Posted by: Marie | March 8, 2013

(799) Conversation with a pine tree – Part 5 of 5

Post #799
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, February 22, 2012 – continued from previous post]

That got me to thinking in a new direction . . .

What would it mean for me to be fully expressed? What is keeping me from being fully expressed right now?

I guess it is the weight of the future. If I take away the weight of the future, and I only have today . . . it then becomes only about listening to my body . . . identifying when “this feels good” and when “this does not feel good”.

It becomes about being aware that “this is in alignment with who I am” and “this is not in alignment with who I am.”

It doesn’t have to be that I have it all figured out who I am and what I’m about; but rather, it can simply be a sense of “this is consistent with who I am” and “this is not”. I don’t really need some magic mantra that defines who I am.

My dad taught me that it is responsible and mature to invest in whom I’m going to become in the future, and that it is irresponsible and silly to take time in the now to allow myself to experience pleasure and to be fully expressed.

He was wrong.

What he taught me is totally wrong. It takes courage to take time out for self-care, and to make taking care of my emotional needs a priority. It is responsible of me to put as my top priority making space for the authentic and full expression of who I am. I really have no other purpose. So, investing in the future “me” . . . that’s a waste of my time.

149)  Title Unknown

Photo by Martin Chen

It takes courage to allow the full expression of myself right now, today . . . and it feels good.

Everything else will wait. It will just wait. My to-do list is not going anywhere. And this way of operating is good, and it feels good. And it is responsible and healthy to listen what feels good to my soul and to follow that lead instead of following whatever voices from my past are haunting my brain.

What I’m feeling right now, as I look at the nature all around me, is that the trees are here in fellowship with each other. They aren’t controlling each other; they aren’t judging each other. They’re just together in fellowship. And I want that.

I think . . . no, I know . . . I know I would like that kind of relationship with a man . . . and I think Luke could be the type of person who is available for that kind of relationship – a connected relationship. I’m interested in investigating that possibility with him. I’m in the process, through my emails, of inviting him into that space.

I don’t know if he will accept the invitation. I’d be tickled if he does; I’m interested to see what could happen there. But, if he doesn’t, that’s okay, too.

I have hope. I have hope that I could have a really cool relationship with Luke – at least an emotional relationship and possibility a romantic and sexual relationship . . . I have hope for that.

At the same time, my dad’s voice keeps popping up . . . he keeps telling me that it is silly and immature to have hope in relation to another person because other people will always disappoint. His voice keeps telling me that I should never invest my emotions in hoping – I should never invest too much hope in a relationship with somebody because then, when it doesn’t happen like I want it to happen, I’ll be devastated.

Well, screw that, Dad. You were wrong. It is not immature. In fact, it is mature and it takes courage to have hope. I’m not being silly. I like this guy and I have hope that I will have a relationship with him. And if I don’t, I have hope that I’ll have a relationship with someone else who would be an even better fit.

In the past couple of months, the tension inside of me – the unrelenting absence of hope – has been building and building. Inside of me, it feels like there are two giant tectonic plates pushing up against each other . . . tension, tension, tension . . .

I hadn’t been able to figure a way to make the shift occur that would relieve that tension. I think I was very ready for that shift . . . and I think that my encounter with Luke facilitated that shift. He and his book came along at a moment I really needed the kind of support.

Anyway . . . okay . . . I think that is about it. I think I’ll go back down the mountain now.

Bye.

I started the engine of my car and started the trip back down the canyon . . .

As I resumed my “normal” daily life, I had a strong sense that a major shift had occurred. I was aware that I went up the mountain my “usual” person and came down a changed person.

Later in the day, I had an email exchange with Edward:

Hi, Edward –

So . . . are you hanging onto your hat today, LOL?? The wind has been quite persistent, but at least the warmth is nice!

Anyway . . . I carry around a little digital recorder with me so that, whenever something happens or whenever I gain some insight related to my healing journey, I can capture my thoughts about it even though I’m not near my computer (like when I’m driving). Then, I transcribe the recording and turn it into a journal entry.

This morning, I had a therapy session with a pine tree. I wish you could have been there . . .

I figured I’d do the next best thing . . . I’m sending you the audio recordings I made as things were unfolding. If you don’t care to take the time to listen to them before the session (there are four files for a total run time of 31 minutes), maybe we can listen to them together at my next session.

By the way, can you open .wma files? If not, I can convert them to most any format.

Thank you!

– Marie

———————–

Dear Marie,

I look forward to receiving your files, and listening to your therapy session with a pine tree. Sounds like a wonderful experience, and I appreciate you sharing it with me.

My mac is always happier with mp3 files, and often doesn’t know what to do with wma. So, if conversion is an option, my mac would be a happier listener.

Also, my wife has been ill, and currently my daughter is ill, so we’re a little tired and backlogged at home – I’ll do my best to get to these files, but I wanted you to have a heads up that my family’s health issues may get in the way of my good intentions.

Warmly,
Edward

———————–

Hi, Edward –

Of course, I understand about the care of your family being your higher priority . . . there’s nothing in the files that won’t be there later. No hurry . . . it may be a good thing to listen to them together, anyway . . . whatever comes to pass is fine.

I’ll convert and resend the files I’ve already sent . . . thanks!

– Marie

Pine Tree audio file #1
Pine Tree audio file #2
Pine Tree audio file #3
Pine Tree audio file #4

———————–

Dear Marie,

Thanks for the converted files. I can see them popping up in my inbox as I write this.

I’m hoping to find time to listen in on this significant experience.

Warmly,
Edward

Quotes 709


Responses

  1. That’s was a great session with that pine tree.

  2. It was life-changing!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: