Posted by: Marie | March 22, 2013

(810) The Good Stuff – Part 3 of 4

Post #810
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, March 7, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]


Me: Oh . . . and . . . I went for a hike a few days ago. I’ve been wanting to hike . . . and between looking at Luke’s book and his DVD and the conversation with the pine tree, I was highly motivated to go for a hike . . . so, I did. I went for a hike.

Edward: How was that for you?

Me: Oh . . . it was awesome! I’ve missed that connection with nature so much. I feel alive when I’m out hiking . . . it reminds me of the awesomeness of God . . . it reminds me that everything works together perfectly . . . that I just need to relax and allow things to flow into place . . . it’s reassuring.

I’m so glad I went.

Edward: I’m glad, too.

Me: And, I was surprised at how well I was conditioned . . . I made really good time on the hike . . . I didn’t get too winded . . . I guess working out at the gym on a regular basis is helping!

Edward: Good! I’m glad to hear it wasn’t too taxing for you . . . that makes it more enjoyable!

Where did you go?


Photo by Martin Chen

Me: To my usual spot . . . the state park at the reservoir . . .

I have been tracking my hikes with GPS for the last several years and then putting the trails on Google Earth. So, I can plan out my hikes and figure out distance and elevation gain . . . I enjoy messing around with all those numbers!

Edward: That sounds like a lot of fun!

Me: Oh . . . can I change the subject again?

Edward: (Laughing a bit) Sure!

Me: Okay . . .

So . . . I asked a guy out on a date.

Edward: (Humorously feigning shock) Wow! I would like to hear more about that!

Me: (Laughing) I went out for coffee with a group of folks from the church I sometimes attend . . . there’s a guy in the group that is single and I’ve often thought it might be nice to get to know him. He was part of the group that day . . . at one point, he was talking to some of us about some of the stuff he has dealt with in his life. That let me know he has put a great deal of time and energy into becoming more self-aware and into his own healing journey.

I had never had a one-on-one conversation with him . . . but that day, I sent him an email asking to get together sometime. He responded affirmatively and we set up a lunch date for the next day.

It was an interesting conversation . . . he is a sharp guy . . . very knowledgeable about mental health . . . that is his field . . . so, the conversation was interesting. However, there was something “off” about him . . .

As soon as I sat down across the table from him and made eye contact, I was hit very hard with this solid block of energy . . . it was like he had a heavy-duty shield in front of him, blocking my access to his authentic self. It felt like there was a horizontal slit in the shield and he was peeking out through the slit . . . his energy was very guarded . . . his eyes kind of darted back and forth like he was watching for danger . . . a nervous, retracted energy.

(Edward nodded his head like he knew exactly what I was talking about)

Me: It seems that he very carefully chooses which parts of himself he will allow to come out from behind the shield . . . and those parts only show up in a very controlled fashion. However, at one point in the conversation, he shared some very personal information about himself . . . it surprised me that he would trust me to that extent even though he really doesn’t know me.

Edward: It doesn’t surprise me at all that he trusts you that much . . . you are trustworthy . . . that is quickly obvious to the people you meet.

Me: Thank you . . . I have been told that before . . .

So, anyway . . . while it was an engaging conversation, there was no chemistry for me . . . and, I think not for him, as well.

Edward: Well . . . congratulations for taking that brave step to ask him out! I think it is remarkable that you are feeling the freedom to do something so true to your authentic nature!

Me: Thank you . . . I am proud of myself for that . . .

Edward: (After a respectful pause) May I ask you about the “off” feeling you got from him?

Me: Sure . . .

Edward: I have a sense there is more to that story . . that you picked up additional information through your intuition . . . more information than you have shared with me already . . .

However, I don’t want you to feel pressured to tell me anything you don’t feel comfortable telling me . . .

Me: Oh . . . I’m not worried about answering your questions . . . and, you are right . . . there was more that that feeling . . .

I got a gut feeling that he has something going on . . . something secret . . . like, ummm . . . I’m not sure what it is, but I think he does something on a regular basis that is not generally socially acceptable . . . I get the sense that it is something many people would be ashamed of, but he is not really ashamed of it, he just hides it because exposing his secret causes people to reject him socially . . . and he already seems to struggle with being accepted socially . . .

I get the sense that he is not ashamed of it and he does not want to stop doing it . . . that he fully intends to continue it and has arranged his personal life to support it. But, I don’t know what it is . . . maybe it’s cross-dressing or maybe he is bi-sexual . . . maybe he’s into S&M or maybe he’s a swinger . . . maybe he’s a pedophile . . . I just don’t know . . . but there is something going on with him . . . something he protects very carefully.

Edward: Do you think it is something sexual . . . ??

Me: Oh, yes . . . it definitely feels sexual to me . . . I mean, my history of sexual abuse might cause me to read sexual discord in someone when there is none, but I don’t think I’m reading his vibe wrong . . .

Edward: I doubt it . . . you are very intuitive and you read people very well . . . very accurately.

Me: Thank you . . . I do think I’m reading him accurately.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 720

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