Posted by: Marie | March 26, 2013

(814) Gone with the wind

Post #814
[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, March 13, 2012]

Well, that didn’t take long . . .

I was expecting/hoping to be down to 207.0 pounds this morning. I weighed in at 207.8. In case you missed the significance in that . . . I have gained weight – almost half a pound – in the last 24 hours.

Shit. (No pun intended)

In order to hit my goal weight for the party, I can’t afford to gain weight – I have to keep losing every single day. I tried to talk myself through it . . . it’s no big deal, I still have 11 more days to turn things around, of course it’s normal for there to be fluctuations up and down . . .

But, I couldn’t pull myself through it . . . I’m now in a full-blown tailspin.

I didn’t bother going to the gym today.

I didn’t eat anything until lunchtime, then I went to Taco Bell and ordered the deep-fried chalupas, cinnamon twists and an extra large Coke . . . I tried to tell myself that a high-calorie meal might be exactly what my body needs to be shocked out of starvation mode and that will help me lose more weight in the days following (I read that in a book once) . . . but, I know that is probably not true, at least not in this particular case . . . I didn’t buy that food to shock my body, I bought that food so I could go gorge myself and go numb . . .

(163)

Photo by Martin Chen

I am consumed by this sick feeling . . . the self-destructive thoughts are running rampage in my brain: I’m not going to make my target weight loss, I’m not going to be good enough, I’m not going to get my act together enough to be skinny enough by the party, Luke’s not going to notice me, I’m going to be invisible so why bother going . . .

I hate being back in this place . . . I hate the depression . . . I hate this vicious cycle . . . I hate that I have an eating disorder . . . I hate that I feel helpless and unable to change how I cope with emotional pain . . .

After I taught my last lesson tonight, I wrestled with myself about stopping at the store on the way home to buy ice cream. I feel so bad . . . I so desperately want to go numb with ice cream . . . the painful emotions are incredibly overwhelming . . . so, I made a deal with myself . . .

I will eat a pint of ice cream tonight and I will not allow myself to pass judgment on what that means about me. I will allow myself to be numb tonight so I can get through the worst of the emotional crap. Then, I will get a good night’s sleep and get up in the morning and go hiking. I’ll blow off the business meeting scheduled for the morning (I don’t really want to go to the meeting anyway) and I’ll go hiking instead. That will make up for not going to the gym today and for eating all the crap food.

Yup . . . that’s my plan. That’s the deal I have made with myself.

So, now, I’m curled up under a blanket, watching TV and gorging my gut with ice cream . . . I’m telling myself that tomorrow is a new day . . . today was a crappy day . . . tomorrow is a new day . . . tomorrow I’ll redeem myself . . .

Yup, that’s my plan.

Quotes 724


Responses

  1. This sounds like torture. :-(

    • I couldn’t have said it better myself!

  2. Hope you went for the hike.

    • I’m not sure a hike is the answer . . . (hint, hint)


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