Posted by: Marie | February 25, 2013

(788) Trying to be not too obvious – Part 1 of 4

Post #788
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, February 16, 2012]

Phew. I feel like I’ve done at least a few days’ worth of living and feeling in the past 24 hours. It’s been a wild rollercoaster ride.

I had a pretty full schedule yesterday. After the session, and after getting the viola string replaced, I thought I would have a few hours to re-cooperate before jumping into what promised to be a very busy evening. But, my to-do list kept me on the move during most of those few hours. I didn’t get much opportunity to sit and process what all had happened in the session.

In the little bit of time I could carve out for processing, I binged on ice cream (because I was overwhelmed by the hopelessness) while capturing some reflective thoughts on my digital recorder:

This sucks. I’m pissed – really, really pissed, and disgusted. I don’t know. I hate where we are in therapy. I hate where I am in this process, but I don’t know any other way. So, I feel trapped by this.

I think this process is so aggravating for me because every time I go to therapy, we come up against this same hopelessness. We end every session talking about hopelessness. It doesn’t seem to get better; I don’t see a way around it. That’s what’s frustrating to me. We’ve cleared a path all the way to this granite wall and now we can’t break through this granite wall. I’m just spinning my wheels trying to break through and I don’t think it’s going to happen.

I’m just kind of done with it. I’m very aware that it is not Edward’s fault. I blame it on my brokenness, on my inability to be whole, on my inability to be fixed. It’s my fault, not his. If I weren’t so broken, I might have a shot at feeling whole and feeling good and at not feeling desperate and broken and disgusting. But, I think this is what life is going to be for me. It is never going to be any better.

I feel bad for Edward . . . I must be such an impossible client. I honestly don’t know how to change my hopelessness – how to be different . . . how to find my way through this. I don’t know how to do what he needs me to do in order for me to be helped. I think this therapy thing is not going to work. I think I’m as fixed as I’m ever going to be. I think this is it – I think this is the end of my healing progress.

I think part of my frustration is that I don’t know what to do with the hopelessness. I mean, If I had someone or something I could be angry toward – I mean, if I were actually capable of being angry with someone or something, there might be hope for my healing. But, I seem to not have the ability to be angry with the people who perpetrated the trauma that caused the damage – which would be X – whoops, I mean, Jerry – and my dad and my mom. I seem to be totally incapable of being angry with them. So, I have no idea how to wrestle with this. I have no idea how to get the first hold/grip to do battle with it. The only anger I can feel is towards myself and I’m not supposed to feel that. So, I’m trying to not do the one thing I’m capable of doing, which is being angry with myself, to hate myself, which I’m not supposed to do. But, it’s the only thing I know how to do. So, what the hell am I supposed to do? I’m not allowed to do that but I’m incapable of being angry with the people with whom I should be angry. That is where the frustration comes from . . . I can’t get a foothold in either direction.

And, concerning the hiking thing . . . it is more than just being out of shape . . . it’s like I’m too scared of actually doing it . . . or maybe it is something else . . . I don’t know what. Basically, I’ve abandoned my physical vitality to become a recluse. It’s even too scary to go for a walk around the block. I don’t mean I think something bad will happen to me while I’m out walking, but I’m afraid of what might shift inside of me if I did something like that . . . something that causes me to be connected with my body. I don’t know what that is about.

And, concerning the binge-eating . . . I told Edward that I didn’t start binging in a “major way” until after I got into therapy . . . but, that is not really true. I actually started binging at that level in the year or so before I got into therapy . . . it escalated after the trip to New Orleans and Baton Rouge with Lee went so badly . . . which was the straw that “broke the camel’s back” and caused me to totally give up on dating. That year before I started therapy was really a dark time . . . I knew that, if I didn’t get help, I was going to kill myself. It was during that year that I started withdrawing from everything – I withdrew from my “usual” social life and became a hermit – and, I started binge drinking and eating to manage the emotions that came up for me in my solitude.

As I left Edward’s office yesterday, he said he would try to check on me later in the day. I had told him it would have to be before 3:30pm since I was booked solid after that. He said he would try to call before then. But, he didn’t. I’m glad he didn’t . . . after allowing myself some time to binge and reflect, it was all I could do to get my must-do list done before 3:30. I really couldn’t have afforded the time to have an emotional conversation with him . . . it was a crazy rest-of-the-day . . .

Our music teachers association is holding our annual “achievement” event next month. It is a huge event; around 125 students participate. In advance of the event, students prepare performance pieces, take theory tests, create works of art, compose pieces, etc. Then, on the day of the event, they demonstrate their skills in scales, chords, transposition, improvisation, sight-reading, etc.

Student registrations for the event are due this week. We need them a month ahead of time so we have enough time prior to the event to set up all the schedules for the various performance evaluations. The registrations have to be delivered in person because neither the paperwork nor the check can be emailed – and I procrastinated too long to have enough lead time to send them via snail mail.

Editorial note: For reference’s sake, let me explain that the “big city” in which Edward’s office and the music store are located is a 30-minute drive to the northwest from my little town – I’ll call that city “City #1”. It is the largest city in our immediate area – and where I had spent the morning yesterday. Then, the music teachers association’s event is being held in what I’ll call “City #2”, which is a 30-minute drive to the east of my little town – almost the opposite direction of City #1.

It is not a quick task for me to drop off the registrations in City #2 – the drop-off point is on the far side of the town, so it takes me a good 80-90 minutes to make the round trip. I already had plans to go to the near side of City #2 yesterday evening for lessons with my little autistic student and his brother. So, I combined the trips into one big trip – I first dropped off the registrations and then I circled back around for the lesson.

Traffic was lighter than expected and I arrived in my students’ neighborhood about 10 minutes ahead of schedule. I was glad I was running ahead of schedule since I was planning to swing by Luke’s book-signing after the lesson . . . and the book-signing was in what I’ll call “City #3”, which is a 30-minute drive to the southwest of my little town and a 45-minute drive from my students’ house. (The three cities form an equidistant triangle around my little town.)

140) Title Unknown

Photo by Martin Chen

I was hoping that, if we could start the boys’ lessons 10 minutes early, we could finish 10 minutes early and I could attend the last 40 minutes of the two-hour book-signing presentation instead of only the last 30 minutes . . .

So . . . I pulled off the road just before arriving in their neighborhood and called to see if it would be okay for me to come 10 minutes early . . .

The mom, Kelly (who is also my mentor) said that, at the time the phone rang, she had been reaching for her phone to call me to see if we could start 15 minutes later than scheduled (meaning I would have to sit around and wait for 25 minutes to start lessons) because they had just gotten home from parent-teacher conferences and still needed to eat supper. So, I explained the whole I’m-already-in-your-neighborhood-and-I-need-to-stick-with-my-schedule-so-I-can-attend-the-book-signing thing . . . and we decided it would be best to just skip their lessons this week.

Ah, that was good news! I could head to the book-signing earlier than planned!

With a little thrill in my gut, I took off down the highway and headed towards the historical downtown area on the far side of City #3. I made good time. As I pulled into a spot in a parking lot, I checked the time . . . I was going to get to see the last 95 minutes of the two-hour presentation! That’s almost like getting to see the whole thing! Awesome!

Maybe the universe is working in unison with me on this one . . . maybe . . . I can only hope . . .

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 698


  1. I’ll be interested to see the next instalments of this one.

  2. Thanks for your supportive comments!

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