Posted by: Marie | December 21, 2013

(903) The unspoken – Part 2 of 2

Post #903
[Private journal entry written on Friday, July 27, 2012 – continued from previous post]

I sent an email to Edward yesterday:

Hi, Edward –

I trust you are doing well!

Just a quick note about the CASA informational meeting I attended this week . . .

I didn’t realize how perfectly the job description of a CASA volunteer fits my skills and talents! Oh, my . . . research, organization of data, persuasive speaking and writing, encouragement, trustworthiness and dependability, empathetic ear, compassion, patience . . . I was custom-made for the job! And, it would allow me to do something really awesome with the bad stuff I was handed in the past.

I had a conversation with the two main coordinators of the program and told them that I’m very interested . . . but, that I needed about a year or so to get some things in place in my business and in my personal life (I didn’t go into any details) before I would be ready to volunteer . . . and that would give them a year to come up with a training program that would work with my schedule . . .

Their current program is Mon/Tue/Thur evenings for three weeks, which would wipe out 75% of my income for those three weeks. But, the actual volunteer schedule works very well with my teaching schedule. The only problem is the training.

I put the idea of creating an alternate training program for me “out there” as a challenge for them (should they choose to accept the challenge) . . . I issued the challenge with a touch of humor, but with a serious undertone. They said they would put some thought into it – they felt I would be a great asset to the program and therefore, it would be worthwhile to consider that possibility.

So, I am very excited about this. The things I need to do to get ready for volunteering are the very same things I would need to do to get ready for dating . . . but, while the idea of dating is triggering for me and causes me to take steps backwards, the idea of doing this volunteer work is not triggering at all . . . it is very motivating. So, maybe this carrot dangling in front of me is a very good thing.

This is something I’m finding I don’t really want to share with anyone but you . . . it feels like something I want to keep private for now. I need to share it with you because I need your help in getting ready. But, I don’t want to tell anyone else for now. It is something I want to hold privately for now. It feels very special to me.

I’ll see you next week!

– Marie

He responded today:

Dear Marie,

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your experience with CASA. I’m delighted you’ve found such a natural fit.

I look forward to our time together next week, and to supporting you in preparing for the opportunities CASA is offering.

Warmly,

Edward

————–

James was able to stay away from crime scenes long enough to come to his lesson today. Before we settled into the lesson, we chatted a bit . . . he told me a bit about yesterday’s shooting . . .

As we were talking, I found myself wanting to tell him about the CASA stuff . . . I know I stated in my email to Edward that I wanted to keep it private for now, but I found that I really wanted to tell James about it . . .

So, I did.

He was not familiar with the roll of a CASA, which surprised me . . . I figured, given his job, he would at least be aware of what they do. But, I guess a CASA gets involved long after the police have done their part . . .

Anyway, after I described the job, he said that he thought it would be a perfect fit for me. I mentioned to him that I would be needing a few references for the application process . . . and he said he would be honored to be a reference for me . . .

How neat!

At one point during James’ lesson, as we were sitting side-by-side at the piano, he reached over to touch me on the arm . . .

Just before his hand got to my arm, he jerked it back a little bit, then he paused and said under his breath, “Oh, yeah, it’s okay now . . . ”

Then, he gave me a sideways grin as he lightly put his hand on my arm . . . I grinned back . . . it was an awkward but very special moment . . .

It seems like a weight has been lifted off of him . . . he finally is allowed to express himself in a more authentic manner with me.

That’s nice to see.

————–

I’ve been keeping an eye on the progress of whomever has been reading my blog for the past week-plus . . .

I traced the activity back to July 17th and noticed that, on that day, someone had viewed all three “music lesson” posts that I had linked to in an email I sent to George . . . and, on that same day, someone had viewed my “About” page and the page that contains the condensed version of my story, along with the first three pages of my Archive pages and the first 11 posts. Then, the next day, someone started with Post #12 and read another 50+ posts . . .

(245)

Photo by Martin Chen

Of course, I have no way of knowing if the same person is responsible for all that activity . . . but, I’ve never seen a day where all three “music lesson” posts have been viewed in the same day . . . I’m not saying it’s never happened, I’ve just never noticed it, if it did happen.

I had my coaching session with George on the 11th, and I sent him the links a day or two later . . . so all this activity on my blog started less than a week later . . . and the activity is from someone in the United States . . .

I’m feeling all the more strongly that is it George . . . and I’m giggling a bit at the prospect of that.

Whomever it is, he has read a significant number of posts everyday since. He reached post #500 today . . . only 177 more to go . . .

If it is George, I’m not sure why he would be interested in my story . . . he associates will all kinds of coaches and transformational folks . . . I don’t know why he would invest his time in my blog. But, whoever this is has read 500 posts, each with about 1,000 words . . . that’s half a million words . . . and his pace indicates he is actually reading them, not just skimming them.

People don’t invest that much time in reading something unless there is something there that really interests them.

Maybe he has his own demons and is looking for somebody who has “been there”. I don’t know . . .

It will be interesting to see if I hear from him (or from whomever) once he reaches the end. That would be really cool.

It took quite a bit of time today to trace the activity back that far. But, I really wanted to do it . . . because of the fantasy I have . . . the craving I have for connection . . .

This all feeds into my fantasy that some guy will read my story and want to get to know me because of it . . . maybe he has some writing project on a related topic that he would like me to provide some input for . . . and that might allow us to get to know each other in person . . . we might fall in love . . .

A guy who would take the time to read my story would likely be the kind of guy who could deal with all the PTSD crap that’s part of my daily life . . . he might value the progress I’ve already made and not criticize me for not having it all dealt with and handled yet . . .

And now, someone is reading my blog, and it could be George . . . and that is something that could fit into my fantasy . . . and that is enough to kick my fantasy into full gear . . .

I wouldn’t even mind if there wasn’t a romantic connection . . . even just a platonic (but emotionally intimate) relationship would be nice . . . it would be nice for a “not safe” guy to want to spend time with me . . .

At any rate, I did something today that could be considered really weird . . . at one point, I was sitting at my desk, and I could see that the mystery reader was reading posts at that moment. I could see the post names show up on my stats page, one-by-one, and the “United States” hits were rising at the same rate . . . I could tell what post he was reading at that moment . . .

So, I opened that same post and read along . . . it allowed me to know what words he was reading at that very moment . . . and I tried to read those words while operating from his perspective, trying to guess what he might be thinking or feeling as he read it . . .

I know . . . rather weird . . .

But, it gave me a sort of sense of connection with him . . . in a round-about way . . .

I’m finding this whole mystery reader thing enjoyable . . . especially knowing that he (or whoever) is reading it because he wants to read it . . . he probably has no idea that I’m paying attention to his progress . . .

My plan for today was to put together a “to do” plan for getting ready to be a CASA . . . figure out what all I need to accomplish and the habits I need to get into place before I would feel “ready enough” . . .

If I don’t put together this plan of action, how am I going to know what I need to do everyday between now and then in order to be ready?

I really don’t feel like putting together that plan today . . . what I really feel like doing is taking the time to allow myself to feel connected with George (or whomever) by reading along with him.

Maybe I should listen to my soul . . . maybe my soul is telling me what I really need . . . which is to take advantage of this opportunity to feel connected with someone in this way.

Okay . . . I’ll do it . . . I’m going to allow myself to experience and enjoy that sense of connection today . . .

And that feels good to me.

Quotes 813


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