Posted by: Marie | April 14, 2013

(833) My unique ways – Part 2 of 2

Post #833
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, April 18, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]


Me: Now . . . here’s something that I find very curious . . .

Edward: And what is that?

Me: Kyle is very good looking . . . and charming, successful and outgoing . . . he gets hit on all the time. Yet, I am not infatuated with him.

I respect him . . . I think he is a neat guy . . . I am fond of him in a platonic way . . . but, I have no feelings of infatuation . . . I don’t feel a sense of connection with him on a spiritual level . . . not at all like I do with Luke.

The good news is that I’m not worried if I’m “sexy” enough for him because I’m not interested in him sexually. That makes it easy to relax around him . . . it is easier to be authentic.


Photo by Martin Chen

Edward: And why is that curious to you?

Me: Well, I don’t know why I would feel pulled so strongly to Luke and not to Kyle. They have similar priorities and mindsets . . . although Luke feels more “evolved” than Kyle . . . maybe that is the difference . . .

I would like to understood the reason for the difference.

Edward: Do you think it is something on their part or something on your part? In other words, are they doing something that causes the difference?

Me: I don’t think it is anything they are doing . . .

I feel pretty self-confident when it comes to non-romantic / non-sexual relationships with men, which is what I have with Kyle. I don’t feel a need to have approval from men with whom I’m not interested sexually or romantically.

However, I don’t feel confident when it comes to the romantic / sexual stuff, which is what I’m hoping for on some level with Luke. I am wishing for someone like Luke to approve of me in that way so I can feel better about myself . . . which, realistically, isn’t going to help things, but, it’s what I wish for . . . it’s what I wish my dad had given me.

So, I think the approval stuff is based on that . . . I pretty much understand how that all plays out . . .

What I’m really unclear about is why I’m interested in the two of them in different ways. I suspect it has to do with what you said in our last session – that Luke has the ability to see me in the way I most desire. I’m guessing my “gut” or my soul, or whatever, knows that Kyle can do that at some levels, but that Luke is capable of doing that at deeper levels.

Edward: That sounds like a reasonable conclusion to me!

(After a respectful pause) Marie, can we go back to something in the last document you read?

Me: The one about what might trigger me?

Edward: Yes . . . can we go back to the last scenario?

Me: The one on being instructed on body movement?

Edward: Yes . . . can you tell me more about why that scenario might be triggering for you?

Me: For a long time, just the thought of working with a personal trainer, male or female . . . just the idea of it . . . would affect me to the point that I would become very emotional – even to the point of weeping – even when I was by myself and just considering the idea. It took a while to get to the point where I could even think of it without crying. Then, it took some more time to the point where I could talk about it with someone I might hire as a trainer without totally disintegrating into an emotional mess. When I talked to Kyle about it, I cried a little bit, but I was still able to have a conversation despite my tears.

I’m concerned that I’m going to be overly emotional while in a training session with Kyle. I might get triggered because of being that close to him, taking direction from him, being in vulnerable positions, having to move my body in the presence of another human . . . the related emotion might come up, take my breath away, and make me cry. The good news is that I think he could handle it.

However, I would rather process the body memories as much as possible here in therapy so that I can focus on fitness stuff with Kyle. I’d like to keep the trauma therapy stuff in therapy.

Edward: The fact that you might become emotional as you are working in close proximity with Kyle is very understandable. Do you think it has something to do with a fear you might lose control and not have a voice with which to assert yourself and regain control?

Me: Ummmm . . . no, I think it more a fear that I’m going to be assaulted again.

Edward: Assaulted in what way . . . what might that look like? What I’m asking is . . . might it be a stranger grabbing you as you walk down the street, or maybe someone you know pinning you down . . . ?? Can you allow your imagination to “go there” and picture what you fear might occur?

Me: (Closing my eyes) Phew . . . um . . . I guess it would be like someone making me do something I don’t want to do . . .

So, it wouldn’t be like someone grabbing me or me trying to fight him off . . .

It would be more like I wouldn’t have the ability to do anything to help myself and to stop what was happening . . . I would be helpless.

Edward: Do you think you would be able to push the person away and tell him to stop?

Me: (Starting to feel anxious and a bit sick to my stomach) No . . . I mean, I physically would be capable of doing that, but I would be too paralyzed to do it.

Edward: Paralyzed by what?

Me: Terror . . .

