into stuff . . .

When she left the interview, I could feel my energy field vibrating in shock . . . it took a good hour for me to normalize again. I wondered if I would be able to tolerate giving them lessons . . . she had promised that she wouldn’t have the two toddlers with her when they came for lessons . . .

Their first lessons were scheduled for tomorrow morning . . . however, Kris called me first thing this morning and said that she had forgotten she and her daughter were scheduled for a marathon tomorrow morning . . . could we reschedule their lessons for the afternoon . . . ?? I agreed to a 4:30pm start time . . . and my concern about her disorganization started growing . . .

So . . . back to the voicemail I received today . . . it had come in at 4:35pm today . . . it was Kris . . . she was at my studio, waiting for me . . .

Of course, I didn’t notice the voicemail until a couple of hours later, so I’m assuming that, at some point, she got tired of waiting and went home.

I called her back yet this evening . . . and I told her that I thought that when she said “in the afternoon”, she meant tomorrow afternoon, not today . . . and, to be honest, I’m not sure we ever specified which day . . . I just assumed she meant the afternoon of the same day . . . so, the mix-up is at least partly my fault . . . so, I apologized . . . she apologized . . . and we rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon at the same time . . .

We’ll see how that goes . . .

Quotes 826


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: