Posted by: Marie | July 11, 2013

(845) Defining reality – Part 2 of 7

Post #845
[Private journal entry written on Friday, May 11, 2012 – continued from previous post]

—————

Edward: My first question is: How do you feel about the dream? More specifically, as you were reading the email to me, recounting the dream, what feelings came up for you?

Me: It wasn’t a life-changing dream, really . . . it was just a quiet reminder of how we are really spiritual beings in physical form and that there is so much more to the universe than we can see in our day-to-day lives. I found the dream to be very comforting.

Every once in a while, I have dreams that take me to places that feel like real places . . . not places that exist on the planet earth, but places that exist in other dimensions. This dream felt like one of those dreams . . . this place felt like it was a real place.

(191)

Photo by Martin Chen

I’m sure I take my own human experiences and overlay those experiences onto my travels to those other dimensions . . . I’m sure I experience those “dream” places through the filter of my own experiences. But, I think they really are real places, or at least my interpretation of those real places. That’s why I think Barbara is a very real being and that the conversations I have with her in my dreams are very real conversations.

Edward: What was it like to meet Dwayne and to be held by him?

Me: I thought it was interesting that I got such specific information about his name . . . I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with that . . . I mean, I googled “Dwayne” along with variations of the last name that I was able to preserve . . . nothing meaningful came up. So, I don’t know . . .

I guess meeting him wasn’t that big of a deal because I don’t really see it as a real possibility . . . I don’t think the “person” who showed up in the dream is an actual person . . . I think the “person” in the dream is maybe an idealized image of my idea of a soul mate . . . but I don’t think a soul mate actually exists for me.

So, to answer your question . . . it felt very good . . . I felt the feeling that I am always trying to create with the fantasies with which I keep myself entertained at night . . . I felt safe and loved.

Edward: (Thoughtful pause) May I share an observation?

Me: Sure . . .

Edward: I understand you to say that you believe this place – this cave-like place – really exists and that you really traveled to this place . . .

Me: Yes, I do believe that. . .

Edward: I also understand you to say that you believe Barbara is real and that the conversation you had with her was real . . .

Me: Yes . . .

Edward: So, given that, I find it interesting that you discount the reality of Dwayne.

Me: (Laughing a little) You make a very good point . . .

Edward: Tell me more about that.

Me: I’m just not ready to go there – to believe that is a possibility yet.

Edward: You’re not ready to believe that what is a possibility yet?

Me: A romantic relationship – I believe that is never going to happen for me . . . I believe it’s not an option for me . . . that it never is going to be an option for me.

Edward: Do you believe that there are men in the world who are available to love you in the way you want to be loved?

Me: Yes . . . I believe there are men in the world like that.

Edward: What would keep them from showing up in your world and loving you in that way?

Me: (Starting to get frustrated) I don’t know . . . if I knew that, I think I could . . . I don’t know . . . I don’t know what I could do . . . because I don’t think there is anything I can do about this . . .

For whatever reason, the option of being in a committed, healthy romantic relationship is not an option for me – it’s not in the hand I was dealt.

Edward: What are you feeling about that? What is the feeling that is underneath those thoughts?

Me: It’s the “hopeless” thing again. I’m sure it has something to do with that I believe I’m not good enough, not loveable enough. I understand logically that I am good enough and I’m loveable, and I’m working to shift that, but it has not yet shifted, I’m not there yet.

Edward: Where are you at right now with the hopelessness?

Me: Well, ever since the February conversation with the pine tree, which caused a huge shift for me, I haven’t been back in that place of hopelessness except for passing feelings that last for a few minutes or a few hours . . . but that’s not really hopelessness because I know the feeling is going to pass relatively soon. So, really, the hopelessness is showing up significantly and consistently only in this one area.

(There was a long, heavy pause and I started feeling pressure to explain why I am stuck feeling hopeless in this one area . . . my frustration started building . . . when I spoke again, my voice was raised a bit)

Me: It’s the same thing we’ve gone over and over . . . I don’t know the answer, I don’t know how to change it . . . I just know being loved in that way is not an option for me.

Edward: Who told you that?