(Struggling to keep my breath steady) I’m not allowed to use my voice . . . I’m not allowed to fight . . .

Edward: Is he holding you down?

Me: No . . . he is controlling me only with his voice . . . his voice is quiet and low . . . he tells me what position to assume and I have to do it . . .

Edward: Whose voice is it?

Me: Right now . . . this time . . . I’m remembering my dad’s voice . . .

(Opening my eyes) He never grabbed me or threw me around or fought with me physically. He would use his voice to make me go into a submissive position so he could whip me.

There was never an opportunity to fight back physically . . . he never held me down physically . . . he only controlled me with his voice . . . he made me hold myself down, I guess you could say.

I had to submit or the whippings would be even worse. If I showed any sign of not being totally submissive . . . if I held eye contact with him . . . if I took too long to get into the position to be whipped . . . if I dared to say a word in my own defense . . . it would be worse.

I think it was similar with Jerry. I think he knew he could just tell me how to sit and how to move . . . and I complied because that is what I had been taught was my role. I had been taught I had no boundaries and no right to use my voice to say no.

Even in my rape fantasies, the guy doesn’t hold me down. Rather, I submit and assume the position without saying a word.

Edward: So, if Kyle uses his voice to instruct you on how to move into a position . . . especially if he is directing you to move into a more vulnerable-feeling position . . . it reminds you of when your abusers did the same thing to you?

Me: Yes . . .

Edward: And your body still remembers what always happened once you assumed a submissive position?

Me: Yes . . .

I know logically that Kyle is not going to harm me or make me do anything I don’t want to do . . .

Edward: But your body doesn’t know that.

Me: No, it doesn’t.

(After a long pause) I already knew what was underneath that trigger . . . but, I think it is beneficial to process it some more in here, with you. I can feel that some of the stored energy has been released today.

Edward: I’m glad to hear that! I agree . . . it is beneficial to continue processing those memories until they no longer have such a hold on you.

Me: Thank you for creating a space for that.

Edward: You are very welcome!

You have been taking some very brave steps lately . . . that shows me that healing is occurring.

Me: Yes, I agree. It feels to me that my relationship with you is a point of security and reassurance . . . this is my home base, and from this point, I can take steps out into the new and unknown . . . if it gets too scary, I can return to this place.

Edward: Very well said! I love that you feel that way about our relationship and our time together.

Me: Thank you for your role in creating that place for me!

Edward: You are most welcome.

(We sat quietly for a few moments . . . then I changed the subject . . . )

Me: I attended the conscious business group meeting this morning . . .

Edward: How was it?

Me: Educational, as usual . . .

The speaker talked about finding strength and centeredness in our body as we conduct our business . . . how to ground ourselves in either our “woman body space” – if we are a woman – or our “dude space” – if we are a guy. Obviously, the “woman body space” applied to me . . .

Edward: (Tilting his head and smiling a bit) Obviously . . .

Me: She had us close our eyes and find the center of our body’s energy . . . she said that, in guys, it is in the “penis space”, which is low in their pelvis . . . I think that is right . . . I wasn’t really paying too much attention when she was talking to the men.

She said that, for women, it is about where our womb is . . . a bit higher than our pelvis . . .

My first thought was, “Oh, well, I don’t have a womb.”

My second thought was, “Wait, yes I do!”

I had literally forgotten I had a womb. I guess I’m that disconnected from my body . . . especially the feminine aspects of my body.

Anyway, as I sat there and pondered the idea I have a womb, I found myself revolted by the idea.

Edward: Revolted in what way?

Me: I’m not sure . . . I just felt myself energetically trying to separate my womb from the rest of my body . . . to continue denying I even have one . . .

Even now, it is really difficult to imagine a womb inside my body . . . it’s like trying to imagine I have some other foreign objct sitting in there. I really don’t want to have a womb. I don’t even like saying the word.

It’s just weird . . . I don’t remember this ever coming up for me before . . . I’m not sure what to make of it.

Anyway, it’s a new awareness that I thought we might examine at some point.

Edward: I think it is definitely something worthy of our time . . . however, we don’t have time today to get into it . . .

Me: Oh, that’s okay . . . the emotions around it are still pretty raw for me . . . I even had trouble bringing up the topic today. So, it would be nice to have some time to process it on my own before we look at it in here.


With that, we began wrapping up the session . . . said our good-byes . . . and I headed back to my little town.

Quotes 743

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