Posted by: Marie | October 17, 2013

(878) Too painful to hope

Post #878
[Private journal entry written on the evening of Friday, June 22, 2012]

Since my therapy session this morning, I’ve had a fairly calm day . . .

I had one set of piano lessons (two siblings) in the early afternoon . . . other than that, I’ve just been hanging out at home, allowing myself to process what happened in the session.

Oh, I did have to run by the post office to mail Edward’s payment to him . . . I forgot to take my checkbook with me to my session . . . I guess I was too scatterbrained this morning to remember that little detail . . .

I realized this afternoon that I forgot to tell Edward about Renee . . . I would like to get his feedback on how best to work with her . . . I really believe I could have a positive impact on her . . . I’d love some guidance from Edward on how to best do that.

I’ve had a very hard time staying grounded since the session. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed . . . I’ve just been hanging out in that disconnected space . . . I keep reliving the relief I felt when I finally let go and allowed myself to float out the window of Edward’s office . . .

(222)

Photo by Martin Chen

Since the session, I keep wanting to avoid thinking about the painful issues and instead go back to the disconnected, floating place . . . I don’t want to feel these feelings . . . they are too painful.

I’ve been thinking about what I said to Edward about how he and James are emotionally available to people on a daily basis because that is how they choose to show up in the world . . . there is no reasonable limit to how many people – women – they can connect with in that way. The limitation is that they can/should connect romantically with only one woman . . . and I cannot believe a quality guy would ever pick me for that one special romantic connection.

The weird part of this is that I don’t know what this pain is connected to specifically . . . I don’t know specifically what events in my life created this hopelessness around ever being “good enough” to be loved in a romantic sense. I try to understand it, I try to stay with the feelings long enough to trace back where it started, but staying with the feelings is way too painful . . . I haven’t been able to stay with them that long. I guess Edward is going to have to help me with that process.

Something I have figured out in the hours since the session is that I can tolerate physical proximity with a man as long as I don’t have an emotional connection with him . . . and, I can tolerate emotional intimacy with a man as long as the physical contact is very minimal.

But, the physical proximity I can tolerate (with someone with whom I don’t have emotional intimacy) cannot be prolonged and it cannot be sexual . . . if it starts heading that direction, I can’t relax, I have to hold my breath . . . I can’t breath . . . I can’t move unless I keep a mask in place to hide any authentic expression . . . I have to be frozen into this statue of artificial perfection . . . the closer a man gets, the more intense his scrutiny gets . . . I can’t breath or move or he will see the real me and will leave . . . and that is what terrifies me the most.

The emotional intimacy I have with Edward is okay because we have maintained physical distance . . . we hug, but that is only at the end of the session and it only lasts a couple of seconds. If he were to tell me that he wanted us to sit ten inches away from each other, and to stay that close for 10 minutes . . . that would feel terrifyingly dangerous to me. I don’t think I could ever do that.

Dating requires physical and sexual closeness . . . and, of course, in order to be healthy, it requires emotional authenticity and intimacy . . . and that ain’t gonna happen, not in this lifetime, honey.

I think that is the root of it . . . I can’t trust that someone can be close to me physically and, at the same time be loving and accepting towards me. I think that part of the trust has been permanently destroyed; that’s the part of the trust I’ll never get back. I’ll never be able to rebuild it. I can’t fathom that it will ever be safe to allow that to happen.

I hate that the desire to be partnered is so strong, and that I have no hope it will ever happen for me. It is too painful to hope.

Anyway, I’m about ready to fall asleep . . . I’ve taken some melatonin and it is kicking in. I’m trying to get to bed early tonight and see if getting a full night’s sleep tonight will help me feel more pulled together tomorrow.

Quotes 788


Responses

  1. That split of the emotional and the physical applies in all sorts of ways I think.

    • It’s almost like I need to keep at least one in a defensive posture in case I need to fight/run . . .


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