Posted by: Marie | December 23, 2013

(905) What always happens

Post #905
[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, July 31, 2012]

Okay . . . I am feeling a bit more hopeful today . . . sort of . . . still on the wild pendulum ride, though . . .

I was a bit wound up last night and didn’t get settled down for bed until nearly midnight. Before turning off the light, I made a quick check on the progress of my mystery reader . . . he was just a few posts shy of making it to post #600 . . .

I got a brainstorm . . . I decided to insert a little note for him in post #600:

July 30, 2012: To the person who is in the process of reading my entire blog, all 700,000 words of it . . . thank you for reading my story. I’ve been following your progress with great interest. You only have 80 more posts to go!

I invite you drop me a line, if and when you care to . . . it would be neat to hear from you!

I know, I know . . . why would I torture myself like that . . . ??

But, I really want to connect with this mystery reader on the off-chance it might be George . . . or someone like George . . .

And, I would like for him to know that I’ve noticed his significant investment in my story . . . and, I really want to extend that invitation . . . just in case he doesn’t feel like it would be okay to contact me . . . I want him to know that it would be okay . . . more than okay . . .

I’ve gone back and forth about leaving the note in there . . . I keep wondering if it is too weird of a thing to do . . . maybe I should take it out . . .

(247)

Photo by Martin Chen

Maybe George (or whoever) doesn’t want to be noticed. Maybe he doesn’t want to be bothered with reaching out to me after he finishes reading. Maybe my note will cause him to feel obligated . . . and I don’t want anyone contacting me out of obligation . . .

So, I’ve gone back and forth on it. I might take it back out.

Here’s the interesting thing . . . I was expecting my mystery reader to read my note today . . . once he reads it, I won’t have the choice to remove the note because it will be too late . . .

But, it’s bedtime on Tuesday and he didn’t read any posts today. It’s the first day he’s missed reading some of my blog since the 17th. He’s read quite a few posts everyday . . . except today.

I’m sure it’s because he’s busy . . . it doesn’t make sense that he would invest the time to get within 100 posts of the last one and then not finish . . .

But, part of me is thinking that, of course, he’s not going to come back and finish reading it . . . of course he’s lost interest . . . of course he’s not going to contact me . . . because that is consistent with what always happens . . .

And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. All I can do is wait and see what happens next.

Quotes 815


Responses

  1. I’ll be interested to hear what happened next.

    • Thanks for your interest, Evan!!

  2. Hi Marie,

    I’ve been kind of puzzling over this for a few days, trying to go back and see what I remember being up and posted when I first started reading your blog. I’m still not 100% sure, but your new reader might have been me. I don’t know how many other times you have acquired an assiduous reader who “lurks” – I might have started 6 months later than that, I just can’t remember. I do think my reading followed roughly the pattern you describe, reading fully post by post and then stopping for a while.

    If it was me, I’m very sorry for causing you a mysterious hope – with the timing of George. (and I sympathize with the pain of the mysterious hope, too!)

    One of the reasons I took a break from reading and also haven’t surfaced to comment is that i have a lot of ambivalence about privacy and being seen. The amount of exposure you have on your blog is both inspiring and nerve-wracking for me. George’s actual name as a search term feels like an invitation to privacy violation to me, though I realize you actually wanted him to find the blog and read. Also, though, your openness has allowed me to be helped in many ways by parts of your story, which I believe is part of your intent.

    In my story, I work very hard not to be “discovered” online by those with whom I’m relating in real life, especially if communication is difficult. For me, becoming able to do clear direct communication is really important, and I have a history of family and intimates “reading between the lines” and communicating through indirect methods, with disastrous results sometimes. Lots of expecting to be understood, lots of rigid right/wrong assumptions, lots of boundary confusion, not enough respect for negotiating and individual preferences.

    Again, I’m sorry to have been mysterious, and I’m still working on how to be seen!

    Catfish

    • Hi, Catfish –

      I really appreciate your thoughtful comment!

      I never did learn the identity of my mystery reader . . . it could have been just about anybody as my stats page doesn’t give me much information.

      Either way, someone reading my blog is never a problem for me . . . the whole issue was about my obsessively wanting to connect with someone — a guy — in order to fill a hole in my soul. It has been (and still is to some degree) very easy for me to find some tiny piece of evidence that someone might be interested in me and then build this whole fantasy in my mind around it. It can be anything from someone reading my blog to someone smiling at me in the parking lot to someone asking me to teach them how to play piano . . . so, it never was about the mystery reader reading my blog . . .

      Which means there is nothing for you to apologize for or feel bad about . . . if it was you reading my blog, my drama was never about you . . . does that make sense?

      I never want a reader of my blog to feel obligated to make themselves known or to comment . . . I want my readers to feel they can show up here stealthily.

      You make an excellent point about my using George’s real name . . .

      I debated very carefully about doing so, both for George and for Luke . . . the conclusion I came to is that they both have identified themselves as public figures . . . they make a point of marketing their names and their products as widely as possible. So, I felt it would be okay to use their real names.

      Furthermore, neither one of them did anything that would put them in a negative light . . . neither of them “did me wrong” . . . in fact, both of them showed me only kindness. So, there is nothing I wrote about them that would hurt their reputation. Worse case, I’m the one who looks bad . . . what I write about the situation makes me look like a psycho groupie . . .

      So, when I do write about people to whom the above conditions do not apply, I am far more careful about their identity. I always use pseudonyms and I often change key characteristics like gender or age in order to further protect their identity.

      The last thing I want to do is to create pain for someone by violating their privacy . . .

      So . . . I hope this response is helpful . . . please let me know if you have other concerns . . .

      – Marie


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