Posted by: Marie | December 26, 2013

(908) All before sunrise – Part 3 of 3

Post #908
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, August 1, 2012 – continued from previous post]

So, anyway . . . while I’m sitting here wishing I could go back to sleep, I might as well try working my way through what I plan to tell Edward in our session on Friday about this dating thing . . . I feel a need to give my thoughts some organization and to put some language to my frustration . . .

It seems to me that the part of me that would, if it were functioning normally, send out a signal to men that I’m available and desirable and that I would be a really cool person to date . . . the part of me that would recognize and acknowledge and respond to a quality guy showing romantic interest in me . . . that part of me is broken or dead or paralyzed or whatever . . . it is gone . . . it was destroyed in childhood and it’s not going to get rebuilt in this lifetime.

Here’s the cruel dichotomy . . . I have a never-ceasing ache to be in a romantic partnership, but the part of me that would allow that to occur no longer functions. I have no way to shut down the ache because it is a biological need that is necessarily a part of being human. So, all I can do is attempt to not allow the ache to rule my life.

The healing community says that the healthy thing would be for me to be in a healthy romantic partnership, or to at least be available for it . . . as in, be all healed and ready and available for one . . . that would be the healthy thing. And that community continues to encourage me to go there. I feel like I ought to work towards that goal . . . because it is the healthy thing to do.


Photo by Martin Chen

But, that is a cruel encouragement . . . because that’s never going to be an option for me . . . that part of me is permanently gone.

Edward has said it is because I’m choosing to not participate in romantic relationships. I say that is inaccurate . . . there’s no choosing because the option of being in a romantic relationship doesn’t exist for me.

I understand that I have to take responsibility for the choices I make . . . but, I would like for him to point out some romantic relationship that has shown up – one that I have had the option of being in – that I declined . . I mean a healthy one . . . I’ve been declining unhealthy ones . . . but there have been no healthy relationship options showing up in my life. I’ve even gone out of my way to attempt to create possible opportunities . . . to the point of almost stalking . . .

So, I don’t agree with his assessment.

Maybe he’s talking about the fact that I energetically push romantic relationships away because I don’t think I could tolerate being in one. When I think about what it would be like to spend time with someone who is constantly evaluating whether or not I’m the quality of person he would like to date . . . if I’m good enough . . . if my body is sexy enough for him to be attracted to me. . .

Right now, there is no way I could tolerate being evaluated and judged like that. I can’t even tolerate the idea of being in that space.

So, if that’s what he means, then maybe I would agree with him in that way.

The bottom line is that it is devastating to experience a little bit of hope, then to have that hope dashed . . . to have a crush on someone, reach out for connection and then have it thrown back in my face . . . to have that happen over and over and over and over and over again . . . to get excited about that possibility, start feeling connected with someone, and then feel myself shut down because I can’t tolerate the idea of them evaluating me and judging me.

I end up binging and curled up under a blanket, unable to function for two or three days. So, that’s not healthy to operate like that. It is not healthy for me to do that.

I have to go against conventional wisdom . . . I guess I have to do everything possible to shut down – or slow down – that part of me. I’m always going to have that drive to be in a relationship. I can’t do anything about that drive. But I don’t have to encourage it, I don’t have to dwell on possible connections . . . I don’t have to tell myself that I should continue trying to find a partner . . .

It is more harmful to stay in that hopeful/hopeless cycle than it is to do everything possible to shut it down. I need to grieve it and move on.

I keep going back to the example of a paralyzed person . . . it would be cruel to tell her that the healthy thing for her to do is to continue trying to walk despite the fact her spinal cord is severed . . . it would be cruel to encourage her by saying, “Oh, look, your toe jerked . . .so, see, you should have hope, you should keep hoping and trying” when the reality is that she will never walk again . . . it’s cruel to encourage something that is hopeless.

At some point, that person has to recognize that it’s not going to happen for her . . . she has to stop encouraging herself to do it despite what well-meaning people think.

And that’s where I’m at with this.

It pisses me off because it’s something I really want. It’s a biological need. Yet that part of my spinal cord is severed, it’s not coming back.

It’s not like Edward is pushing me to have hope . . . he is allowing me to be wherever I am with it . . . I’m the only one who is pushing me to maintain a position of hope. However, Edward is holding the space for that possibility. I don’t think he would ever push me to hold that space for myself, but he definitely wants me to do so, if I’m able.

Maybe what I’m looking for is an acknowledgement from Edward that the healthiest thing for me to do is to choose to let go of that dream . . . and I don’t know that I can get that from him.

He has indicated that my position of hopelessness is a defense mechanism . . . and I agree, but I believe it’s a defense against the pain of beating my head against the wall . . . because having hope is not helpful and it’s not healing, it actually destroys me . . . . there’s no healing in having hope then having it dashed . . . and then binging and picking in order to tolerate the pain . . . there’s no healing in that . . . why would I continue doing it?

The best I can hope for myself is to continue developing healthy habits and to take better care of myself for the purpose of being available for service to other people . . . as opposed to taking on healthy habits for the purpose of being “good enough” to be worthy of a relationship . . . a love connection . . . a romantic partnership . . . I don’t even know what to call it . . . it all sounds so weird to me.

There is something that Mark used to say to me all the time . . . he would say that I would have a far better chance of finding a relationship if I put myself in target-rich environments . . . like if I hung out in Home Depot or if I put an ad on . . .

I guess I would have to agree . . . and it pisses me off that Mark is right . . . but, I can’t even tolerate the idea of hanging out in target-rich environments for the purpose of being visible . . . it goes back to the terrifying idea of being evaluated and judged . . . yeah, I’m not willing to subject myself to that, not purposefully.

By the way, I do acknowledge that I already have healthy relationships with “safe” men in my life . . . and I have emotional intimacy with them . . . I understand the fact I’ve been able to manifest even that much intimacy in my life is growth and progress . . . and I appreciate that . . . I understand that.

I just don’t think I can take it any further in the direction of romantic/sexual relationships.

Okay . . . enough ranting for now . . . it’s time for me to get out from under the covers and get dressed . . . I have to be in City #1 for my conscious business networking group meeting by 8:00am . . .

Quotes 818


  1. Reading this I was thinking about our culture’s split about manic individualism and desperation for relationships.

    Hermits aren’t valued in our culture. Although being continually in love is (and when it changes move on to the next person to be in love with).

    It’s a very tricky area. Would love to hear about the conversation between you and Edward about this – if you had one.

    • Hey, Evan –
      This has continued to be one of the biggest challenges for me . . . Edward and I have spent much time on it!!

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