Posted by: Marie | March 12, 2013

(803) Showing the real me – Part 1 of 3

Post #803
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, February 29, 2012 around midnight]

All day, I’ve been feeling a strong desire to share more of my story – of myself – with Luke. My desire to connect with him is very strong.

I kept trying to figure out how I could take the communication we’ve already had and turn it into an opportunity for a meaningful conversation . . .

I could keep sending a bunch of little emails designed to take care of little bits of business until he finally asks for an opportunity for the two of us to sit down and talk. But, that would likely become incredibly annoying for him before he would be motivated to take that step – I think that would be “desperate” behavior.

So, I decided to be my own therapist – to channel Edward, in a way . . . I asked myself what I would do if I didn’t have to be concerned about how Luke might interpret my behavior . . . if I didn’t have to worry about how my behavior will affect Luke’s thinking and feeling . . .

In other words, how would I behave if I allowed my authentic self to show up in full force and didn’t worry about the consequences?

Well, the answer is that I would share my story with Luke . . . I would write it down and email it to him.

153)  Title Unknown

Photo by Martin Chen

I wondered if I am brave enough to do that . . . then I decided I am. I’m still under the influence of the conversation with the pine tree . . . my hope is high . . . I’m feeling that anything is possible . . .

So, I sat down and started typing . . . and typing and typing . . .

After several hours – as midnight was approaching – I finally finished documenting everything I wanted to say to Luke. Then, I created an email, put his address in the “to” field, pasted the text into the body of the email . . .

And, I hit send.

So . . . there. It’s done. For better or for worse, it’s done. And, I feel good about how I honored my authentic expression by writing and sending it.

Luke will respond however he responds. I’m becoming very aware that this “thing” – my persistent interest in creating a connection with him – is way more about me and my healing journey than it is about him. It just so happens that there is something about him that inspires me to behave and think in ways I’ve never been confident enough to do before.

Anyway . . . here is what I sent to him:

—————

Hi, Luke –

It’s me. Again.

I’ve had a particularly empowered, daring and playful day today. I’ve spent the day doing the “impossible” and the “ridiculous” and it has been a freeing and life-restoring experience. So, in keeping with that spirit, I’m going to perform yet another “ridiculous” act before I go to bed tonight.

I’m going to write a letter to you and say what I really want to say. It’s either that or drive both of us crazy with my sending you a multitude of emails trying to create the “appropriate” opportunity to say what I want to say.

To be respectful of your time, I’ll let you know there is nothing urgent about this letter. I do want you to read it, but you do not need to be in a hurry to read it. Maybe you could save it for a time when you need some words of encouragement.

Anyway . . . back to the crux of my letter . . .

I want to tell you how your book – and even more so, your DVD – has impacted me.
To give you a better understanding of that impact, let me share a bit of what brought me to this point in my life . . .

I grew up in a “good” Christian home in small-town USA . . . a home where strict order was maintained through terror and physical abuse – and through threats of being disowned by family and by God. I tried very hard to be a good Christian, at least until college. Then, some stuff happened that opened my eyes to the ugly side of organized religion.

I started asking questions. My questions were not well received and I was basically chased out of the church for being blasphemous.

That was fine with me because, by that time, I had come to the conclusion that organized religion, including Christianity, was usually more about power and control than about God. I realized God was bigger than Christianity.

For ten years, I believed I was pretty much the only person in the world who believed all spiritual paths lead to God. I started feeling my way to God . . . using my gut instinct instead of listening to what others told me I should believe. It was a very lonely – and often self-destructive – journey.

Then, I arrived in Boulder County (near your neighborhood). I met a guy and we got married within 10 months of meeting. Six weeks after the wedding, I kicked him out. That’s when I first became aware that what I thought was “normal” behavior in men was actually abusive behavior. What a shocker! It was the first time the possibility entered my mind that I might not have to put up with being treated that way.

Oh, and about that time, I stumbled into this breath-taking Boulder-esque community of “new age” and “new thought” and tolerance and holistic healing (I had to look up that word!) and nature lovers and gentle-spirited people . . . wow! I found people who believed similarly about God – and about how the body works in concert with nature, and I found people who understood the “sixth sense” I’ve had all my life . . .

Not only did I find a few people, I actually found thousands and thousands of them! After a decade of feeling like I was “the only one”, it felt like I had come home . . . like I had found “my people”.

I settled into my life in the Boulder area. I was in my early 30’s and was riding high on the hog. I had a great job, a nice house, money to spare . . . I knew that all I had left to do in order for my life to be perfect was to “get my act together” in my personal life. I still had self-destructive habits that I just could not get under control . . . if I could just be tougher on myself . . . but at least I was feeling more connected with God!

Then . . . all that good stuff disappeared almost overnight. Within two years, I was bankrupt. If it weren’t for the goodness of friends and family allowing me to camp out in their basements, I would have been homeless. I couldn’t buy a job . . . I went without income for 20 months.

I spent many dark, dark nights curled up in a blanket, sitting on the floor of the various basements, talking myself through staying alive for ten more minutes . . . just the next ten minutes . . .

I didn’t tell anyone how dark those nights were – why burden them with that information when they couldn’t do anything to help?

Finally . . . a few minimum wage jobs . . . a few bucks in my pocket . . . I started digging myself out of the hole. I put together a plan for how I was going to get back to where I had been – back to when I was riding high on the hog. But, instead of working my plan, I struggled everyday to simply get out of bed. Instead, I prayed to not wake up. I knew I was in serious trouble and that I needed help.

In 2008, I had settled into a fairly decent job that paid more than minimum wage. I got my own place to live (well, a bedroom suite in someone’s basement, but I was paying for it with my own income!) And, I found a therapist.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 713


Responses

  1. Hi Marie, I’m hoping you are clear by now what it was that Luke inspired in you.

    • That seems to be an on-going process . . . learning what in other people inspires me, I mean . . .

      • I do think so. It sure is for me.


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