Posted by: Marie | August 18, 2013

(856) Giving myself protection – Part 1 of 5

Post #856
[Private journal entry written on Friday, June 1, 2012]

Today was therapy session day . . .

As I was waiting in the waiting room of Edward’s office, a man and a woman came down the stairs . . .

The woman stormed angrily through the waiting room and slammed the front door as she exited the building. The man came after her, maybe a dozen strides behind . . . he was walking in a more relaxed manner, but I could still sense the tension in his stride.

While the woman never acknowledged my existence, the man held my gaze for a few seconds as he passed through the waiting room . . . almost apologizing with his eyes.

Edward came down the stairs 30 seconds later. I knew the couple were Edward’s clients because he is the only psychotherapist on the second floor . . . everyone else on that floor is a massage therapist or an energy healer . . . so, he is the only practitioner who would see more than one person at a time and the only one whose service would likely stir up that level of anger . . . and, since Edward appeared shortly after they left . . . well, it was pretty easy to figure out the association.

(202)

Photo by Martin Chen

At that point, Edward was running 15 minutes behind schedule . . . he usually runs five to 10 minutes late, but usually not 15, so I figured he had spent some extra time with them, trying to address the situation that had stirred up that anger.

Edward apologized for the delay, then he invited me to go ahead into his office to get settled. He said he needed to stop in the kitchen and then the restroom . . .

When he came in, I could sense that he was a little off-balance . . . a little unsettled. I wondered if it was because of what had just happened with the couple. I decided I would check on him before we jumped into my stuff . . .

I mentioned I had seen the couple leave and that I could feel the trail of tension they left all the way down the stairs and out the front door . . . I made a point of not asking about what had happened with them since he obviously couldn’t tell me anything about them, but, I did ask him if it was hard for him to be in that explosive energy and then have to quickly pull away from that and turn his attention to the me without bringing the tension into my session . . .

Edward: Um, not really . . . well sometimes, but not today.

Me: Well, good . . . I’m glad . . .

Do you need a minute to catch your breath, though?

Edward: Thank you for your concern . . . it is kind of you to check with me. But no, I don’t need to catch my breath, I’m doing well . . . I’m ready to give you my full attention.

Me: Okay . . . and, you are welcome . . .

Edward: So . . . how are you today?

Me: I’ve been feeling really good . . . I haven’t been focusing too much on current therapeutic issues because I’ve been busy getting the summer schedule set up . . . and catching up on stuff like emails and my blog . . .

As you know, I usually send an email to you before each session so you have an idea of what’s going on with me before I walk in the door. But, I didn’t send one this time because I’ve been so busy . . .

Wait . . . I don’t think I sent one . . . right? Did I?

Edward: (Smiling) No, you didn’t.

Me: Well, anyway . . . does that give you an idea how crazy busy I’ve been . . . ??

Edward: Yes . . .

Me: The good news is that I’ve been feeling good enough to actually do the things that are on my “to do” list . . . the things that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time but haven’t been able to shrug off the depression long enough to get them done.

Edward: Well, congratulations!

Me: Thank you . . .

A couple of days ago, I set my alarm a little bit early so I could get to the conscious business networking group meeting . . . I have to leave my house at 7:25am to get to the meeting on time . . .

When I woke up, I was feeling all excited like something really special was going to happen . . . I was almost giggly when I woke up . . .

As my mind woke up and I started to think through what was on my schedule for the day, I realized that it was just a normal day . . . nothing unusual on the schedule . . . and I wondered why I was feeling all excited about the day . . .

So, anyway, it was my turn to lead the networking meeting this week . . . as we were doing the tune-in, I got all emotional . . .

When I first started attending the group meetings, I cried at least once during every single meeting . . . I guess mostly because the warmth and authenticity I experience in the group was so healing for me . . .

The people in the group have given me a hard time . . . well, I mean . . . you know . . . good-natured ribbing . . . about my tendency to cry . . . someone always keeps a kleenex box near me . . . and if someone else gets emotional, they’ll humorously ask me if I’m willing to share . . . so, I know my tears are welcome there . . .

But, lately, I’ve gotten emotional less and less often . . . I guess some of the emotional wounds are healing and I’m relaxing into that acceptance and warmth.

Anyway . . . I got emotional during the tune-in because I got to thinking about how good I’ve been feeling . . . how I woke up with excitement even though there was nothing in particular to be excited about today. I was so emotional that I struggled to speak right after the tune-in . . . I just said to the group that I would keep leading despite my tears . . . because I don’t want to hide what I’m really feeling . . . and I shared with them how I had woken up excited about the day . . . and how good that feels . . .

The group members whispered words of encouragement and I kept going with the meeting . . . and my emotions settled down after a few minutes . . .

I really appreciate the support I receive within this group . . . it is a safe place for me.

So . . . the emotions I’ve been experiencing during the last couple of weeks have been really upbeat . . . that’s new . . . and I like it . . .

Edward: Congratulations! You’ve been working very hard on your healing and now you are reaping the benefits . . .

—————

I thanked him . . . and then I told him how, a couple of weeks ago, I had been triggered by working so many continuous hours on my blog, and how I had not been triggered the next weekend despite working on the blog again . . . and how I think the difference was that I went into the second weekend being aware that I could be triggered by working on the blog . . .

Edward asked me how the triggering showed up . . . I told him about the binging and the masturbating . . . and the picking . . . we talked about that a bit and I told him that I understand that is just how I cope with the strong emotions and it is part of my healing process . . . and that I’m not beating myself up over it . . .

I told him it was so nice to get back to my blog . . . I’ve been so busy that I’ve fallen behind on my blog . . . and I’ve missed the connection with my on-line community.

—————

Edward: I had been wondering if you were still blogging . . .

Me: Yes . . . I’ve continued writing journal entries, and I stay up-to-date with that, but I’ve fallen behind on publishing the journal entries to the blog . . . it takes about an hour to edit and format each post to move it from my journal to the blog . . . and that’s not including the time it takes to actually write the journal entry. So, I can’t always keep up with it. Right now, I’m running about a year behind in publishing to the blog.

Edward: Are your readers aware of the time delay?

Me: Oh, yeah . . . I explain it in an editorial note in my side bar, and I also note the date that I actually wrote the journal entry at the top of the post. Of course, the blog puts a date stamp on each post, so the readers can see the gap between the two dates.

What’s interesting about it is that I’m finding I’m getting double value from my sessions . . . I gain insight at the time of the session, then I gain even more insight when I prepare the journal entry for publication in the blog. And, sometimes, since I’m further along in my healing, I’m more ready at the later time to absorb what you said during the actual session.

And . . . this last weekend, I was catching up on the archive pages, which meant I was reading through the journal entries from more than two years ago. There was stuff in there I had totally forgotten about! It was so fun to go back that far! So, I guess, in that case, I was getting triple value from my therapy sessions!

(We both laughed)

Me: Another reason it is cool to go back and read old journal entries is because I can see how far I’ve come . . . for example, right now I’m publishing posts about James and Cindy . . . James is my piano student who is a cop, and Cindy is his wife . . .

A year ago, I journaled about how I wanted to get to know them . . . but I didn’t know if that was possible.

And, now, over the last month, they took me to dinner . . . they have made a point of telling me how much they like me and that they consider me to be family . . . so, it’s been neat to realize how far that relationship has come in the past year . . . how much I wanted a relationship with them and how neat it is that I have it now.

Edward: I think that speaks to how authentically you are showing up with them.

(I nodded my head in agreement)

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 766


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