Posted by: Marie | March 16, 2013

(807) Grinning from ear to ear

Post #807
[Private journal entry written on Sunday, March 4, 2012]

I had a busy day today and didn’t get to check my email until the evening. When I opened my inbox, I found two emails from Luke in response to the “here’s my life story” email I sent him four days ago . . .

I hadn’t been holding my breath too much since I sent that email . . . I just sort of assumed that my sending it would cause him to push me away. I didn’t really expect to hear from him again . . . or, if I did hear from him, it would be a brief but polite brush-off. So, I had started letting go of the possibility of connecting with Luke on any level . . .

I opened Luke’s first email, which had been sent late last night:

Hi Marie,

Thanks so much for your email… WOW!

Quite a story…thanks for sharing…

More later.

Peace,
Luke

The second email had been sent this morning:

Hey Marie,

I just read (for the second time) your letter/email (the first time I kinda skimmed through it knowing I had to sit down and give it a second go…)

Thanks for sharing all this with me… WOW (again). What a ride you have had.

Keep trusting the Universe, it has your best interest in mind.

My girlfriend and I are hosting a potluck and Irish Music House Concert on March 24th. Enclosed is the invitation… come on down if you can…

I think Sandy [the art gallery owner] is coming too.

Peace and best wishes,
Luke

Oh, wow . . . now that’s interesting development!

I really appreciate that he read my entire story, and that he responded with kind words . . .

And, it was thoughtful of him to invite me to this potluck and concert . . .

My first impression is that he was inviting me to some big, very public event . . . something like the book-signing, where he will be mobbed all evening by people vying for his attention. It felt like a token bone-toss . . . something designed to cause me to feel included but to still not allow me to get too close to him personally . . .

I want to get to know him, to connect with him . . . but, that is not going to happen when I have to compete for his attention. I’m not interested in that.

I started crafting a polite “thank you, but no” RSVP email . . . then, something prompted me to look at the invitation (it was in a separate, attached document). That’s when I noticed the event is actually to be held in his home.

157)  Title Unknown

Photo by Martin Chen

My first thought was: If he’s inviting to his home, I guess I’m not coming across as a desperate stalker, LOL!

My second thought was: Okay . . . that changes things . . . it still will be a mob scene, but I will get to see his home and to meet his friends . . . and that would allow me to get to know a little more about him. For some reason, that feels more personal and more inline with what I’m hoping will happen . . .

I decided I would accept his invitation . . . and, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how special it is to be invited to his home. I’m sure he has to be careful, at least to some extent, whom he invites into his personal space. I’m realizing it is a pretty cool thing to be invited into his home . . .

And, while I knew he lives in the Boulder area, which is fairly close to me, I learned from his invitation that he lives on the side of Boulder closest to me . . . it is only a 45-minute drive to his house from my little town. So, that is very do-able.

His mentioning his girlfriend is interesting . . . I guess that gives me a bit more information about his “availability” (that he is not) . . . but, the fact he has a girlfriend just means he won’t be interested in me romantically. Despite that, maybe this event will create an opening for us to build a friendship (with me being more than just a consumer of his products) . . . and, down the road . . . maybe if the relationship with this girlfriend is not very serious . . . maybe he will be “on the market” later . . . , after I’m skinny . . . maybe then I’ll have an “in” with him because I’ll already have established a friendship with him . . .

And if the romantic stuff doesn’t happen, I still think a deeper friendship would be awesome . . . it would be worthwhile to establish that with him, even if that is all it ever becomes . . .

For what it is worth, I’m feeling a premonition that his current girlfriend won’t be his girlfriend for long . . . that she will be out of the picture by the party . . . it feels like a premonition . . . however, it has been my experience that such “knowledge” that shows up looking like a premonition and that also serves my personal agenda is usually not a true premonition . . . it usually turns out to simply be wishful thinking.

Somehow, I think that is the case with this premonition . . . I’m afraid it’s only wishful thinking . . . not that I’m wishing for unhappy things to happen to their relationship . . . but, if it is doomed to end soon anyway . . . I’m just saying . . .

Anyway, after some thought, I crafted and sent a response . . . again, I debated about keeping it simple or letting a bit more of my personality show through . . . I decided to go with the option that feels more authentic to me – the latter option. Here’s what I sent to him as an RSVP:

——————–

Hi, Luke –

I’ve been off-line most of this weekend (delayed my hike until Sat, had a full day of teaching today), so it was a very nice surprise to log into my mailbox this evening and find two emails from you.

On Wednesday, before I sent you that verbose email, I had a conversation with myself:

“I wish I knew better how to create a context in which it would be okay for me to say what I’d really like to say to Luke.”

“What do you want to say?”

“I want to tell him about how his book and video impacted me. But, it’s not something I can just launch into with someone I don’t know.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not socially acceptable to share that much information right off the bat . . . I should create some kind of relationship with him first, even if it’s just an email conversation.”

“How’s that going?”

“Not well – he’s as responsive as one could expect, given the fact he doesn’t know me. But, I feel I’m forcing something that doesn’t feel ‘real’ to me. I feel like I’m trying to manipulate a situation to fit a certain mould. It feels awkward and fake to me . . . I hate trying to do the socially correct thing. I wish I could just say what I want to say.”

“What would happen if you did that – just said what you want to say?”

“Then I would look desperate . . . like a stalker . . . he would turn and run and never communicate with me again.”

“Really? How do you know?”

“Because that is what always happens.”

“What if that is not true? What if he responds affirmatively?”

“That won’t happen.”

“But what if it did? Is it worth a try? Are you willing to let go of the fear and do the ridiculous? Or, would you rather keep trying something that feels fake and heavy?”

“I’d rather do what feels natural to me. I’d rather just say what I want to say and not worry about behaving in a socially acceptable manner. But, I’m afraid I’ll just ruin any chance I have of him valuing what I have to say if I share that much information so quickly.”

“Do you think doing what feels heavy and awkward – trying to manipulate his responses – is going to have a better result?”

“Well no.”

“Then you have nothing to lose.”

“True. Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll write it, send it, and let his response be okay with me, whatever it is . . . even if he never responds, I can still know I did what feels most authentic to me. I think doing what feels most authentic is more important than receiving an affirmative response. It’s more about being real than it is about getting affirmative responses from people.”

And so . . . I sent it and just let go of my attachment to your response. I was very surprised when you responded the way you did. I appreciate your taking the time to read my very long email/letter. I’m grinning from ear to ear . . . it feels good to have you respond in a way that causes me to feel seen and heard. I’m surprised and tickled.

And . . . what an honor . . . to be invited to your potluck and concert! Please put me down for a “yes” for dinner and the concert. I’ll bring some whole grain bread and honey butter. It sounds like it will be a blast!

Okay . . . I’ll see you in a few weeks . . . thanks, again!

– Marie

Quotes 717


Responses

  1. I love the proliferation of wonderfulness in these last posts…so diligently worked-for, so bravely sought, so richly deserved.

    • Thank you, David . . . it was a fulfilling to experience all that positive feedback!!!!

  2. Hope the potluck went well.

    • Thank you, Evan!

  3. I love this too, you are an inspiration, All the times I hide behind want to hide how needy I feel and then not having the conversation I want to have. Thanks for sharing this and I want to try and follow your example, best wishes, Marie

    • Thank you, Marie, for recognizing what I was able to do here . . . it was scary but wonderful!!


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