Posted by: Marie | October 15, 2013

(876) Floating away – Part 4 of 5

Post #876
[Private journal entry written on Friday, June 22, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

————–

(Then, Edward very gently restarted the conversation . . . )

Edward: Where are you with all of this? What are you feeling right now?

Me: (With a little less venom in my voice) Well, I’m angry . . .

I’m angry with you for continuing to ask these questions when I don’t have hope . . .

(220)

Photo by Martin Chen

I feel like this issue is a 1,000 pound weight sitting in the middle of the floor and you are trying to get me to move it . . . you’re trying to coach me on how to stand and where to put my hands and which way to lift first, and I’m sitting looking at it and thinking, “It’s never going to happen, I’m never going to be able to pick up 1,000 pounds, so why even bother trying?”

It’s frustrating because I know you want to continue working on this, but I don’t want to continue because it won’t do any good. It’s not going to shift. This is never going to happen. This is one piece that I cannot shift my belief around. I’m fed up with my perception of the impossibility and with the fact that you don’t see it as an impossibility and you want to keep working on it . . .

(Shutting down emotionally) I just don’t . . . I don’t know . . . I don’t know what this is . . . I don’t know what to do with this . . .

(We sat in silence for a few more minutes)

Me: (With a touch of self-pity) I’m just frustrated that I’ve been in therapy for . . . well, for however many years . . . and I’ve not made any progress on this . . .

Edward: I don’t agree that you haven’t made any progress.

Me: Well, whatever . . . I’m not any closer to believing that being in a relationship is a possibility for me.

I can believe there are men in the world who are good guys and who will treat me well . . . like you and James . . . but they do it because that is who they are and that is how they treat people in general.

I don’t believe that a quality guy would single me out for that one intimate relationship – no man is going to choose me for that.

Edward: What if we didn’t try to shift your belief about yourself today . . . what if, instead, we found a way for you to express the emotions you are feeling around the issue?

(I dispassionately shrugged my shoulders)

Edward: Do you want to express that anger?

Me: (Shrugging again) I don’t know . . .

I think I just did express it with my voice . . .

Edward: You expressed your anger with your words . . . ?? Or, with the volume of your voice . . . ??

Me: Yeah . . . both . . .

————–

We fell silent again.

Inside my head, I was thinking that I definitely would love to kick and scream and throw things . . . but, it is very scary to even admit to him out loud that I’m feeling intense anger. There is no way I could say to him right now that I would like to kick and scream and throw things . . . and there is no way I could actually allow myself to be out of control enough to actually do that.

The sense of hopelessness around my belief that I’m permanently broken and unlovable is so intense that I was not able to stay with those feelings any longer. That is such a tender spot.

I shut my eyes . . . I thought, “I can’t stay in the room . . . I don’t want to be here with Edward anymore . . . I want to disappear . . . ”

I wondered if I could crawl into the corner of his office . . . or curl up into the fetal position on the couch . . . or hide under my blanket . . . (well, I didn’t have my blanket with me because I thought we were past my needing it, so that wasn’t really an option . . . )

I finally decided I’d just leave my body. Staying was just too overwhelming . . .

I mean, my choices were to hang on and do nothing (because I felt too paralyzed to do anything), or I could let go and float away.

I decided to float away. It took a few minutes to get to the point I could allow myself to let go of my body and float away.

In the few minutes I spent letting go, I found myself thinking, “It really is childish to proactively choose to leave my body . . . I should stay and deal with this head-on . . . well, maybe not, maybe I need that relief, maybe it is okay to allow myself to go away . . . ”

So, I tuned in on someone running a chainsaw down the road . . . it wasn’t very loud, but loud enough that I could hook onto the sound and follow it out of the room . . . and go be with it and not have to be in the room . . . I could just disconnect . . .

I just sat there for a few minutes with my eyes closed. Neither of us spoke. I wrestled with feeling relief and with feeling silly . . . I was still pretty aware of the time, so it wasn’t like I lost time, I just wasn’t in the room anymore. It was rather weird to be in control of my leaving the room . . . leaving my body . . .

After a while, the thought crossed my mind that it might be good to let Edward know what was happening . . . it would be helpful to him to know where I had gone . . . and why . . . not that I wanted to be helped by him . . . I really wanted to be left alone . . . but, I’m sure he was wondering . . .

So, without opening my eyes, I spoke . . .

————–

Me: I’m gone . . . I’m out there (pointing towards the window) because it is too painful to be in here. I can’t do this.

Edward: It’s fine with me that you are out there. Take as much time as you need. There is no need for you to do anything more in here with me today.

Me: (Emotion crept back into my voice) I’m out there and I don’t feel safe enough to come back in here. This is too painful.

Edward: There’s no hurry, take your time. You are welcome to stay out there.

————–

And we went back to sitting in silence.

It was a rather weird experience . . . I didn’t know what I was going to say to him about not feeling safe until I started talking . . . once I started talking, the words just fell out of my mouth, I didn’t think much about it. I’m glad because, if I would have thought about it, I think the words would have seemed too childish and I might not have allowed myself to speak them. But, I was able to speak them.

And then, I realized that, while “outside” with the chainsaw noise was a comfortable place to hang, at some point, I was going to have to come back inside . . . in order to get on with my day . . . in order to walk out of Edward’s office, down the stairs and get into my car, I was going to have to come back into the room . . . and Edward was still in the room . . . at some point, I was going to have to deal with Edward.

As tempting as it was to just hang outside the window indefinitely, that really was not an option. I had to get back to my life at some point . . .

My dilemma was that there was no way to bypass Edward to get to my car.

I knew I needed to say something to start negotiating with Edward how I was going to handle my dilemma. So, with my eyes still closed, I stated the obvious . . .

————–

Me: I’m still gone.

Edward: Yes, I see that.

Me: I can’t do this.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 786


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