Posted by: Marie | January 29, 2013

(781) Icy cold front – Part 2 of 7

Post #781
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, February 15, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]


I took a big breath to indicate I had nothing more to add to that topic, then I asked what he would like to talk about in this session . . .


Edward: Do you have a preference?

Me: No, but we could pick up where we left off last time – we could talk about what was in my email.

Edward: I read your email in detail when I received it last week, but I’ve been battling stomach flu or food poisoning in the last day or two and didn’t get a chance to re-read it. So, I don’t really remember the details of what you wrote, although I remember the general gist of it.

133) Thailand

Thailand by Martin Chen

Me: (Laughing a little) I actually don’t remember the details of what I wrote, either, so we’ll just pretend that we both know and we’ll make it up as we go. Obviously, it isn’t anything that is weighing heavily on my mind!

(Edward laughed a little bit in response)

Edward: If I remember correctly – and I might not be remembering correctly – it seems you said, in your email, you were able to speak your truth with me and that was the first time you remembering being able to speak to someone that truthfully about how you felt.

Me: Yes, that is correct.

I sometimes have spoken the truth, but not before taking the temperature of the environment, and/or dangling out some bait first to test the waters to see if anyone was going to kick me for saying it . . . I’ve always been tentative in my speaking up . . . and my “truth” has always been filtered to some extent. So, last session was probably the first time in my life I can remember stating my truth without thinking through the consequences . . . well, I thought about the consequences, but, not so much . . . it is more that I felt free to speak my truth because I knew you weren’t going to jump all over me for it.

Edward: How was it for you to be able to speak your truth like that?

Me: I had a sense of power – I felt strong and powerful. And, I felt a sense of flow . . . instead of stopping my breath and stopping my words, I could actually speak the words and allow the breath to flow out of me. So there was a sense of flow instead of a sense of being paralyzed.

That sense of flow felt good, at least for a few minutes . . . and then I started back-peddling . . . a little voice inside of myself started telling me that my anger was not reasonable . . . that I’m not justified in being angry in that circumstance.

Edward: Can you tell me more about that?

Me: Well . . . it was a silly thing to be angry about. I hired you to inspire me, to encourage me to have hope for better things, and to lead me in that direction – that’s your job. If you didn’t do that, you wouldn’t be doing what I am paying you to do. It’s silly of me to be angry towards you for doing what I hired you to do. If I were reasonable and mature, I wouldn’t have felt that anger.

Edward: What would it take for your anger to be justified?

Me: I think anger is justified when someone is doing something that is purposefully harmful. I think anger towards a mistake is not really justified . . . or when someone hurts you unknowingly . . . I can’t really be angry towards someone unless he is aware he is doing something harmful or hurtful and makes a conscious choice to continue.

Edward: Do you allow yourself to feel anger when someone is – for example – disrespectful of your time?

Me: No . . . not unless I have called her attention to it and she continues . . . and then, instead of getting angry, I would probably stop doing business with that person. It would be my responsibility to set the boundaries . . . I would only have myself to blame if I didn’t set those boundaries. So, I don’t even think that would be something I would allow myself to feel anger around . . .

Edward: Because that would be immature . . . ??

Me: Well, yes . . . I guess . . . it doesn’t make sense to lose control of my emotions to the point of getting angry over something that small . . . I guess it’s a matter of control . . . self-control . . .

(With a sigh of resignation) I know that is my dad’s voice ringing in my head . . . that is what he taught me . . . but, I’m not sure he was wrong . . .

Edward: What is your dad’s voice telling you?

Me: My dad’s voice is telling me that only childish people – immature people – blame other people for their own shortcomings and faults.

Edward: Allowing yourself to feel anger is a shortcoming?

Me: It is when it comes up in response to something that doesn’t deserve anger . . . allowing emotion to override reasonable analysis of a situation is a shortcoming . . .

Edward: Tell me more about that . . .

Me: If I were a mature, reasonable person, I wouldn’t be angry towards you for doing your job – for doing what I hired you to do. I should be able to see that you were doing what you were supposed to do . . . and that I was getting triggered by something . . . that is my problem . . . it has nothing to do with you . . . I know that . . . I should be able to keep myself from feeling angry with you in that situation . . . in that case, my anger is not justified.

Edward: I think your anger is very justified and very reasonable.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 691

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