Posted by: Marie | December 17, 2013

(899) More than just a job – Part 1 of 3

Post #899
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, July 26, 2012]

My plans for today included having a lesson with Jeff (the psychiatrist) immediately followed by a lesson with James (the cop) . . . Jeff normally has his lessons on Thursdays, so that was nothing unusual . . .

On the other hand, James normally has his lessons on Saturdays. But, he and his family are going out of town this weekend, and he had the day off today because he is scheduled instead to work security duty at a big concert this evening . . . the purpose of the concert is to benefit victims of the recent wild fire. Since he will be working well into the night at the concert, he was supposed to have the day off today . . .

But, of course, there was a shooting this morning and he got called in to investigate the scene . . . he called me this morning and asked if he could reschedule his lesson for tomorrow because he is going to take tomorrow off for sure (well, unless there is another new crime to investigate, of course).

I had been so excited about their lessons being back-to-back because I really would like for them to meet each other. I talk to each one about the other because I think the world of both of them . . . and I think they would get along well . . .

(241)

Photo by Martin Chen

When I mentioned to Jeff that I was disappointed he and James were not going to get to meet each other today as I had hoped, Jeff said he has been hoping to meet James because he (Jeff) is working on writing a crime novel and would like to pick James’ brain about what it is really like to be a cop . . . so, I wasn’t the only one disappointed by today’s turn of events . . .

I was telling Jeff a bit about James, trying to describe James’ personality . . . then I remembered that I’m currently publishing quite a bit of material about James on my blog . . . about the experience of getting to know him . . .

I said to Jeff that, if he were to happen to read my blog (I recently gave him the url for it and invited him to read it), James shows up a lot in the posts I’m publishing right now. The reason he is so prominent in my blog right now is because he was one of the men I first reached out to for an emotionally intimate relationship . . . and I’m publishing posts about the process of getting to know him, which was quite a scary process for me.

I went on to explain to Jeff that Edward was the first man I reached out to, then my cousin was next, then James was third . . . and then I paused and debated about saying out loud what I was thinking, which was that he (Jeff) was the fourth . . .

I decided it would be okay to say it . . . I felt that my relationship with Jeff is strong enough that it would tolerate my sharing something that intimate . . . so, I said it . . . and Jeff expressed surprise . . . but it was “good” surprise, like he was pleased that his relationship with me is special in that way . . . that he likes being a positive part of my healing journey . . .

It makes sense that he would like playing that role since that is what he does for a living . . .

I told Jeff that each of those relationships has been incredibly critical in my healing journey . . . and that the process of reaching out for connection and of sharing on an emotional level has been very scary . . . very difficult . . . but that it has gotten easier with each relationship . . .

Jeff responded that my experience is common . . . that the first healthy relationships feel incredibly impossible . . . and then the hoped-for but seemly impossible experience becomes a reality . . . and you start to accept that healthy relationships are actually a possibility for you . . . and then the next relationship is a bit easier and a bit less scary . . . and the sense of what’s possible grows with each successful relationship . . .

I pointed out reaching out for connection with James had felt more risky to me than with Edward because I was paying Edward for that relationship . . . and it had not felt so risky with my cousin because he is family and he has a vested interest in me because of that . . . on the other hand, James has no motivation to care about me beyond our teacher/student relationship . . . yet, he cares . . . a lot . . .

And now, the same is true with him (Jeff) . . . I now have two men in my life who have no obligation or motivation to care for me, and yet they do . . . and they seem to enjoy spending time with me . . . and they treat me well . . . and that is incredibly healing for me. It opens up the real possibility for me that what I have always known about men does not always hold true.

I described to Jeff how in the earlier relationships – especially during the early days of those earlier relationships – I experienced a lot of heavy infatuation. Whenever I knew I was going to see Edward, I would plan ahead for a week . . . what I was going to wear, what I was going to say, what I would like for him to think about me . . . how to be a “good enough” client so that he wouldn’t push me away . . .

The same was true with my first therapist, Mark, despite the fact it wasn’t a healthy relationship . . . I was definitely infatuated with him . . . the difference between my experience with Mark and my experience with Edward is that Edward treats me with dignity and respect . . . our relationship is healthy and healing.

With Mark and Edward . . . and with James . . . it felt like it was life or death for me as to whether the relationship stayed intact for the long run, at least in the beginning. It feels less like that with them now . . . and I’ve never felt that intensity with Jeff . . . I mean, there is a bit of infatuation with Jeff, but to nearly the degree there was with Mark, Edward and James.

Jeff said that he understood that . . . and that my experience is quite normal and quite common . . .

I also mentioned that some of the relationships I’m establishing now with men involve men who are not married or in committed relationships . . . which makes them “not safe” men . . . and how feeling strong enough and stable enough to handle having platonic but emotionally intimate relationships with “not safe” men has opened up a whole new sphere of possibility for me . . .

Jeff said he is so glad I’m making forward progress in those areas . . .

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 809


Responses

  1. Sounds like things were definitely coming along with your relationships with men. Hope it has kept on keeping on.

    • My relationships with men are getting stronger and healthier all the time!

      • That’s great to hear.


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