Posted by: Marie | November 29, 2012

(758) The yin and yang of things – Part 3 of 4

Post #758
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, January 4, 2012 – continued from the previous post]

—————

Me: Let me ask you something . . .

Edward: Sure!

Me: Do you remember Jared, the guy who went with me to the game night?

Edward: Yes, I do.

Me: We hit it off so well during the game night . . . at the end of the evening, I was left with the impression that he was going to contact me to go out again. But, I never heard from him. I have since invited him to dinner for my birthday . . . I sent the invitation via email . . . I never heard back from him.

The Way by Martin Chen

The Way by Martin Chen

I’ve seen him several times since then at the studio . . . he is always friendly . . . he acts like we are good friends and he always seems genuinely glad to see me . . . so, it’s not like he is avoiding me or acting uncomfortable around me. So, I’m really confused.

Edward: Are you concerned that you did something that alienated him or caused him to not like you? Or, that maybe you were out of line or you made him feel uncomfortable during your evening together?

Me: Well, not so much . . . when I look back at how the game night ended . . . he indicated he had a good time and wanted to get together again. I don’t think I read him wrong . . .

Maybe his brain injury is causing him to not remember who I am and the evening we had together, maybe it causes him to not be able to read social cues . . . but he sure acts like he remembers who I am. I don’t know what to make of his behavior. I suspect that he is dealing with his own self-esteem issues because he does have a lot of issues and it might be difficult for him to believe that someone would want to spend time with him.

His mom and step-dad always seem glad to see me, too . . . the whole bunch of them really seem to like me. So, I don’t know what to make of the situation.

Edward: Is the relationship with his mother such that you could ask her about it?

Me: Well, not so much, I’m not that close to her . . . I’m somewhat close with her, but I think that would be pushing the boundaries too much.

Edward: Okay. So, if you didn’t have to worry about “doing it right” and if you didn’t have to worry about what he thought of you, how would you handle it?

Me: I’d like to call him up and ask him to go for a cup of coffee. Then, over coffee, I’d like to say: I like you and would like to get to know you better. I am aware you are dealing with some big issues, but you have so many cool attributes that I appreciate a lot. The issues you are dealing with might cause awkward situations with most people, but they don’t for me. They don’t stand in the way of my wanting to get to know you. I also have my own issues . . . we could figure out how to deal with them together. Are you interested in taking that journey together? Then, he can answer yes or no. At least, then I would know.

Edward: What’s stopping you from doing that?

Me: I don’t want to create an uncomfortable situation. I don’t want it to be so uncomfortable for him that he doesn’t feel comfortable coming to his daughter’s lessons or recitals – then, his daughter would suffer. She shouldn’t have to suffer because of me hitting on her dad. She shouldn’t have to suffer just because I’m looking for a date. That’s too big of a risk.

Edward: It is a risk, but I don’t think it would be an unreasonable risk. What concerns you most about it?

Me: (After a thoughtful pause) I’m afraid of being desperate . . . if he is trying to let me down gently and I keep pushing, he might be thinking: Sheesh, girl . . . I didn’t return your emails, I didn’t ask you to go out again . . . can’t you take a hint?

Edward: Do you fear he’ll reject you?

Me: No . . . it’s more that I’m afraid it will create an uncomfortable environment around piano lessons.

Edward: Okay . . . let me say this . . . your description of the situation doesn’t feel desperate to me . . .

Now, if you threw a rock through his bedroom window at 2am and crawled through the window and asked him to marry you . . . that would be desperate. But, to call up and say “Let’s have some coffee” doesn’t feel desperate to me. It sounds to me like you are simply asking for a friendship – you are asking him to go for a cup of coffee to explore the possibility of a friendship – you aren’t asking him to be part of a romantic relationship right off the bat.

Me: You have a good point . . . and, I wouldn’t be willing to date him until I knew him a lot better than I do now. For now, I’m just looking for a friendship first.

Edward: That certainly doesn’t sound desperate to me. I think you are recognizing that he might be dealing with his own self-esteem issues and you want to encourage him to build a friendship with you despite those issues. I think it is worth having a conversation about it with him.

Besides, you were just saying that you are feeling less infatuation around men in general – is it possible that would translate into your feeling and acting less desperate?

Me: I can see what you are saying . . . I guess I’m so afraid of being desperate because I always felt and acted desperately as a teenager . . . and even as an adult. I’m used to people telling me that I act desperately.

So, now one of my greatest fears is to come across as desperate. I really don’t know how not to do that . . . I don’t know which behaviors are desperate and which are not. I don’t know what would be considered “normal” behavior in this arena.

Edward: I can tell you that what I am hearing you say today does not sound desperate to me. It would not be unreasonable to invite him for a cup of coffee and have that conversation with him. You would just be asking him to go for a cup of coffee so you can tell him you are confused about the mixed signals and you would like clarification so you know where you stand with him.

It sounds like this could be a worthwhile relationship.

Me: I agree. Okay . . . well, maybe I’ll call him up and ask him to go for a cup of coffee.

Edward: Well, good! I’m glad to hear that!

Me: You know . . . I really like this guy. He is thoughtful . . . he is super smart . . . he is well-read and a deep thinker . . . he can intelligently discuss philosophy, religion, politics . . . I know he has been married and divorced, so I know he legally has the mental capacity to make a decision to date and get married. I think one of the reasons it is easy for me to talk with him is that we both have the ENTJ personality profile . . . it seems we “get” each other.

By the way, James, the cop, has an INTJ profile . . . I guess that is similar enough to mine that it is easy for me to talk with him . . .

Anyway . . . I like how careful Jared is with his daughter – he is supportive and kind to her. Even with her learning disabilities, I can see she has been given a lot of self-confidence. She’s been given a lot of space to be creative and she feels she is a person of value.

I feel safe with him. He is really gentle and kind and seems to be an enlightened soul . . . I imagine that is because of everything he has had to deal with in his lifetime. I really like him and I like spending time with him.

Edward: I like him, too!

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


Responses

  1. I’m an INTJ. I’m surprised a cop is an INTJ.

    On reading this I wondered if you could find some really small steps you’d be comfortable with. Like inviting him for coffee with the agenda being to invite him for another. At the next ask if it would be ok to invite him to another games night. Then a few days after coffee invite him to a games night. Then another couple of coffees and perhaps another activity – something different to a games night. And so on in small steps that you feel, “hell yeah! I can do that”.

    Which Edward may have suggested in this session and you may have done by now.

    Looking forward to seeing what eventuates.

    • Hey, Evan –

      I like your suggestion about the small steps . . . and, that is valuable input because I do tend to take big steps in relationships . . . I tend to be full “on” or full “off” with people.

      Thank you for the idea!

      – Marie


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