Posted by: Marie | December 25, 2012

(769) Passive anger – Part 6 of 7

Post #769
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

———————

Edward: So . . . did something happen with your friends?

Me: Well, maybe . . . yeah . . . there was a Judy Blume book they were talking about where a girl lost her virginity and there was pain involved. I wanted to get a copy of that book and I asked my girlfriends how to get a hold of it. They thought it was weird that I wanted to get a hold of the book so badly.

And, whenever I would babysit someone’s kids, I would always thumb through their books on their bookshelves . . . or I’d look in their nightstands for “how to” books on sex . . . I’d mostly try to find text where someone was getting raped – where there was pain . . . (I stumbled around for words) . . . you know . . . there was pain because the girl would be a virgin . . .

Edward: So, the feeling of being disgusting would come from the fact that you would go looking for that kind of material in people’s books?

Ali Mountain by Martin Chen

Ali Mountain by Martin Chen

Me: Yes . . . and that it was arousing for me . . . and that I would masturbate to it . . .

I learned very quickly that you don’t talk about that – I learned you don’t tell people that rape scenes are arousing for you. Anytime I brought it up to my girlfriends, they would tell me, “You are a pervert!” so I learned to keep that quiet.

Edward: And that caused shame to be attached to your fantasies and your arousal?

Me: Yes, of course.

(After taking a deep breath) I think I hung onto the memories of being molested through the fantasies . . . like the fantasies were the version of the story I could tolerate remembering. I do have faint memories of starting to make sense of the fantasies . . . filling in the details about the sex act . . . what specific part of my body would experience the pain and what specific part of the man’s body would create the pain . . . that it was about rape and not really about having babies . . . but, I don’t remembering recalling the abuse, just the fantasies.

Edward: It would make perfect sense for you to masturbate to rape fantasies, given what you went through.

Me: I logically understand that now, but I didn’t know that back then. But, the way things unfolded in my childhood caused me to attach shame to so much of who I am. I got the message I was disgusting.

(Becoming emotional again) I’ve had a lifetime of thinking I’m disgusting. I logically know I’m not, but it’s all I’ve ever known . . . to think of myself that way. It’s engrained . . . decades of believing that about myself . . . it is what I’ve always known about myself.

It is a core belief – a firmly rooted one . . . I don’t think I can change it.

And . . . there is no way I can be in a relationship when I believe that about myself.

(I got hit with strong emotion again . . . shame, hopelessness . . . it was so heavy and it kept me from taking a deep breath. Edward sat silently with me for quite a while until I caught my breath again.)

Edward: Marie, there are so many emotions showing up here . . . I’m wondering what is underneath your emotions . . . I’m wondering what is underneath your tears . . .

Are you able to identify that?

(I shrugged my shoulders)

Edward: Are you sad that a romantic relationship hasn’t manifested for you yet? Are you grieving the time you’ve lost . . . years of your life that you missed out on having a relationship . . . ??

Or, are you grieving the perceived absence of the possibility that it will ever happen?

Me: I’m sad that I’m never going to have a relationship . . . I want to have it . . . it is a basic human need and I’m never going to have it.

It’s like if I had a dream of being a professional basketball player . . . at some point I have to realize I’m too short for that to ever occur and I have to let go of that dream. The same is true here . . . I’m never going to have a relationship and I need to let go of that hope.

It is less painful to have no hope than it is to have hope and have it dashed again and again. I have to let go of the hope. I can’t tolerate having hope.

Edward: (Very gently) There is a difference between not yet having something and not yet having the skills/ability to create it . . . it is possible to shift from one to the other . . .

———————

I felt another wave of anger and frustration hit me and I started disconnecting from reality . . . I allowed myself to drift out the window and into the tree tops . . . Edward patiently waited for me to return . . .

While I was drifting, I tried to figure out what was going on with me. I kept thinking I was angry he was pushing me to change how I was showing up in relationships – but then I realized he wasn’t pushing me to change anything . . . really, he was inviting me to consider another possibility . . .

———————

Me: I’m angry because it hurts when you poke me.

Edward: (With great concern) Does it feel like I’m poking you?

Me: Well, yeah . . . it feels like you are poking a sore spot. I understand that it is healthy for me to go through this, but it hurts and I’m angry because I don’t like this.

Edward: I didn’t mean to poke a sore spot. I am so sorry that this conversation is causing you pain.

Me: It’s not like you doing it to be mean; it’s just a necessary part of your job. It’s like when my chiropractor presses on a knotted muscle . . . it’s got to be done and it’s good for me, but it really hurts at the time, in the short run.

(Once again, Edward observed me carefully for a few moments before he spoke . . . )

Edward: Marie, what is it you really want to tell me? Can you tell me?

(His question caused me to look underneath the anger . . . I was able to peek at the repressed raw emotion that was threatening to explode . . . I warned myself to keep it contained . . . it was too dangerous . . . I couldn’t allow all that to explode onto Edward, he is not the cause, he doesn’t deserve it . . . )

Edward: There . . . what is that? What did you just tap into?

Me: I can’t unload all that onto you.

Edward: Yes, you can . . . it is safe for you to do that in here. I can handle it.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

Quotes 679


Responses

  1. I hope you did manage to unload it – in this session or later.

    • Hang on to your hat . . . here it comes!

  2. wow, such amazing work. so impressed by your ability to tap into what’s underneath, and express it. can’t wait to read what happens next. oh, and merry christmas!

    • Thank you, Catherine . . . and Merry Christmas, Happy New Year (and all of that) to you, too!


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