Posted by: Marie | October 13, 2013

(874) Floating away – Part 2 of 5

Post #874
[Private journal entry written on Friday, June 22, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]


Edward: Tell me more about the compulsive buying . . .

Me: Well, I used to be a compulsive shopper before I lost all my money . . . then, I didn’t have any money with which to buy stuff, so I was forced to stop it.

Edward: What did you buy?

Me: Some household stuff like kitchen gadgets, décor items . . . I got a lot of jewelry . . . a LOT of jewelry . . .

Edward: Do you still have the jewelry?

Me: Oh, no, I had to sell it to eat when times got lean . . . of course, I didn’t get back nearly what I paid for it, but that wasn’t the point . . . the point was that I needed to buy food and I had jewelry that was worth some money . . . it didn’t make sense to go hungry when I could sell the jewelry, even if I only got 1/5 of what I paid for it . . .


Photo by Martin Chen

Edward: Yes, that makes sense.

Me: So . . . anyway . . . I had a line item in my budget to hire someone to help me with my administrative stuff so I could spend more of my time teaching. However, I discovered I really didn’t have enough budget to make it worth involving someone else . . .

The good news is that my mom volunteered to do my bookkeeping for free . . . I do stuff to help her out and she said this could be a way she could return the favor. So, that will be a big help!

Edward: Does she know how to do bookkeeping?

Me: Oh, yes . . . she has been a bookkeeper most of her adult life.

Edward: Well, great! That is good news!

Me: And . . . I put a line item in my budget for Proactive skin care products . . . my acne always clears up when I use it . . . but, it is not cheep . . . and, in the past, I have bought it with the intention of using it, but then I don’t . . . then, the products just sit there, unused, until the active ingredients expire . . . it aggravates me when I waste money like that.

Edward: What would keep you from using the products consistently?

Me: It takes time to do the routine consistently . . . and I’m not so good at doing self-care stuff consistently . . .

Part of the reason it takes so much time is that the skin around my eyes is super sensitive . . . I have to take extra steps to protect that skin; otherwise, if I get the Proactive stuff on that skin, my eyes swell up like someone punched me . . . it looks awful and is really painful . . . and it takes weeks to get it to calm back down again. So, it’s a big deal to use the Proactive . . . but, it does help with my acne . . . so, there’s a trade-off . . .

I’m finding I do better if I don’t wear make-up . . . the make-up dries out the scabs and then I’m more tempted to pick at them . . . if I don’t wear make-up the scabs stay soft, I don’t pick at them and my face heals faster . . . but then, I have to deal with not having the acne covered up . . . I’ve been afraid people would be grossed out . . . but, it turns out that people really don’t stare and don’t seem to care, so it’s been pretty easy to deal with that.

I think I’ll do well with sticking with using it this time around . . . I’m feeling good about how my self-care is going right now.

Edward: What brought on the shift?

Me: Well, I’m feeling better . . . instead of feeling depressed and constantly thinking about all the things I should be doing or that I want to be doing, I’m actually doing them. I’m actually getting things done that I want to do and things I’m excited about. I’m not in that survival mode anymore.

Edward: How is it for you to be feeling better?

Me: Well, of course, it’s really nice . . . it makes it so much easier to get out of bed and get things done . . . it’s not such a struggle.

(Edward smiled a bit and nodded his head . . . )

Edward: (After a pause) What kind of projects are getting done that you’re excited about?

Me: Of course, my budget . . . and catching up on my blog . . . in fact, in my blog, I’ve caught up on like three month’s worth of posts in the past three or four weeks.

Edward: Wow! That’s a lot!

Me: Yes . . . I miss having the time to work on it consistently . . . and that means I get behind on it.

Edward: How far behind are you right now?

Me: I’m publishing journal entries from almost a year ago . . . like 11 months ago . . . and I’m preparing posts from last September that will be published in maybe six or eight weeks from now.

Edward: What was happening in your life last September?

Me: I’m preparing the posts where I talk about getting ready to go to my cousin’s house . . . and I was dealing with the “touching” situation with James . . .

Edward: How does it cause you to feel when you go back and read those journal entries?

Me: I’ve forgotten a lot of the details . . . I’ve forgotten how far down I was . . . I have come a long way since then . . . that was really a dark time . . . and it wasn’t that long ago that I was in that really dark time.

Edward: That’s true.

(We sat without speaking for several moments, just letting that acknowledgement settle down around us . . . then, I spoke up with a bit of playfulness in my voice . . . )

Me: Oh, and, by the way . . . I put a line item in my budget for . . . for down the road a ways . . .

Edward: Oh, really! How far down the road?

Me: I put it way out there . . . I originally set it for a year or so from now, but that really made me anxious . . . so anxious that I took the line item completely out of my budget . . . I didn’t even want to think about the possibility . . .

Then, I put the line item back in but set the budgeted amount to zero . . .

Then, finally, I put $20 a month into that account, which is the amount of the cheapest subscription . . .

But, the overall five-year budget wasn’t balancing and I was running out of places I could realistically cut, and I can’t really reduce the monthly amount of because it is what it is . . . so, I pushed back the start date to the end of 2014 and that made the overall budget balance.

Edward: Is that a realistic date, or do you think you might be ready before then?

Me: Sure . . . I can’t imagine being ready to date any sooner than that.

And it’s not an immoveable date . . . if I do decide I’m ready to date and ready to join before then, I’m sure I could come up with $20 a month somehow. But, right now, I’m not ready to deal with the possibility of dating, so I’m okay with it being that far out.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 784


  1. Great to hear you were feeling better. Hope you are feeling even better now.

    • Thank you for the kind well-wishes, Evan!

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