Posted by: Marie | November 25, 2012

(755) A new day for reflecting

Post #755
[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, January 3, 2012]

Well, it’s the new year! When I went to pay my rent yesterday, I asked Erik if the amount was increasing. He said no. So, that’s good news.

Oh, and . . . the cable didn’t get shut off. The source of the problem was that my cat had stepped on the on/off switch on the power strip and turned off power to my cable box. So, there you go . . . more good news.

And, last week, I prepared a report on what all has happened with Bailey’s disclosure, starting with her disclosure and including everything up through the day Jane walked out of the lesson. A week ago (Dec 27), I sent it via email to our local police department. That way, if an issue ever comes up again with their family, the police will have enough information to see if a pattern might be developing. Here is the cover letter I sent:

Hi, Officer Lopez –

This is Marie Smith, the piano teacher who filed a report of suspected child abuse within the XXXX family on December 3rd.

When I spoke to you, you asked me to keep you updated if there was a change in my relationship with the family as a result of the report being filed. The purpose of this email is to notify you that the relationship has changed in that way. I’ve captured the details in the attached Word document.

Nothing particularly alarming came out of that change. Therefore, I see this email/document as a footnote to be added to the initial case file. It may provide background/context if another report is filed in the future, but it is not “report worthy” in and of itself.

Could you let me know that you received this email? (I don’t need more follow-up than that.) Thank you!

– Marie Smith

And, I have a therapy session in the morning. I’m preparing for it tonight . . .

I forgot to talk to Edward last session about the situation with Bailey, and about how I seem to be kicking a lot of people out of my life lately. I’d like to touch on all of that tomorrow. I believe I handled everything appropriately, but I’m curious if he might have something to add that I haven’t thought of yet. He often has additional insight.

Mostly, I want to spend our session time getting into the physical stuff – the body memories. But, I’ve got to say, I’m feeling sick about doing anything around that. I mean, the idea of doing even just a simple therapeutic exercise makes me feel frozen and sick – I dread it . . . but, I supposed we need to.

I wonder if it would be helpful to Edward if I tell him three different scenarios that often cause me to get triggered:

1) I feel terror around saying things to my dad – being expressive in that way.

2) I feel anxiety when I think about sexual touch – the idea of that is disgusting to me.

3) Every night as I lie in bed, I want to imagine being held by a guy from whom there is no expectation of sex. I try and try and try and try to come up with a scenario in which that could realistically happen, but I never can because every scenario I can think of would either be inappropriate – as in sinful – or I would be required to have sex – or it would be someone I don’t really don’t care about or respect. So, I can’t ever come up with a scenario that would work, so I don’t ever get to really enjoy that fantasy – because, for whatever reason, I can’t really immerse myself into a fantasy unless it feels realistic to me.

So, I’ll share that with him and see if it helps to get us going with the body memories exercises. I don’t know . . . he might already have his own ideas.

I guess we’ll see!


  1. I hope Edward managed to come up with some stuff that wasn’t scary.

    • Hey, Evan –

      I have to laugh . . . that is an ongoing challenge! It’s all pretty scary!

      – Marie

  2. I know the original entry was a long time ago, but asexual men are out there too. :)

    • Hi, Duck –

      Hmmm . . . that’s an interesting concept . . . that would make the idea of dating a bit easier to embrace . . .

      One of the thoughts that runs through my head is that, if the therapy process does work, I might become interested in sex . . .

      I don’t think I’m asexual, I think I just have a lot of crap around the idea of sex that disgusts me. That crap might dissipate with healing . . . then, I might really want to have sex. In fact, in the 11 months since this point, I’ve been SLOWLY moving in that direction . . . not sure if I will get there before I die of old age, but maybe . . .

      Thank you for the input!

      – Marie

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