Posted by: Marie | April 1, 2013

(820) The greater desire – Part 2 of 6

Post #820
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, March 28, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]


Edward: How were you able to find the courage to attend despite all of your inner turmoil?

Me: I knew that I needed to attend for the sake of my own mental health. I knew it would be difficult, but I knew it was an opportunity for a significant shift in my thinking and behavior . . . my desire to heal is greater than my dread of feeling frumpy and unlovable at the party.

I kept telling myself to just grit my teeth and go – I knew that the people who were going to be there would collectively create a space where I could be absorbed into the group and experience being loved for who I am . . . regardless how I looked.

Edward: How did you know that would be the case?

Me: Ummm . . . I had met at least one person – the owner of the art gallery – and knew she is like that . . . and I knew what kind of people showed up at Luke’s book-signing . . . and, I know that Luke is like that, so it makes sense that he would attract people like that . . . I felt it was a safe assumption that the community he has gathered around himself would be a supportive, compassionate community.

I was very anxious up until the time of the party. But, as soon as I got to the party and started talking to people, I found the energy I had hoped for . . . and I was able to relax and enjoy myself.


Photo by Martin Chen

I even danced . . . and when I say I danced . . . I mean, I was able to let loose and really get into it . . .

Edward: Congratulations! It sounds like that was a very freeing experience for you!

Me: Yes, it was . . .

When the fiddler told us to clear the chairs so we could dance, my first thought was that I couldn’t dance because my fat was going to jiggle . . . I couldn’t allow people to see my fat jiggling . . . I couldn’t allow Luke to see my fat jiggling . . .

Then I told myself to get over myself . . . and I danced anyway . . . I really got into it . . . if parts of me jiggled, oh well . . . I decided to enjoy myself regardless.

(Smiling fondly) A couple of sessions ago, I remember saying to you: I really want to hike, I really want to dance . . . I want to do all these different things and I just can’t . . . I haven’t hiked and danced in a long time and I just can’t make myself do it . . . I’m paralyzed by hopelessness . . .

And now, here I am, by golly, telling you that I went hiking . . . and that I danced.

That’s a pretty awesome change. I know I’m speaking quietly about it, but inside I’m whooping and hollering about it . . .

Edward: I am so happy for you . . . that is an awesome change. Well done, Marie.

Me: Thank you . . .

(We sat quietly for a few moments, soaking in the good feelings . . . )

Edward: May I go back to something you said a few minutes ago?

Me: Oh, sure!

Edward: Would I be accurate in saying that you found the people who attended Luke’s part to be supportive and compassionate community?

Me: Yes . . . that’s accurate.

Edward: Would I be accurate in saying that you were not surprised by that because you believed Luke tends to surround himself with a supportive and compassionate community?

Me: Yes . . .

Edward: May I draw from that the conclusion that you believe Luke is, himself, supportive and compassionate?

Me: Yes . . . I do believe that to be true about him.

Edward: On what basis did you form that belief?

Me: I guess from what I have read on his website . . . and by the vibe I get from him . . .

Edward: Does that mean that you think it is possible for him to find you lovable?

Me: Well, sure . . . in a platonic sense. I do feel loveable in that way. But not in a romantic, sexual way. I feel disgusting when it comes to that.

Edward: That sounds like shift to me . . . if I’m remembering correctly, a while back, you were feeling disgusting in all senses . . . including platonic . . . it sounds to me like that has shifted . . .

Me: Yes, I would say there has been a shift in that . . . I’m feeling far less disgusting – more loveable – in platonic situations.

Edward: Congratulations . . . that’s a huge shift.

Me: Thank you . . . yes, it is huge.

(After a thoughtful pause) By the way, I left my folding chair at Luke’s house . . .

Edward: Oh . . . ??

Me: Luke was concerned about not having enough chairs for everyone, so I offered my travel teaching chair that I keep in my car. He took me up on the offer, so I brought it in. Then, I forgot to take it with me when I left.

I hope he doesn’t think I left it there on purpose.

Edward: What would it mean if you did leave it there on purpose?

Me: That I was being desperate . . . that I left it there so I would have a reason to see Luke again . . . but, I didn’t leave it there on purpose . . . I hope he doesn’t think I did.

Edward: (Gently) We can’t control what other people think.

Me: I know . . . I guess there’s nothing I can do about it. And, I guess it doesn’t really matter . . . he’s going to think whatever he is going to think.

I haven’t mentioned it to him yet. I figured if I ever have contact with him in the future, I’ll get it back from him then. It’s not a big deal if I don’t ever get it back . . . it’s pretty inexpensive to replace it.

Anyway . . . I don’t really know what that has to do with the “feeling disgusting” vs. “feeling loveable” stuff . . . I guess I took off on a tangent.

Edward: It is okay if you take off an a tangent . . .

(After a pause) Let me ask you this . . . how much of a role do you think the “feeling disgusting” vs. “feeling loveable” stuff played in the emotional crash related to your weight loss efforts?

Me: I think it played a huge role . . . I think it was the main cause of the crash.

Edward: Can you tell me more about what happened when you crashed? I know what happened on the outside – you bought ice cream and binged, and you didn’t go to the gym – but, what happened on the inside? What you were experiencing emotionally?

Me: I was thinking that, if I could lose that extra weight and go to the party with clear skin, then I would be less disgusting . . . I might be enough “not disgusting” that I might be acceptable.

If I went to the party at my heavier weight and with my face broken out, then I would be obviously disgusting. Luke wasn’t going to like me, no one else was going to like me and I would be an embarrassment. Luke would say, “Who is this gross person at my party?” And he would be sorry that he invited me . . .

So . . . that is where I went in my head.

But, I realized that was my old way of thinking, and even though I was still thinking it and feeling it, I was able to not lose hope – I never got to the place of feeling powerless. It was like: Okay, I saw this coming, I know what happened, I know exactly how I got here, I know I can shift it back, I have the power to shift it back, this is a temporary thing . . .

I never totally collapsed; I just went to an anxious place and then worked my way back.

I stayed in that anxious place until after the party. Then, once the party was over – the next day – I started moving back into that strong space again.

For example, I went to the gym today, which is the first time in quite a while . . . Kyle, the guy I would like to hire as my personal trainer, was there. He was with a client, so he couldn’t talk to me. But, he looked at me with a raised eyebrow – he looked concerned, like he was silently asking how I was doing, if I was okay . . . so, I guess he had noticed I haven’t been around much. I gave him a smile and a “thumbs up” to let him know I was okay.

A month or so ago, I ran into Kyle at the gym and I told him I’m thinking I will be ready to add weight training to my fitness program by May . . . I told him I will probably set up some time with him then. So, I’m working towards that goal. But, right now, I’m working on increasing my endurance.

Edward: I am so pleased with what I’m hearing you say . . . you have come so far in your healing journey.

Me: Thank you.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 730

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