Posted by: Marie | August 16, 2013

(854) A call for self-care

Post #854
[Private journal entry written on Sunday, May 20, 2012]

I had an epiphany this evening . . .

For the past couple of days, I have been in a full-on “binge” mode . . . I’ve been binge-eating non-stop, I’ve been masturbating to violent porn every few hours . . . and in and among all of that, I’ve sat on my bathroom counter with my face one inch away from the mirror, picking and picking and picking at my skin for hours at a time.

The night before last, I had that very disturbing dream about my sister raping me . . . and I’ve been in a very dark and depressed place ever since.

I haven’t been in this dark of a place for quite some time . . . and I stopped to ask myself what was really going on with me . . . what triggered this . . . ?? I started silently berating myself for being so broken and damaged that I have, once again, ended up in this dark place . . . what is wrong with me????

That’s when it dawned on me . . .

For starters, my period is just starting . . . barely getting started . . . I feel bloated and disgusting . . . and I’m sure my hormones are primed for emotional upset . . .

(200)

Photo by Martin Chen

And, since I had some free time this weekend, I decided to spend it working on my blog. I’ve been catching up on journaling about current events. And, I’ve been transferring old journal entries to the blog for publication, which involves editing and formatting them, putting in keywords, etc.

And, I’ve been catching up on my blog’s archive pages, which involves putting a short blurb about each individual already-published post next to a link for that post . . . and, it involves carefully studying each already-published post to find eye-catching quotes to put into the little green quote boxes that are scattered throughout the archive pages . . .

So, that means I’ve been going back and reliving some really difficult moments in my healing journey. I’ve been re-experiencing all the drama and the difficult emotions and the recovery of traumatic memories . . .

No wonder I dreamed that dream . . . no wonder I’m using every coping and numbing behavior I have in my arsenal . . . no wonder I’m re-enacting my trauma through masturbating to violent porn . . .

Now that I’ve realized what is going on with me, I’m finding it easier to be more compassionate with myself. I can see that these behaviors are simply my way of coping the best way I know how at this time . . . and I know I’m always learning better ways, I’m always moving forward in my healing . . . and, in time, my coping behaviors will become healthier, and, in time, I will have less need for coping behaviors because I will be triggered less and less by what happens around me.

I have also realized that it would be healthy for me to take a break from working on my journal/blog, at least for a day or two . . . and, when I do go back to working on it, I need to be aware that it is triggering for me and it would be normal for me to feel depressed and to want to use coping behaviors as I work on it . . . and that I need to give myself some extra self-care when I do work on my blog in the future.

So, I guess it’s time to take a break for a day or two . . .

Quotes 764


Responses

  1. Great to hear about the insight and it lead to being more compassionate to yourself.

    Hope you’ve been managing to get more breaks from the blog since.

    • I’m finally catching onto the self-compassion thing!!

      • That’s wonderful to hear Marie


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