Posted by: Marie | December 2, 2012

(760) No win situation

Post #760
[Private journal entry written on Friday, January 6, 2012]

It’s 2:30am in the morning . . .

Nearly two days ago, I told Edward that I was going to call Jared and ask him out for a cup of coffee so I could get some clarity about where I stand with him. During the therapy session, I believed my concern was about crossing professional boundaries. Edward asked me if I was afraid of rejection . . . I assured him that was not the case.

However, yesterday, I started imagining all the ways my invitation could go bad. And, most of those scenarios had to do with Jeff rejecting me. So, I guess I am afraid of his rejection.

Photo by Martin Chen

Photo by Martin Chen

Anyway . . . I fell asleep okay, but now I’m awake in the middle of the night . . .

I woke up feeling stressed . . . I have so much to do, I’m never going to get caught up, I’m never going to be able to do everything I need to do . . . I need to get my act together, I need to lose weight . . . I’m never going to be able to eat healthily . . . I’m always going to be stressed and have to binge eat to relieve that stress . . . I’m stuck in that hopeless feeling again . . . I’m never going to get my act together.

My mind is wandering through all the items on my to do list. And, one of the things on my to do list is to call Jared and set up that cup of coffee. When I think about that, I get this panicked feeling that, if I call him and if I tell him I would like to have a friendship, and if that conversation goes well, then I know what comes next . . . I will be obligated to put time and energy I don’t have to spare into maintaining a friendship/relationship.

I can’t ask for a relationship that I don’t have time and energy to maintain. If we do establish a relationship, then I have to have the energy to deal with the drama of “does he like me or not”? I don’t have the energy to deal with that right now. I’m already overwhelmed. There is no way I can add one more thing to the list of things I have to do . . . I can’t add one more thing to the list of thing “I have to be enough for”.

I’m hard on other people about keeping their commitments – I hold them to their commitments and give them a hard time when they don’t do what they promised they would do. I can’t cut myself slack around that.

There is just no way I can handle taking on the weight of a relationship. I can’t add that to my already full plate. I don’t have the needed bandwidth. The idea of that is incredibly overwhelming and discouraging . . . and heavy, heavy, heavy.

I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to take that on. The weight of the drama around whether he likes me or not – if he is going to reject me or not – adds to this overall heaviness. I’m overwhelmed with the idea of trying to keep my hope up enough to be able to move forward with the relationship . . . while, at the same time, not hoping so much that it is devastating when it doesn’t work out.

Then, I think to myself . . . now you are just being overly dramatic. The healthy thing to do would be to get over myself and reach out to Jared. By allowing myself to dwell on this drama, I’m being a victim – I’m malingering, etc., etc., etc., and all that crap. If I really want to get better, if I really want to heal, I need to get off my ass and call him.

Either way, I can’t win. Part of me wants to dump these thoughts in an email to Edward . . . I want to tell him, “My mind is racing. Here is what is going on with me”. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to because I’m embarrassed by the fact I can’t make myself do the healthy thing. I don’t want to call attention to that.

Maybe if I don’t ever bring it up again to Edward, then maybe he won’t bring it up again. Maybe we can just ignore it . . . that’s not to say that I’m ignoring it, because I’m definitely thinking about it. But, if I can get Edward to ignore it, if I don’t bring it up again to him, maybe I won’t have to admit to him that I’m not able to do the healthy thing.

I kind of regret saying anything to Edward about Jared in this last session – about the possibility of dating. I wish I would have just stayed in my stuck position so I wouldn’t have to deal with these new fears – either way, I’m paralyzed by fear.

Quotes 670


  1. I know this is in the past…IMO, there was no one “healthy thing” for you to be doing in this situation. Jared was giving extremely mixed messages, and some people would say the right thing would be to let it go, others would try harder to connect again. I think you were being too hard on yourself here. Baby steps.

    The fact that you would even consider dating anyone seems already like a huge step you took at this time.

    • You make several great points, Ellen . . . mixed signals, no clear answers, I could lighten up . . .

      I think this has a lot to do with the reactionary terror I feel anytime I reach out for human connection . . . heavy stuff, I’m afraid!

      – Marie

  2. I agree with Ellen about baby steps (as you probably guessed).

    I will be interested to hear how this situation resolved (if it has) – lots of big feelings around this stuff for you I know.

    • Hey, Evan –

      I appreciate your supportive words . . .

      It is something I still struggle with . . . and have come to the conclusion I probably will struggle with it for the rest of my life, at least to some degree. I think the damage was early enough to be more or less permanent . . .

      – Marie

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