Me: Well, my dad did.

Edward: How did he tell you that? What words did he use?

Me: He told me that good men love only a certain kind of women . . . he told me no man was going to want to marry me if I was too independent – which I was – or too promiscuous or desperate – which I was . . . I was everything he told me a desirable woman was not.

Edward: So, the only way you could be what a man wants is to denounce who you authentically are.

Me: (Quietly) Yeah.

Edward: (Hand on his heart) Ouch. What an impossible, crushing dilemma. No wonder you feel hopelessness around the possibility of a romantic relationship.

(I nodded my head slightly while focusing on trying to control the anger growing in my gut)

Edward: Is it possible that, as you continue to feel better and as you continue to show up in the world in an authentic and powerful way, you might start feeling hopeful about the Dwayne part of it?

Me: (Angrily) No.

(Edward sat silently and watched me intently)

Me: I’m sorry . . . I didn’t mean for that to come out so harshly . . .

I just think there is no hope for that possibility and I’m tired of talking about it. I don’t see any value in talking about it anymore.

(Still nothing from Edward’s side of the room except silent observation)

Me: Are we ready to go onto the next email?

Edward: Well, I do have some more things I’d like to say around that, but we can go on to the next email . . . we don’t have to talk about it today.

Me: (Trying to sound open-minded) No, go ahead . . . I want to hear what you have to say.

(I’ve learned that, many times, even if I don’t have any more to say, if I will let him continue asking questions, he’ll uncover some insight that I hadn’t thought of before.)

Edward: Do you feel pressured to have hope around the Dwayne part?

Me: Yes, it feels that way to me – I’m feeling pressure to “be there” already.

Edward: Whose voice is telling you that you must change and heal quickly?

Me: My dad’s.

Edward: What does his voice say will be true about you if you don’t change and heal quickly?

Me: That I’m being overly dramatic and malingering . . . and, of course, no man wants a woman who is overly dramatic and who malingers. If I don’t heal as quickly as possible, then I’m actively choosing to stay hopeless.

Edward: Ouch.

(Very long pause)

Edward: Do you think I’m thinking that about you?

Me: I know that you aren’t pushing me, per se, but I do feel this general pressure to hurry up and stop being hopeless.

Edward: I promise you, it is not my intention to pressure you to have hope. You are welcome to show up here in exactly the place you are in . . . whether that be with hope or with no hope. That is the perfectly appropriate place for you to be right now. You are very welcome to be wherever you are with it.

I have no expectation for you to change more or heal more or to show up differently. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.

And, I am deeply sorry if I caused you to feel pressured.

Me: I know that is not your intent . . . it’s easy for me to take what you say as pressure to change and to heal more quickly than I am.

Edward: Do you know that where you are right now in your healing journey is the perfectly appropriate place for you to be . . and there is no hurry for you to be in a different place . . . ??

Me: Yes . . . I had forgotten that, but I’m remembering now.

(After a long pause) But, I still don’t have anything more to say about it.

Edward: Okay . . .

May I reflect back to you what I hear you saying?

Me: Yes.

Edward: I am hearing you say: Right now, I have a defense in place around the possibility of having a “soul mate” type of relationship. It’s a defense I need at this time because the possibility that comes with letting down that defense is too overwhelming for me to consider right now. Therefore, I’m making a conscious choice to keep that defense in place for now and I’m making a conscious choice to not allow hope to create possibility for me in this area at this time. I’m okay with those choices and I don’t really need to discuss it further. When I am ready to let down that defense, I’ll let you know.

Me: (Deep breath) Yes . . . that’s exactly what is going on with me. I hadn’t thought of it that clearly.

Edward: I hadn’t thought of it that clearly, either, until just now. But that’s what I’m hearing you say.

Me: That is exactly what I was saying. Thank you for giving it clarity for me.

Edward: You are very welcome.

So, are you okay with being in that place?

Me: Absolutely, that works well for me.

Edward: Okay, I’m glad.

Me: (Respectful pause) So, do you have anything else to say around that or shall I move onto the next email?

Edward: No, I don’t have anything more.

Me: Okay, then we can move on.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 755


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