Posted by: Marie | March 31, 2013

(819) The greater desire – Part 1 of 6

Post #819
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, March 28, 2012]

This morning was the big kick-off for the reorganization of our conscious business group. The leaders have distributed the leadership responsibilities to a team of people so that the burden is not carried by just one or two people. I think it is a really smart move!

Also, they took on a meeting format similar to the format used by Toastmasters. People sign up for smaller jobs each week so that it is always different people doing the same tasks . . . one person (the “host”) leads the meeting, another leads the meditative tune-in and tune-out, another person matches up people for coffee dates, another is the time-keeper . . . it gives people who aren’t used to being in front of a group of people a chance to ease into it. And, it allows each person to infuse the “doing” of that particular task with the flavor of his or her own unique personality.


Photo by Martin Chen

I told the leadership team that I couldn’t take on an ongoing responsibility (like being a member of the leadership team), but that I would be happy to do one of the meeting tasks every few weeks since that doesn’t require much preparation.

We had the meeting at a different location this week just to shake things up a bit. The group was double – actually, almost triple – the normal size. It was great to see people I hadn’t seen in a while and to meet people I hadn’t met before . . . I’m still pretty much a “newbie” so there were a lot of people I hadn’t met before.

That was a fun way to start my day . . . and right after that meeting, I headed over to Edward’s office for a therapy session . . .

Edward and I greeted each other and got settled into our respective seats . . .

He asked me how I was doing . . . I responded I was doing well . . .

I asked if he had received and read the email I sent to him . . .

Editorial note: The day after Luke’s party, I sent an email to my mom detailing all the fun I had at the party. Then, I forwarded that same email to Edward so he could have an idea of all that had happened there.

Edward stated that, although he had not responded to it, he had received it and read it . . . he apologized for not acknowledging his receipt of it . . .


Me: Oh, that’s fine . . . I assumed you had received it and at least perused it, so it isn’t a big deal to me that you didn’t actually let me know that you had read it. I assumed that was the case.

Edward: Good . . . I’m not always able to respond to emails in as timely of a way as I would like. I am concerned that my clients might sometimes feel ignored.

Me: I can imagine I might feel that way if I were in crisis, but not in this case . . . it was no big deal in this case.

Edward: I’m glad to hear that.

Would you like to start out today by talking about the email?

Me: Ummm . . . sort of . . . I guess I’d like to start with the email and then go from there.

Edward: Do you want to talk about what you wrote? Or, is there more to the story that you would like to tell me . . . ??

Me: Well, what I’m most interested in today is . . . I would like for you to help me put some language around what I am experiencing. This way of being is new to me and I really don’t have language for it.

Also, I would like to get your feedback on the choices I’m making to see if you think they are healthy choices . . . they feel healthy to me . . . but I think it would be a good idea to bounce all of that off of you.

Edward: Sure! Where would you like to start?

Me: Well, let me bring you up-to-speed on the parts of the story that weren’t in the email . . .


I told him about how I began losing weight and got all excited about the possibility of showing up to the party a smaller size . . . then I got a bit crazy with the idea and tried to get down to an even smaller size . . . which resulted in an emotional “crash” . . .


Me: The whole time I was setting up that weight loss schedule, I had this little voice in my head that was saying: This is dangerous territory; this is not healthy thinking . . .

I kept telling myself I could feel good about myself and stay in this uplifted place . . . and, at the same time, I could lose weight and work on being more attractive physically . . . I thought I was in a strong enough place that I could do both without being triggered . . .

I ignored that wise little voice that was warning me to maintain a more balanced approach . . .

I kept telling myself that I could tough it out until the day of the party . . . it was only two weeks . . . I could tolerate anything for two weeks . . . then, I could relax and take care of my emotional needs more . . . create a more healthy balance . . .

The straw that broke the camel’s back was something very small . . . it was that my weight increased by 0.4 pound from one day to the next . . . and I realized my plan was unrealistic . . . I realized I wasn’t going to lose as much weight as I had hoped . . . and that felt devastating to me, even though 0.4 pounds is really nothing in the big scheme of things . . . I mean . . . my weight could increase that much just because I drank a glass of water . . . (laughing sarcastically) or breathed heavy air . . . I mean, that was nothing!

Edward: (Smiling sympathetically) That’s true . . . just the ebb and flow of your daily normal bodily functions would cause that . . .

Me: But that little thing brought the whole fantasy crashing down . . . the fantasy that I would show up to the party skinny and then Luke would find me desirable . . . that whole fantasy crumbed around me and I collapsed emotionally.

Edward: What did it mean about you – about who you are – that you weren’t going to be able to show up at the party a smaller size?

Me: (Long, deep breath) It meant that I was going to blow the one and only chance I was ever going to have to get Luke to notice me and fall in love with me . . . it meant I wasn’t going to be what my dad said I have to be in order to be loveable . . .

Edward: (Hand on heart) Ouch . . .

Me: Yeah . . . ouch . . .

Once I crashed, I immediately ran to the store and bought two pints of ice cream . . . that kicked off a huge binge that lasted all the way until the day of the party. Other than going to the gym one more time before the party, I pretty much fell into this “why bother” state of mind.

By the time the party rolled around, I had gained back about five pounds . . . that was a couple of days before I started my period, so I was bloated and somewhat more emotional than normal . . . my face always breaks out right before my period and, of course, that’s exactly what it did that week. I was a total mess on the weekend of the party. I really wanted to just curl up under the covers and hide from the world – I didn’t want to deal with attending Luke’s party.

But, I went to the party anyway.

Edward: That was a very courageous step you took . . . to attend the party despite feeling so insecure about your physical appearance. That was incredibly brave of you to do that.

Me: Thank you . . . I know it was a brave thing to do. I’m proud of myself for going.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 729

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