Posted by: Marie | July 16, 2013

(850) Defining reality – Part 7 of 7

Post #850
[Private journal entry written on Friday, May 11, 2012 – continued from previous post]

—————

Me: (Turning to look at the clock) I didn’t pay attention to when we got started . . . how much time do we have left?

Edward: Oh . . . eight or 10 minutes . . .

Me: Okay . . . shall we move onto the last email?

Edward: Sure! Do you want to read it out loud, also?

Me: Yeah . . .

This is the email I sent on April 27th . . .

“Good morning, Edward!

“I just woke up from a dream . . . a gentle one . . . I was in a post office (not sure if I was an employee or a customer) and was having a conversation with an employee (a very effeminate male) about a computer transaction. Then, the conversation turned more personal and I mentioned I was looking for someone for something (I don’t remember for what) and asked if he knew someone who would be a good fit.

“He pulled out a business card of a lady and strongly emphasized that she would be a great fit. In fact, he actually had tears in his eyes as he said it — I could see pain there as I got the sense he really wanted an opportunity for her to do whatever it was I was looking for someone to do. I got the sense I could provide an opportunity for this woman to show up in a way she hardly ever has had the opportunity to do.

“As soon as I looked at the photo on the card, I could clearly see it was him dressed as a woman. I could see that feminine side of him was crying to come out and be expressed. I wondered if he was wanting to transition fully from male to female, or if he wanted to retain his ‘public’ male expression as well as his ‘private’ female expression so he could retain the dualism of the contrasting expressions.

“And that was the end of the dream.

“When I woke up, I realized that the guy was representative of me. And, I realized that my being revolted by the idea of having a ‘womb space’ in last week’s business network meeting is related to that.

“I also realized that I may have never told you about the ambiguity I have experienced all of my adulthood around my gender identity and sexual preferences — I’m not sure it has ever come up in our conversations.

“As I’ve traveled along this healing journey, I’ve often wondered how much of that ambiguity comes from wounding/trauma and how much comes from natural expression — and I’ve often wondered what my gender identity and sexual preferences will look like after significant healing.

“So, it seems this could be factored into our conversations around the ‘womb space’ and about body memories.

“I’ll see you in a couple of weeks!

“- Marie”

Me: So . . . I’m thinking that I’ve never talking to you about my gender identity and sexual preferences . . . I don’t think I’ve ever told you that I’ve dated, and had sexual relationships with, both genders.

Edward: No, you haven’t.

Me: It’s not that I’m overly concerned about it or hiding it or anything . . . it’s just that I am expecting there to be a shift in those areas as I’m healing, so I’m not sure where on the spectrum I’ll land when I’m in a more “healed” place. Because of that, I really haven’t been ready to deal with my gender identity and sexual preferences . . . that’s why it hasn’t come up in the conversation yet.

Edward: That makes perfect sense to me.

(196)

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: I’m not overly concerned about which direction they might swing . . . I don’t really care . . . I’m just kind of curious about what will happen once I’ve swung whichever direction I’m going to swing.

One thing that I’m noticing around my sexual preferences is that the sexual-preference map that gets written on early in life – or is influenced genetically – or whatever . . . it seems that what was written on my map was the sexual violence. And so, what has aroused me for most of my life has been the fantasy of being raped by an older man. For me, arousal has been more about the being raped, the control and the pain, as opposed to truly being attracted to a particular gender or type of person.

As my traumatic history heals and the layers of the onion peel off, I’m discovering that my sexual-preference map is sitting underneath all that, and that the map is rather like a blank page.

The rape scenario has been such a huge part of who I am and of my sexual identity that I never developed what would be my more natural or authentic preferences. I’m not really attracted to men and I’m not really attracted to women . . . instead, I feel rather asexual. I don’t really feel attracted to anybody . . . I’m turned on by the rape scenario, not by individual people . . . not by a particular body type or a particular hair color . . . nothing.

So, that’s interesting to me.

Edward: It sounds like you are pretty open to whatever unfolds in these areas.

Me: Yeah . . .

Edward: I appreciate your sharing that information with me . . . it is new information for me and it will help me know how to better interact with you in here.

Me: Good . . . I figured I should tell you.

Edward: So . . . I have some thoughts around what you said . . . would you like for me to share those with you?

Me: Sure!

Edward: Two things came to mind as you were reading the email and as you then spoke about your sexual preferences and sexual identity . . .

First, it sounds like being molested had a huge and early influence on your sexual mapping.

(I nodded my head)

Edward: And then, your dad’s discomfort with your sexuality forced you shut down your sexuality, so you weren’t able to freely explore your natural sexuality at a critical period in the development of your sexuality.

(I nodded again)

Edward: And your development was choked by the fact you were not allowed to express – or even to acknowledge – having emotions around being molested and around being forced to disavow your sexuality.

Me: Yes, I agree.

Edward: Second, it sounds to me that your experience of sex has been far more about recreating and reliving – trying to process and heal – the trauma of being raped at a very young age than it has been about connecting with and being emotionally and physically intimate with another human being.

Me: Absolutely – a sexual experience is much the same for me whether I am alone or whether I am interacting with another person . . . other than, when I’m interacting with another person, I feel the pressure to perform for and to meet the needs of the other person in order to be lovable . . . I don’t have to deal with than when I am alone, masturbating.

Edward: That makes sense.

Me: At some point I would like to explore all of that . . . but I don’t think I’m ready to yet . . . I don’t really feel a need to at this point.

As far as my gender identity . . . I don’t feel like – or identify as – a male, but I don’t particularly feel like a female, either.

It is very hard for me to remember that I have female reproductive organs – I don’t connect with that. I think one reason the abortion had a minimal effect on me was because I could never comprehend that I had those body parts . . . nor could I comprehend that I had the ability to create a baby. I don’t really feel very feminine as far as . . . you know, reproduction . . . I’m totally disconnected from that.

I never learned to feel connected to my breasts because my dad constantly reminded me to cover up and hide my breasts so I wouldn’t cause a man or a boy to sin . . . because, you know, my breasts being obvious could cause a man to think sinful thoughts . . . so, I had to hide everything that was feminine about myself . . . and, since I developed very large breasts at a young age, that was a nearly impossible challenge.

Edward: Nearly impossible, or totally impossible?

Me: (Nodding my head) Yeah . . . totally impossible for me at that age.

So, anyway . . . bottom line . . . I don’t feel transgendered, I feel genderless . . . I feel I don’t really have a gender . . . I have no sexuality, no sexual preference and no gender.

Right now, it isn’t creating a crisis for me. But, it is something we should talk about at some point . . . so, I thought I would give you a heads up on it . . . especially since that time might be coming up fairly soon.

Edward: I appreciate it – it is good to know.

—————

As I was packing up my belongings, we discussed our schedule for the upcoming summer. I have come to the conclusion that Fridays work best for me as my “therapy day” since Friday is the least popular day for piano lessons. That would allow me to have the rest of the day, in most cases, to rest and to process, and to be emotional without the pressure of having to “pull it together” enough to teach.

And, I asked if we could continue with Fridays into the school year . . . Edward said that works fine for him . . . so, I guess that’s the plan!

Quotes 760


Responses

  1. Lots of stuff. I’ll be interested to hear if you process more around these things.

    • Thank you for your support!


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