Posted by: Marie | December 31, 2012

(774) Wild ideas

Post #774
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, February 4, 2012]

Today, my student James (the cop) had a lesson. When I sent him my 13-page life story awhile back, I told him in the email that I wasn’t expecting him to talk to me about it – I told him he was welcome to bring it up, but that I wouldn’t bring it up because I didn’t want him to feel obligated to talk to me about all my drama.

126) Title Unknown

Photo by Martin Chen

Today, I brought up the subject of my blog . . . I mentioned that I thought it was cool that a doctorate candidate is including my blog in her dissertation research. I was sort of hoping my bringing up the blog might be a bridge to some feedback from James on my story. But, that didn’t happen.

I was careful to keep what I said focused on trauma blogging in general, and about literary styles that show up in trauma blogging (which is the focus of the researcher’s study). I didn’t say anything about the contents of my blog. He may have refrained from asking for more information on the details of my story because he doesn’t want to pry . . . or, he may not want to talk about it with me. Either way, the conversation was pretty benign.

I am glad for the meaningful conversation James and I share. It would be nice if he would talk to me about my story. But I don’t want to push the boundaries.

And, on another front, I sent an addendum email to Edward today:

Oh . . . and, the reason I felt anger towards you in the session is because I was feeling pressure to be what I’m “supposed” to be and because I feel totally incapable of ever being that. I hate that I’ll never be able to measure up – so, I’m really angry at myself for not being tough enough, focused enough, etc. to “get there”. That is what is also behind much of my anger I felt towards my dad when he was alive – anger towards him for pushing me to be something I never can be and anger towards myself for never being enough to make it happen. I guess that is my trigger.

I tell myself that I really don’t want to be what my dad wanted me to be – and that is partially true. However, I want some of the same things for myself (health, peace, happiness) that he wanted for me . . . I feel that I’ll never “get there” either . . . and I can’t imagine someone wanting to be my life partner – who wants a partner who is unhealthy and depressed with no hope of getting better?

The Hero’s Journey might not be very pretty, but isn’t there supposed to be a prettier outcome at some point? What if I never get to the pretty part?

Wow . . . my head is spinning – it’s the same old arguments, same internal battles.

Edward responded this afternoon:

Dear Marie,

Thanks for the update.

I did receive them both, and I’ll make some time to read through these prior to our next meeting.

I look forward to seeing you again soon.

Warmly,

Edward

And, finally, I am getting quite angry with myself for yet another shortcoming . . .

I know that what I wrote about Luke in my first email to Edward was pretty emotionally detached . . . but, in reality, I’ve developed a huge crush on Luke. As soon as I checked out his web site, I got all these wild ideas that he would be a really cool person to date . . . he could be my knight in shining armor . . . la la la . . .

What the hell? Just because I like what he stands for and just because he isn’t wearing a wedding ring in his photos on the web site, I’m now “falling in love” with this guy I really know nothing about. What the hell? Am I that desperate for male attention?

I’m so hung up on him that I’m not sleeping well . . . I’m experiencing major giddiness that transforms into major anxiety around not feeling “good enough” . . . and hopeless . . . and then I binge eat to try to numb the wild emotions. . . what the hell? Why can’t I control my feelings better than this? I’m behaving like a silly school girl!!

I try to control my feelings . . . I try to remind myself that having a crush on someone only brings disappointment and pain . . . I try to stop my feelings . . . but, I can’t control them. I’m consumed by this fantasy that he is going to fall in love with me and take away all my loneliness . . . that, because of his background, he will understand me and be gentle and kind to me . . . that he will see my value, even in my broken state . . .

WHAT THE HELL??????

Quotes 684


Responses

  1. I’ve never met anyone who really controls their feelings. People try to ignore, suppress, numb – and it half works (but the effort is very visible and proclaims the feelings loud and clear).

    Maybe you were this desperate for male attention. If so, that is valuable information.

    I hope by now you have worked through some of this stuff. I have some idea of how difficult this is.

    • I especially like your paragraph on “Maybe you were this desperate for male attention . . . ” I like that you allow space for that to be the case and for it to be neither good nor bad . . . thank you for that!

  2. Sometimes I think the major battle after child abuse is not turning the anger inwards. We always want to do that. Therapy gives us a chance to direct it at someone who will not take it personally. You seem to beat yourself up a lot, even about your ‘performance’ as a therapy client, at the least sign of anger. Anger after abuse just shows you’re alive IMO.

    I hear you on ‘inappropriate’ romantic feelings. Sigh. I do this also. From what you’ve described, it sounds unlikely that you would get together with this author / healer, so it would be frustrating. I’d love to know why I do this kind of thing also. But anyway, your were not harming anyone else here – also no need to beat yourself up once again. Where there’s a void, feelings and thoughts will come to fill it – it’s a natural law.

    • Hey, Ellen –

      I found your words very comforting . . . my take-away is that anger is normal, crushes are normal . . . and I’m doing okay with all of this . . .

      Thank you!

      – Marie

  3. Hi Marie,

    Crushes are a bit out of our control. It isn’t as though you could have stopped yourself from having a crush. Once you have one you can try to manage it.

    If it is someone who is aware, nice, functional, healthy all of that is good. You are drawn to that and that is a very healthy thing. I think that no matter what level a survivor is at they dream of something better, especially in love, at least some of the time. And I think that is healthy too.

    I currently have some inners who have a crush on someone. It is not realistic and I try to talk them out of it all of the time. It is something that I have found just needs to run it’s course while I try to manage disappointment and expectations. It does feel juvenile, but the truth is, it happens to everybody. If you ever looked at fan sites or pinterest you would see tons of adults with what would best be described as high school crushes on others. My best friend struggles with this as well, I think it does give her something definite and healing, she is imaging what she wants, and what she doesn’t, she works on boundaries, she works on healing, she feels less alone some of the time.

    A crush, like any love where you don’t really know the other person very well, is psychologically about ourselves and what we are projecting onto that other person, some of us, some of what we need, some of what we believe is out there. I think in this process you can accept this, and yourself through this, and look at all your good qualities that you already have and yet don’t really know about or accept about yourself yet. You totally have a huge amount of good qualities, and I think anyone who reads your blog and who comments on your blog can attest to that. Additionally you are lovable and I so can see a potential partner loving you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • Hi, Kate –

      There are a couple of things you wrote that really hit home for me . . .

      1) The fact that I’m drawn to an apparently healthy person is a very good sign.

      2) Crushes just need to run their course.

      Thanks for the “ah hahs”!

      – Marie

      • Hi Marie,

        I’m glad for the ah ha moments. And thanks for letting me know, I appreciate that. Good and healing thoughts to you.

        Kate


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