Posted by: Marie | March 21, 2013

(809) The Good Stuff – Part 2 of 4

Post #809
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, March 7, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

—————

Edward: (After a respectful pause) Can I check in with you and see where you are with the audio recordings . . . is there something more you wanted to bring up about them?

Me: Oh, no . . . that’s all . . . I just wanted to share them with you.

Edward: Okay . . . I’d like to shift the direction of the conversation a bit . . . but, I don’t want to hurry you into a topic change . . . I want to make sure you are complete with our conversation about your conversation with the pine tree . . .

Me: Yes, I am complete with that . . .

Edward: Okay . . . good . . .

In the recording, you mentioned that you had been able to speak to your dad in a powerful way while in the company of the pine tree . . . if I’m remembering what I heard correctly, you didn’t really describe that experience in the recording . . . you mentioned that it happened but you didn’t really describe it.

Me: Yes . . .

Edward: In the recording, you stated that was a very private experience and you didn’t know if you would ever share with anyone the details around it . . .

(159)

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: Yes . . .

Edward: I’m interested in knowing what you said to your dad . . . but, I don’t want to push you to share something you would prefer to not share with me . . .

Is that something you would be willing to share with me?

Me: Oh, sure! It just felt very private at the time . . . I think because it was shocking to my system that I allowed myself to be that expressive with my body . . . especially while using my voice to speak to my dad like that . . .

But, I’m now far more comfortable with the idea of having done that and it feels like something I could talk about now . . . so, yes . . . I’m willing to share that with you.

Edward: Okay . . . I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable with me in that way.

Me: Sure!

So . . . in response to your question . . . basically, I said to him, over and over . . . and very forcefully . . . using strong language . . . that he had no right to do what he did . . . how dare he avoid facing his own pain by passing it on to his children . . . I told him he should have known better . . . that I believe he did know better and yet chose to not do what was best for his kids. I had anger in my voice . . . I expressed rage with my body . . . I kicked and hit the steering wheel . . . screamed at the top of my lungs . . .

Basically, I did all the things I’ve been wanting to do in the exercises you and I have attempted in session . . . the exercises where I’ve froze up, too terrified to do anything but curl up in terror.

Edward: Wow . . . that was very incredibly courageous of you! Well done, Marie . . . well done . . .

Me: Thank you . . .

Edward: How did it feel to no longer be paralyzed with terror . . . to be able to use your voice and body in such a powerful way?

Me: (Suddenly becoming emotional again) I guess the word you used is as appropriate as anything I’m coming up with . . . it felt powerful . . . like I didn’t have to be that terrified little girl anymore.

(After a pause) I keep wondering about my siblings . . . I wonder if they deal with the same kind of terror and paralysis . . . they don’t ever talk about it, but I wonder if they do.

Edward: I would imagine there is a good chance of that.

(I nodded my head)

Edward: Are any of your siblings in therapy?

Me: No . . . at least, not that I know of . . . one sister went to therapy for depression many years ago, but I think all that she did about it was take anti-depressants . . . I didn’t get the impression that she actually participated in trauma therapy.

Edward: So, you are the only one of your siblings who is actively in the process of healing from the abuse from your parents?

Me: I believe so.

I wonder why . . . I wonder why I’m the only one who got into trauma therapy. I wonder what caused me to go that direction when none of my siblings did so.

Edward: Obviously, I don’t know why your siblings made the choices they have made, but I suspect that your pain was more debilitating and devastating to you than the pain of your siblings is to them.

Me: Why would it have affected me more than it affected them?

Edward: I suspect the sexual abuse you experienced multiplied the affects of physical and psychological abuse from your parents . . . your siblings may not have had to deal with that additional pain. Therefore, their pain may not be as intolerable as your pain was for you. Because your pain became intolerable, you were motivated to reach out for help . . . you had to reach out for help in order to survive.

Me: And, my siblings may have reached out for help at points in their life . . . I just don’t think they received trauma therapy, per se. If they did receive counseling, it probably was more CBT-based and religious “just give it over to God because He can heal anything” type therapy . . . and that kind of therapy would not be helpful for me . . . I have my doubts that it would make a difference for them in dealing with the aftereffects of the abuse we have in common.

Anyway . . . I guess that doesn’t really make a difference to my journey . . . they have to travel their own journeys . . . find their own ways . . .

(Thoughtful pause)

Me: By the way . . . how about a change of subject, if that is okay . . . ??

Edward: Sure!

Me: I haven’t been binging at all in the last two weeks . . . since the conversation with the pine tree.

Edward: Oh, really? Tell me about that!

Me: Yeah . . . I’m not white-knuckling it or anything like that . . . I’ve just lost interest in it. I’ve been more interested in doing fun stuff . . . uplifting stuff . . . productive stuff . . .

I usually binge at night, as I’m trying to shut down my mind so I can go to sleep . . . I’ve been so excited about what all is happening that I feel good all the way until I fall asleep . . . well, I don’t mean I stop feeling good when I go to sleep . . . you know what I mean!

Edward: (Laughing a bit) Yes, I do know what you mean!

It doesn’t surprise me that you have lost interest in binging . . . the purpose of the binging was to push down painful feelings. You have been allowing those painful emotions to come out and be expressed . . . your dealing with painful memories . . . if you are letting all that come out, there is no need to push emotions down . . . and no reason to binge.

Me: Yeah . . . good point!

So . . . that’s a good thing . . . I’ve even lost a few pounds because of it. It’s amazing . . . if you don’t eat 1350 calories of B&J ice cream every night before going to bed, it is much easier to lose weight!

Edward: (With a grin) Yes, I can imagine that is the case!

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 719


Responses

  1. Cool about the bingeing. That’s quite a breakthrough.

    • Thank you, Evan!


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