Posted by: Marie | October 14, 2013

(875) Floating away – Part 3 of 5

Post #875
[Private journal entry written on Friday, June 22, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

————–

Edward: Tell me about not being ready to deal with the possibility of dating . . .

Me: I just don’t think I’d be ready anytime before then.

Edward: (After a thoughtful pause) What has to happen in order for you to be ready?

Me: Well, lose weight, for starters . . . and get my face cleared up . . . those would be the biggest thing because I can’t really advertise myself as “available” until I get those things handled . . .

Edward: How would your weight and your acne keep you from being available?

Me: Because no man would be attracted to me as long as I’m overweight and my face is all broken out.

Edward: Do you think a man would be attracted to your kind spirit and your humor and your compassion?

Me: Well, sure . . . but I’d have to also be sexually attractive to him as well if it were going to be a dating relationship.

Edward: Your weight and your acne keep you from being sexually attractive?

(219)

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: Yes.

Edward: Can you tell me more about that?

Me: (An edge of anger started creeping into my voice) Men want to date women who are skinny and cute . . . they don’t want to date frumpy, fat women like me. That’s just the way it is, I can’t change how it is, all I can do is change what I look like so I can be more sexually attractive . . . and I haven’t figured out how to do that yet because I keep binge eating and picking at my face . . . I don’t have a lot of hope that things will ever be different for me.

Editorial note: There is another piece to this that I didn’t think to mention to him at the time, but I thought about it later as I was at home, writing the journal entry . . . I’m grossed out by the idea of sex right now . . . the thought of a guy thrusting and panting on me makes me want to vomit . . . so, there’s that, as well . . . )

Edward: (After another long pause) Do you think that is all that men want?

Me: Well, that has been my experience, at least in romantic situations.

I mean . . . I have relationships with women where it’s obviously not about sex . . . I have value there. But, who I am outside of my sexuality is not appreciated by men in dating scenarios.

Edward: What is your value in relationships with those women?

Me: I listen well and I support them, and I bring humor into the relationship . . .

Edward: So your value is in what you can give them?

Me: Well, to some extent . . . there is give and take . . . but, if I talked all the time, if I try to borrow money all the time, they aren’t going to stick around for that kind of relationship.

Edward: In a relationship like that, you would be taking all the time . . . and that wouldn’t work, correct?

Me: True.

Edward: Would you agree there needs to be giving and taking in order for a relationship to work?

Me: Well, yeah. People aren’t going to invest in relationships unless they get something out of it. We do what we do because we get something from it.

Edward: Okay, that is true.

What do you receive in those relationships?

Me: I get the same things back . . . the companionship and the listening and the support and someone to share experiences with . . .

Edward: Do you think it could be the same with a man?

Me: Well, sure, in theory . . .

But, it has been my practical experience that what a man wants is sex . . . and, what I want is the emotional connection.

Right now, I’m not able to give sex . . . and I find it hard to believe I can receive emotional availability from a man in the context of a romantic relationship. So, I don’t see how a romantic relationship is possible for me.

I know there are men “out there” who can provide the emotional connection . . . I know that logically . . . I have examples of men like that in my life . . . James and you and Caleb . . . but those men aren’t available to me in a romantic sense . . . those men aren’t interested in dating me . . .

Well, the obvious reason the married men aren’t interested in dating me is because they are married . . . but, even if they were available, they wouldn’t be interested in dating me.

Edward: Why not?

Me: Because I believe I’m broken and damaged . . . it’s all of that same old stuff . . .

Even though I know logically that is not true, I can’t shift that belief. It is so entrenched in my core beliefs that I can’t shift it.

Edward: Do you feel an obligation to shift that?

Me: Yeah, I do . . . because I can’t fully participate in relationships until I do.

Edward: What happens if you never shift that?

Me: Then I’ve become a victim . . . I’ve given up . . . and that is not okay for me to become a victim.

Edward: Who is telling you that that is being a victim?

(I paused for a long moment . . . not because I didn’t know the answer, but rather because my frustration with running into this same issue AGAIN was growing . . . when I did respond, the frustration had crept into my voice and gestures . . . )

Me: That would be my dad’s voice . . .

Edward: (After watching me carefully for a few moments) I see strong emotion is coming up for you . . . can you tell me what those emotions are about?

Me: It’s that I don’t know how to jump that hurdle. That’s what the hopelessness is that I keep running into. I hate that I keep running into the same immovable hurdles.

Edward: (After a long pause) Do you agree with your dad?

Me: Well, yes, to some extent . . .

I can’t just give up on believing better about myself . . . because then I would be playing the role of a victim . . . so, I feel an obligation to continue trying to shift the belief that I’m broken and damaged and unloveable . . .

(With tears of anger and frustration welling up) But, I can’t shift it . . . I’ve tried and tried and I just can’t . . . and I have no hope that I ever will be able to shift it . . .

Edward: What if the reality is that you just haven’t shifted it yet?

Me: Well, that’s what I said . . . I haven’t shifted it yet.

Edward: And what if all you need is more time to process the trauma and pain you’ve experienced in the past?

Me: But, I don’t think time will help . . . I don’t think anything will help . . . I believe I’m broken and damaged and I believe I will never feel differently about myself . . .

(I buried my hands in my face and let sobs take over . . . I was overcome with hopeless about this stuff . . . after a few moments, with my voice filled with anger, I continued . . . )

Me: (With gritted teeth) I don’t have any more answers . . . I don’t have the answers to your questions! That’s the best I know! I don’t have anything else I can tell you . . . I can’t tell you what you want to hear!

I’m very logically aware that my thinking is messed up, but I’m not able to shift that at a body level or a soul level . . . wherever that belief is stored . . .

Edward: (After a respectful lengthy pause) Do you think I’m judging you for not being able to shift that?

Me: No . . . I know you aren’t . . . I know I’m feeling the weight of my dad’s judgment . . . and my own judgment . . .

It’s just that I know how critical it is to my healing to be able to shift this . . . and I can’t make it happen . . . so, I guess I’m screwed.

(We sat in silence for several minutes. I didn’t have anything more to say, really . . . I mean, what else could I say?

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 785


Responses

  1. There were some really impressive challenges by Edward in that session I think.

    • He seems to know when to push and when to back off . . . he is very in-tune with me . . . and that is incredibly helpful to me!


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