Posted by: Marie | March 27, 2013

(815) Reality check

Post #815
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, March 14, 2012]

Okay . . . time to get real . . .

I have two choices . . . I can continue with the insane thinking and keep trying to become “worthy enough” to earn Luke’s attention . . . or, I can relax and allow who and what I am already to be enough.

I ended up eating two pints of B&J ice cream last night. I was so wound up on sugar and stinkin’ thinkin’ that it took a double dose of melatonin and benedryl to get my brain and body slowed down enough to go to sleep. I didn’t get to sleep until well after midnight. I purposely didn’t turn on my alarm because I figured it would be a good first step of self-care to allow myself to sleep as long as I needed to sleep – I was pretty worn out.

I woke up just before 9:00am . . . that’s about two hours after my normal wake-up time. I guess I needed the sleep. Once I woke up, I could not pull myself together enough to go hiking. I only had a few-hour window to go hiking if I was going to go . . . I knew pretty soon after getting up that a hike was not going to happen . . . and probably not a work-out at the gym, either. My body and brain both felt like I had a hangover . . . like I had gone out for a night of hard drinking. I guess a sugar binge can do that to me since I haven’t binged like that for a while . . .

(164)

Photo by Martin Chen

I found I most wanted to stay home as long as possible (I didn’t have to be to the studio for lessons until 5:00pm) and work on some high-priority projects that were creating extraordinary stress for me . . . the upcoming weekend is going to be absolutely crazy because I have two huge events scheduled – one on Saturday and one on Sunday – and either one of them would require an entire weekend of time and energy to manage . . . and I have both occurring this weekend.

The best thing I can do for myself is stop worrying about losing weight and instead put my time and energy towards getting these tasks completed so I can go into the weekend feeling more organized and on top of things . . .

That would be the sane and healthy thing to do . . . especially since the insane thinking causes me to engage in destructive behaviors . . . it seems my waistline will suffer less if I stop trying to lose weight . . .

It is my hope that someday I will have a normal and healthy relationship with food and physical exercise . . . it is my hope that someday I will be able to establish healthy self-care habits that will allow my excess weight to drop away and that will allow my body to become strong and energetic. But, right now, for whatever lingering psychological reasons, healthy self-care behaviors trigger me and cause me to engage in destructive habits.

It is safe to say that will continue to be the case until I progress further in my healing journey . . . and I’m doing everything I can to help that process along. Until sufficient healing occurs to where I can tolerate being strongly connected with my body, the best thing I can do for myself is to allow myself to be wherever I am in the process without judgment . . . to show myself compassion.

The reason I found myself back in that place of helplessness and hopelessness last night is because I went back to my old ways of thinking . . . thinking that I don’t have value unless I meet some random criteria. Of course I fell back into feeling depressed and wanting to be numb . . . because, under that old way of thinking, I’m not enough.

As long as I eat a certain way and go to the gym only as a means to an end . . . as a way to become “good enough” to be loveable . . . those behaviors will be triggering for me. A shift will come when I eat a certain way because I want to care for and nurture my body . . . when I exercise because it is a natural express of who I am.

I knew I was treading on dangerous ground when I set up the spreadsheet and when I established those extreme goals. I could feel the danger rolling in around me . . . yet, I thought I could beat the odds . . . it would be different this time because I felt strong . . . because I really, really, REALLY wanted to be a bit skinnier for Luke’s party.

I know what happens when I think like that . . . yet, I did it anyway.

So . . . it’s now at the end of this day . . . this sane day . . . I’m relaxing . . . not binging . . . I didn’t go back to my “healthy” eating plan today . . . but, I didn’t gorge and I didn’t binge . . . I ate a moderate mix of healthy and not-so-healthy foods . . . I didn’t bother weighing myself this morning because I knew my weight would be pretty high . . . all the food I gorged on yesterday was still sitting heavily in my gut.

I had a really productive day . . . got some major projects done that really needed to be done . . . I can feel some of the pressure lifting off my shoulders . . .

I think it is safe to say that I have let go of the idea of getting skinnier by Luke’s party. The past few days have been a reminder . . . I had forgotten who I am and I went back to believing “I’m not enough”. The drama reminded me that I need to periodically take a breath and go back to remembering who I am and what it means to express myself fully.

It is clear to me that I’m probably not going to lose any more weight by Luke’s party. So, my intention now is to be okay with that. My being overweight doesn’t take away from who I am and how powerfully I can show up at Luke’s party.

Yup, that’s my new plan.

Quotes 725


Responses

  1. I’m really impressed that you figured this cycle out so quickly, and figured out that it was self-sabotaging. Excellent work!

    • Thank you, David . . . yes, I did an amazing thing here. I was impressed how quickly and easily I was able to step back into that more powerful place.

  2. phew. i am so glad you gave up those unrealistic goals. i think it’s true, that with continued healing you will find yourself eating mindfully. i’m not there yet, myself, but i’m also not binging/starving/dieting… i guess i’m “a work in progress” and that’s okay….

    • Thank you, Catherine. It is amazing . . . now, a year later, I can [cautiously] say I am past the compulsive and destructive eating and “losing weight” behaviors and have settled into a more stable way of caring for my physical needs.

      Like you, I’m still not where I want to be with my daily habits, but I’m no longer dealing with that sense of helplessness that comes with an inability to manage obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. The habitual changes I would like to make seem within reach — and that is huge.

  3. Sounds like a much better plan. I am still not at the stage of having a regular qi gong routine. Which I want to get settled before taking on the food thing – I could eat a lot better than I currently do.

    • It is a slow and steady process, isn’t it!


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