Posted by: Marie | February 28, 2013

(791) Trying to be not too obvious – Part 4 of 4

Post #791
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, February 16, 2012 – continued from previous post]

I woke up at 4am this morning with my mind whirling . . .

I turned on my digital recorder and captured my wildly oscillating thoughts:

During his presentation, Luke stated that he considers Fianna a good friend. If she is that important to him despite all her issues, maybe there is room for me in his mind and heart despite all my issues. I don’t know . . . it is so stupid of me to be thinking this way . . . I’m playing that dumb fantasy in my head that he will be my knight in shining armor . . . that he saw me at the book-signing and noticed something intriguing in me and he is going to go back and read my email and check out my website and my music and then contact me and we will fall in love . . .

Well, just fuck that fantasy, Marie . . . why go there? Why do I do that? Why do I allow myself to go there?

I was able to psyche myself up for the book signing and to have a little hope for the impossible . . . I was on a high . . . and I was feeling pretty good after the book-signing because, even though it didn’t unfold as I had fantasized, there is still the possibility that he might reach out to me in the days following . . . I stayed in that fantasy space until I fell asleep . . . and now, it is 4 o’clock in the morning. I’ve woken up from the sleep and I’ve crashed emotionally. Realistically, I know he will never reach out to me. Reality is hitting hard. I don’t want to think . . . I don’t want to feel . . . I hate this.

I guess why the hope got cranked back up last night is because of Fianna being identified as someone who is important to Luke . . . and she has so many psychological issues . . . I don’t know the nature of their relationship while they were on the trip, and I don’t know the nature of their relationship now. Did they ever date, were they close friends, was it purely professional? I know she is married now, but they could have dated before. Her problems have been around a long time, yet she is important to him. It’s not that I want to tear down Fianna – I don’t want to . . . I just am trying to figure out if someone like Luke could ever be interested in someone like me.

Maybe he could be impressed with the battles I have and am fighting . . . don’t people get credit for being so brave and continuing to fight such ugly battles? Doesn’t that make me attractive in some way?

Luke talks so much about the value and importance of being healthy – which I am not – but he also talks about the value of the healing journey . . . which I am embracing fully. Does that count? Or, do I first have to have finished my healing journey and have arrived at the point of being healthy on all levels before I’m worthy of being in a partnership with someone like Luke?

I’m sure Luke would want to be with someone who really “gets” the mind-body-soul connection he so passionately advocates. Guess what??!?!? I get it! I totally, absolutely get it! I’m fighting with every fiber of my being to build that connection. But, I’m at a disadvantage because I started from a place of being totally disconnected from my body . . . I had to disconnect from my body as a child as means of survival . . . the difficulty of the process of moving back into my body is compounded by the fact I’ve been disconnected from my body my entire life. I’m learning to reside in my body for the first time in my life. Don’t I get credit for that? Don’t I get more credit for the progress I’ve made towards building that mind-body-soul connection than someone who has had the luxury of being connected with her body for her entire life? Or, do I have to overcome that obstacle, too, before I can be considered attractive?

What if I never get there? Does that mean my options are to be alone or to be with someone who is not “enlightened” and attuned and gentle and kind? I realize I don’t know Luke and he might not be all those things, but it seems he is. Maybe he isn’t as “together” as he seems . . . either way, he for sure is not going to want to be partnered with someone who obviously doesn’t have her act together . . . someone like me who is fat and frumpy and depressed.

By the way, I do understand that this diatribe is not really about Luke, it is about what he represents to me.

If he would invest in a friendship with someone like Fianna, with all of her problems, maybe there is hope for me. I mean, I have lots of problems, too, but I do a better job of keeping them hidden than she does, I think. At least, I can keep them hidden until someone gets to know me better, then my issues come to light. But, right now, Luke doesn’t know about them yet. Maybe there is a chance that there is room for me and all my problems in his life – maybe as a friend . . . then maybe he would fall in love with me and then I could be more than a friend . . . then there might be space for me to fight those battles and still be loveable . . .

Maybe I would still be loveable even if I never get any healthier than I am right now . . . but, I don’t think so. I don’t think any man would want to invest in me. Men are willing to associate with me at arm’s length . . . but not up close and personal . . . no body wants to touch this mess.

After spewing and crying and moping around for a while, I finally fell back asleep around 7am and slept for a couple of hours more. I felt a bit better when I woke up the second time, but I was still feeling very raw emotionally.

143) Title Unknown

Photo by Martin Chen

Edward left a voicemail for me in the afternoon to let me know he had been thinking about me and was wondering how I was feeling. I left him a return voicemail saying that I was feeling raw and was still struggling to pull myself together, but that I would be okay after some time passed and after I was able to process some of what all had come up for me yesterday.

By the afternoon, some of the hopeful feeling around a possible connection with Luke had returned. I still have hope that he somehow was impressed with me at the book-signing and will look at my website, find the link to my music, listen, like my music enough to contact me again . . . then, he’ll get to know me and will be able to look past my disgusting-ness and will fall in love with me.

I can’t help myself . . . I want to not do this – to have hope – but, I can’t stop it.

So, I again formed a truce with my runaway fantasies by choosing to allow myself to do what I find myself really wanting to do – and by not passing judgment on myself for it – and by giving myself credit for holding space for hope. I again reached out for connection by sending an email to Luke . . . and I again included a link to my website in my salutation:

Hi, Luke –

I really enjoyed my time at your book signing last night. It was most interesting to hear about how you made the film and the book.

I am very excited about the connection I made with Fianna and Lynda. It sounds like they may play a piece or two at my spring recitals in April. It is always a treat to have local artists – especially those who play unusual instruments – perform for my students and their families.

I’ve been listening to the music CD you included with the book and am enjoying it immensely . . . it is sure to become one of my favorites! My mom and I are getting together this weekend to watch the DVD and to “oooo” and “ahhh” over the book. I’ve only allowed myself a quick “thumb through” of the book because I very much want to go through it the first time with my mom. We will take our time and really appreciate the beauty you’ve captured. I really appreciate your sharing your gift with the world and calling our attention to the tremendous value of nature and the earth.

Thank you so much for the special handling of my purchase . . . it was customer service at its best!

– Marie Smith
[business phone number]
[business website link]

Quotes 701

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