Posted by: Marie | October 12, 2013

(873) Floating away – Part 1 of 5

Post #873
[Private journal entry written on Friday, June 22, 2012]

Today was therapy session day . . . and the session was a doozy . . . lots of raw, primitive emotions . . .

Of course, that’s not how things started . . . the session started out all upbeat and light-spirited . . . well, except for the part of the process that involved me getting to Edward’s office . . .

(217)

Photo by Martin Chen

I was running late this morning . . . I was having a hard time getting myself pulled together and out the door of my house . . . I haven’t been sleeping so well lately, so I really wanted to sleep, but I had to get up and get ready . . . I stalled on getting out of bed until the very last minute . . . I guess I’m PMS-ing or something . . . I’m in the height of my period so I feel bloated and yucky . . .

I finally got in the car at 8:58am . . . my appointment was at 9:15 and it usually takes me 20-25 minutes to drive to Edward’s office from my house . . . if you do the math, you can see there was a problem . . .

It was 9:21 when I walked in the front door of his office building (an historic house in the original “downtown” area of City #1). I knew I needed to stop in the restroom to take care of feminine hygiene issues . . . otherwise, there was a good chance both Edward and I were going to be embarrassed before the end of the session . . . if you know what I mean . . .

There were no signs indicating he had come downstairs looking for me . . . I was hoping I still had time to take a bio-break before he started looking for me . . .

I hurried up the stairs . . . the only bathroom in the building is upstairs, right next to his office. As I reached the top of the stairs, he came out of his office . . .

————–

Edward: Good! I’m glad you came on up!

Me: Oh, are you ready for me?

Edward: I am!

Me: Okay . . . I need to use the restroom first . . .

Edward: Oh, okay! Take your time . . . and when you finish, I’ll take a restroom break while you get settled in my office . . .

Me: Okay!

————–

So, I used the restroom and then settled into my spot on his couch in his office . . . while he was taking his turn in the restroom, I took some deep breathes to dispel the sense of hurry encompassing my body, and tried to relax into the healing energy of his office . . .

We finally got started with the session about 9:27 . . . we normally get started about ten or 15 minutes late . . . so, that was about par for the course . . .

————–

Edward: How have you been?

Me: I’ve actually been doing quite well . . . I’ve been getting a lot done . . . projects I’ve been wanting to do for quite a while . . . for example, I put together a detailed five-year budget . . .

Edward: Tell me about that!

Me: I’ve always had a loosely-structured budget in my head . . . I have a pretty good idea of how much I can spend for things and still be able to pay my bills . . .

But, I put together this detailed budget so I could start putting money aside for savings . . . I mean, at some point, I’m going to have to buy a new car because my current car is getting quite old . . . or, at least, I’ll have to put significant money into it for some major repairs. And, I need to start putting aside money for emergencies and for retirement . . . right now, I live paycheck to paycheck . . .

Even though I didn’t finish putting the budget together until a week ago – the 15th, I went back and entered all the expenditures starting with the 1st. That way, I could do a full month’s worth of data for June . . . it just made more sense to me.

Edward: So, you still had all that information?

Me: Oh, yeah . . . I’ve tracked every penny I’ve spent for like the last 20 years . . . well, once in a while I’ll spend some cash for something where I won’t get a receipt, then I’ll not remember where it went, but it is safe to say I know where 99% of my money has gone.

Edward: Wow!

Me: It’s something I started when I got in a really bad place financially because I was spending more than I was making . . . and I was making a really nice salary at the time! I couldn’t understand why I was having trouble . . . so I started tracking every penny and I was shocked by what I learned . . . and it soon become very clear what the issue was . . . and it allowed me to do better.

Edward: Good for you!

Me: Thanks . . .

So . . . anyway . . . during the first half of June I had bought a bunch of ice cream, and I had eaten fast food almost daily . . . so, I was already over my “outside the plan” food budget . . .

I have two sub-accounts under the “food” heading . . . one is for food that is within my healthy eating plan, like high-quality protein, veggies, fruit, etc. The other is for food that is outside my healthy eating plan, like ice cream and fast food. Since I had eaten a bunch of fast food and ice cream during the first half of the month, I was already $100 over my allotted amount for the second account.

Here’s the interesting part . . . I’m finding that my desire to stick within the budget is stronger than my desire to eat ice cream or fast food. When I drive by the store and think to myself, “Man, I could really use some ice cream tonight . . . maybe I’ll stop in and get some . . . “

Then, I remember my budget . . . and I don’t stop at the store . . . which means I don’t have ice cream in the house, which means I haven’t been eating it for the last week because of the budget, and not because of a change in my eating plan . . . if that makes sense.

(Edward nodded his head)

Me: Here’s something else I find interesting . . . through this process, I’ve discovered that the act of buying the ice cream is part of the numbing process . . . I mean, obviously, I eat it for the purpose of numbing, but the excitement of buying it . . . the anticipation of eating it as I drive home . . . that is all part of my coping mechanism, as well.

Edward: Do you think it is more about the buying or more about the anticipation of eating it?

Me: Um . . . probably more about the act of buying it . . . I’ve struggled with compulsive buying in the past, too . . .

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 783


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