Posted by: Marie | April 22, 2013

(835) Misplaced voice and eyeballs

Post #835
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, April 25, 2012]

Note to self: Before putting the digital recorder back into bag/purse, make sure to move the power button to the “lock” position . . .

Yeah . . . earlier this week, as I was standing and conversing with someone from my professional world, I bumped my bag against my leg . . . which caused the “play” button on my digital recorder to be activated . . . which caused my bag to start speaking quite loudly, in my voice, sharing my most intimate journal entries with those around me . . .

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Photo by Martin Chen

You know how – when your phone rings in a very quite moment during a well-attended, very important meeting – it takes forever for you to find your phone in your bag, then it takes even longer for you to find the “vibrate” function on your phone . . . and you know how your hands shake terribly and you drop everything and make a fool of yourself while you are trying to quickly silence the phone because you are horribly embarrassed . . . ??

Well . . . it took me three times longer to find my recorder and get it to shut up . . . it took FOREVER . . .

I’ve come to the conclusion there is no graceful way to save face after one’s bag suddenly starts having a loud conversation with itself about masturbating and binge eating . . .

Yeah . . . that dang “lock” switch is pretty important, I’ve discovered . . . especially if I’m going to continue my habit of capturing therapeutic insights on my recorder . . .

It wouldn’t have been so bad if it had only happened once . . . but, of course . . . it happened twice within as many days . . . broadcasting the same recorded journal entry . . .

Fortunately, it was with two different groups of people . . . although, it might have been better if it had been with the same people both time . . . maybe . . . I’m not sure.

Yeah, I really must remember that dang “lock” switch . . .

—————

Over the past few days, I’ve been having an email exchange with Jeff (my student who is a psychiatrist) that included the following text. He has been a bit absent from my world lately as he is spending most of his “spare” time with his daughter in a hospital in Denver . . . she was born two months premature and is fighting for her life.

Me: I don’t make this offer to too many people . . . but, if you are interested . . . last October, I captured my “life’s story” (as it stood at that point) in a 13-page document. I can email it to you if you are brave enough to read it . . . it’s pretty raw, but I don’t think it’s anything you haven’t heard before . . . I just don’t know if you care to hear more of that type of stuff after hearing so much of it in your practice – but there are some “yahoo!” parts in there, too. Either way, it won’t hurt my feelings . . .

Jeff: Sure, I would check it out. I’m pretty good at having a firewall in my head between thinking like a shrink and just being interested in people’s stories. It sounded like your story is an interesting one. And people’s stories always teach me things.

Me: I’ve attached it . . . I guess the “firewall” thing is helped by the fact I already have a therapist, that I’m already doing so well as a result of working with him, and that I’m not looking to you for professional/clinical input. Thank you for being interested!

After he read it, he wrote:

It’s funny. I read your story one day when I was sitting in the hospital holding [my daughter]. Maybe it’s not that funny, as that’s where I am, mostly, unless I’m at work. But anyway, it seemed weird to be holding my little daughter, who doesn’t even understand language yet, while reading about someone who was flooded with too much too soon.

I love that you broke the kid’s eardrum.

What a perfect response.

—————

This week, I’ve been focusing on planning out the use of my resources over the next year. I really enjoy the planning process and I’m looking forward to all the cool things I’m hoping will occur in the next year.

The planning process gives me hope. I like having hope.

—————

I went to a conscious business group meeting today. We did a group exercise during which the leader demonstrated the power of keeping our attention focused on our own perception of what is happening rather than worrying about how other people are perceiving the experience.

For example, I can keep my attention centered in my body while observing what is happening around me. That is a much more powerful choice than trying to imagine what other people are seeing and feeling and thinking as they interact with me . . . because, when I try to put my eyeballs into their head, I am tempted to try to manipulate what they are thinking and feeling about me by changing my behavior. I am tempted to try to bring their experience of me more in-line with what I want them to think and believe about me.

That is a waste of time and energy . . . it is much more powerful to focus on my own experience and keep my eyeballs in my own head . . . it keeps me more grounded, centered and authentic as I interact with people, which is always a good thing.

Quotes 745


Responses

  1. Re the lock switch, to quote Edward: Ouch! I hate it when things like that happen.

    I so agree that it is better to keep our eyeballs in our own head.

    • It’s a whole new concept for me — the eyeball thing, I mean!


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