Posted by: Marie | February 1, 2013

(784) Icy cold front – Part 5 of 7

Post #784
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, February 15, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]


Edward: So, I would like to draw on something you said as you were talking about this morning’s exercise . . . I heard you say you feel you have limited value in dating circumstances . . .

Would that be accurate? Did I understand you correctly?

Me: Yes, you did.

Edward: Can you tell me more about that?

Me: Sure . . . like I said, I feel I’m valuable as a friend and as a professional, but I can’t imagine anyone would really want to date me . . . I can’t imagine anyone would want to be that close to me physically.

136) Vietnam

Vietnam by Martin Chen

Edward: Do you mean in the romantic sense?

Me: Yes, like a life partner – I can’t imagine anyone would want to get that close to me.

Edward: Because you think they wouldn’t be attracted to you physically?

Me: Yes . . . no matter how “cool” I am in all other ways, because I’m overweight and because I don’t take care of my body, no quality man is going to want to partner with me because he is going to be grossed out by my body . . . and, because I’m struggling with depression too much to make any progress with getting my body back into shape. It’s not like being overweight is likely a temporary situation . . . unless I’m able to get to feeling a whole lot better, I’m only going to get fatter and fatter . . . and who wants to have to come home to that every night?

I don’t have much hope that things are ever going to be better for me . . . I don’t have much hope that I’m ever going to get my act together enough to be attractive enough to attract a quality life partner. I find it very difficult to believe that someone could look past how I look on the outside and see the value of who I am on the inside. It seems a colossal waste of time and energy to even think about the possibility it could happen.

Edward: What happens if you spend time and energy on the possibility of finding a romantic partner?

Me: I get my hopes up, then I am crushed by the disappointment that always follows . . . and, if I reach out for connection with someone, then, more than likely, I look desperate. Desperation chases men away faster than anything – if I come across as desperate, then they won’t even give me the time of day . . . I never have a chance to develop a relationship of any kind with them.

Edward: In what ways does reaching out for connection come across as desperation?


I knew the best way to answer his question was to tell him about my crush on Luke . . but, I was really embarrassed about telling him . . . I didn’t want to admit how out-of-control my infatuation had become in the past couple of weeks.

I sat silently for a few moments, considering the wisdom of letting him see that vulnerability . . . then, I decided that the only way things are going to get better is if I expose the shameful stuff to the light . . .


Me: (Deep breath) Let me just say . . . I’m embarrassed to tell you this stuff . . . okay?? I just want you to know it is hard for me to talk about this . . .

Edward: You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.

Me: I want to . . . well, I want to deal with it and I don’t know of any other way to deal with it except to talk about it.

Edward: Okay. I’m here for you. I’ll support you in any way I can.

Is there anything I can do that would make it easier for you to talk about it?

Me: No . . . I just have to grit my teeth and do it . . .

(Another big breath) In my last email, I mentioned a guy named Brian Luke Seaward . . . have you ever heard of him?

Edward: Yes, I have . . . he wrote an endorsement for the book I authored . . . his blurb is on the cover.

Me: Oh, wow! I guess you have heard of him! What a small world!

Well, anyway . . . like I said in my email, he just published a coffee table book of photography from trips he has taken over the years. In the process of arranging to get a copy of his book, I came across his website. I checked out his website . . . he seems like a really cool guy.

I noticed his website never mentions a wife or a girlfriend . . . and, he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring in his photos.

(As I was saying that, I was watching Edward to see if he would give any hint as to whether he knew if Luke is “taken” or “available” . . . he gave me no indication either way . . . and, I wasn’t bold enough to ask outright . . . so, I continued . . . )

Me: I got this crazy idea that maybe, because of his apparent enlightenment and self-awareness, there is a possibility this guy would have the capacity to like me – to find me attractive – to show interest in me . . .

Anyway . . . I sent him an email confirming our arrangement for the drop-off and pick-up of the book . . . and for the payment of the book . . . and I put my contact information at the bottom of the email, including a link to my business website . . .

But, before I sent the email, I created this electronic path for him to follow that would introduce him to me . . . but, he wouldn’t know I created it specifically for him . . . I wanted him to think that information has always been out there and that he was checking me out on the sly . . . then it wouldn’t be about me inconsiderately vomiting my biographical information on him . . .

Edward: What kind of information are we talking about?

Me: Well, the link on the bottom of the email led to the home page of my business website, then there is a link on that home page that leads to the “About Marie” page, which has several paragraphs about the role music has played in my life, starting with childhood . . . that all has been there for a number of years.

And, I’ve had a separate website that contains audio recordings of the music I’ve composed along with a few notes about what inspired the composition . . . but, I hadn’t really put much effort into making it a high-quality page because it was more like a page I’d dump things to for people to download to check something out . . . it had never been made into a showcase of any kind . . .

And, the two websites had never been linked. So, I added a paragraph towards the bottom of the “About Marie” page that mentions that I’m on a healing journey and that composing music has been a huge part of my journey . . . and I put a link to the compositions page within that paragraph . . . and I spent several hours improving the compositions page so that it really showcased my work and my personality . . . I did all of that simply for the benefit of Luke, just in case he happened to get that far in his “checking me out” . . .

His website indicated that music is very important to him . . . especially healing sounds . . . most of my music is like that . . . I was hoping he would be attracted to me through my music . . . I figured that, if he got that far in his investigation of me, there would be a chance he would value what I have to offer. I couldn’t think of any other way I could get his attention.

He seems to be relatively famous . . . I’m sure he receives all kinds of social overtures from attractive women all the time . . . the chance he will notice me is slim to none . . . I figured this would give me the best chance without being desperate . . . maybe he could get to know who I am on the inside before he passes judgment on my external appearance.

I’m embarrassed to say that I stayed up well past my bedtime doing all that before I sent the email to him. He sent a quick response to my email . . . I kept a careful eye on the website stats for both websites to see if he had taken the bait . . . all I could think about is if he had looked at my websites, or not . . .

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 694

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