Posted by: Marie | March 23, 2013

(811) The Good Stuff – Part 4 of 4

Post #811
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, March 7, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

—————

Me: So . . . anyway . . . that was one adventure this week . . . and, speaking of adventures with men . . .

Edward: (Laughing) And speaking of adventures with men . . .

Me: I’ve had some subsequent contact with Luke . . .

Edward: The same Luke you were talking about in the audio recordings . . . ??

Me: Yes . . .

By the way . . . at his book-signing, I mentioned to him that I knew you, but he didn’t seem to know who you were . . .

Edward: I really don’t know him at all . . . I think I’ve met him one time very briefly . . . we had a few phone calls back and forth when he was writing the blurb for my book cover . . .

Me: Oh . . . so how did you get him to write the blurb?

(161)

Photo by Martin Chen

Edward: He was a friend of a colleague . . . his writing the blurb was really more of a professional courtesy.

Me: (Laughing) Oh . . . I thought maybe you did know him and that you were just holding back information about him – information like if he is gay or married – because you wanted me to find out information on my own.

Edward: (Laughing) No . . . I really don’t know anything about him on a personal level.

Me: Oh, okay . . .

So . . . anyway . . . I’ve initiated some conversation with him . . . a few emails . . . a phone call . . .

I asked him for the artist information for the music CD he included with the book . . . that caused some of the back and forth . . . then, I decided I really wanted to share my story with him, including how his book and movie were instrumental in my going into the mountains and having the conversation with the pine tree . . .

I wrote out what all I wanted to tell him . . . it turned out to be maybe seven or eight pages long . . . you know how I can be long-winded in my writing . . . I thought my sending it to him might come across as desperate . . . but, I decided to send it anyway because it is the action that felt the most authentic to me . . . it is what I really wanted to do.

Once I sent it, I figured I’d never hear from him, or, at most, I would get a polite brush-off . . . but, instead, he responded by inviting me to a party at his house that is scheduled for a couple of weeks from now.

Edward: (Grinning) Wow! I think that could be classified as a positive response!

Me: No kidding! That’s what I thought, too!

Edward: Are you going to attend?

Me: Yes . . . I think it would be cool to see his house and to meet his friends . . . in his invitation, he said he and his girlfriend are hosting the party . . . (grinning) So, I guess that means he’s not going to be asking me out on a date!

Edward: (Also grinning) No, probably not.

Me: That’s okay with me . . . I feel a pull towards him . . . I really would like a chance to get to know him. I’m not sure why I’m attracted to him so strongly . . . it is an energetic thing . . . it feels like there is an almost spiritual purpose to my getting to know him.

I don’t know if I ever will get a chance to develop a relationship of any kind with him, but I have been inviting him to engage with me in that way . . . and he has been responding at least in a professional way.

Edward: An invitation to a party at his house sounds like a bit more personal than professional . . .

Me: Well, I think it is maybe a mix . . . it sounds like he is inviting people from both worlds.

Edward: Oh, I see . . .

Me: So, he has been responding, although I’m noticing the exchanges seem to be a bit unidirectional, I guess you could say . . .

Edward: I’m not sure I know what you mean . . .

Me: Well, I’ve noticed that the conversations have been about me admiring his work and thanking him for his contribution . . . he’s been polite and given me great customer service, but he hasn’t expressed a desire to get to know me nor has he shown an appreciation for what I uniquely might bring to the table . . .

Edward: I thought he responded rather affirmatively to your sharing your story with him . . .

Me: True . . . he read my story . . . and I appreciate him taking the time to do that . . . but, he didn’t give me any specific feedback other than to say I have quite a story to tell and he thanked me for sharing it. He did respond by inviting me to his house, which is really cool . . . but, it’s not like he asked for a one-on-one conversation with me . . . which is what I really want.

I’m inviting him to engage in a meaningful relationship with me . . . where there is give and take . . . where I am more than just a customer to him. Right now, he is holding me at arm’s length. I understand that he needs to keep “the public” at arm’s length in order to maintain a boundary around his personal life. But, I’m asking him to allow me inside that boundary.

I know the chances that will ever happen are slim to none. But, that is what I am inviting him to do. And, if he accepts that invitation, I would hope the emotional exchange – the emotional vulnerability – would flow both ways. Without that, it wouldn’t be a meaningful relationship . . . at least not meaningful to me.

Edward: It sounds like you have a very realistic and healthy mindset around this . . . I can see that you are bravely putting yourself “out there” . . . you are taking a huge emotional risk in way that seemed impossible to you until just recently. And, you are clear about what is within your control and what is not . . . and you seem to be detached to a healthy extent from the outcome. I am tickled with where you are right now with this!

Me: Thank you . . . I am tickled with it, too . . . and a bit surprised with myself. This feels like a good place to be.

Here’s something weird . . . I have a premonition that his girlfriend is going to be out of the picture by the date of the party . . . it is probably just wishful thinking, but it sure feels like a premonition.

Edward: I guess time will tell . . .

Me: Yes, time will tell . . .

I’m struggling with being okay with the intensity of my feelings for him . . . it was drilled into my head during my teen-age years that I should never let my real feelings show . . . that it is weak and desperate to really like someone . . . that I should always hide it . . .

Edward: Ouch! How painful to not be given the space to show your real feelings towards another human being!

Me: I know . . . and, even now, I intellectually know it is normal and healthy to like someone and want to get to know them . . . but, it is so hard to shift that programming.

(We sat in silence for a few moments with Edward watching me carefully . . . then I had another thought . . . )

Me: It is my understanding that Luke is pretty well-known . . . I’m sure he has people vying for his attention all the time because of his fame – to whatever extent he really is famous . . . but, I’m not attracted to him because of fame . . . I’m attracted to his energy . . . to who I think he is as a person.

Edward: I absolutely get that about you . . . I’ve never had the sense that the “fame” part of it was what was causing you to desire his attention.

Me: Yeah . . . it’s not at all . . . but, I’m sure he has to be careful about that. I’m sure he has to be careful to maintain this public persona . . . I think that would be tough for him, especially since he is an emotionally awake guy . . . it would be tough to always maintain that distance.

Edward: I imagine that is true.

—————

And, with that, we wrapped up the session . . .

It was a pretty low-key session . . . not a lot of new revelations . . . mostly, it was my sharing the good stuff from the last couple of weeks. I really wanted to share the good stuff with Edward . . . he has been right there with me through the worst . . . I really wanted to share the upbeat stuff with him, too.

Yup, that’s what today’s session was about – sharing the good stuff.

Quotes 721


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