Posted by: Marie | November 23, 2012

(754) Serial dilution

Post #754
[Private journal entry written on Sunday, December 25, 2011]

Merry Christmas!

Today is a very quiet day for me. A couple of days ago, I took my mom to the Denver airport so she could fly to the west coast to be with my sister for Christmas. The night before, we had gotten hit with a fairly significant snow storm. So, we allowed 2½ hours travel time from her house instead of the usual 1½ hours – it took us over three hours to get there. That meant she was cutting it too close for comfort on making her flight, especially right before Christmas when the airport is a zoo and the lines are long.

I dropped her off at the terminal door then I parked the car to go inside to meet her. We figured that she could stand in line to check-in and I could hold a spot for her at the ticket counter in case she had to reschedule. But, as I was walking in through the doors of the main terminal, she was calling me to say she had already checked in and that the security lines were short . . . she was going to make it with time to spare. So, over the phone, I wished her a safe trip and turned right back around and exited the terminal.


Anyway . . . back to today . . .

My brother (who lives an hour away from me) is visiting his kids down south. My housemates are visiting her family up north . . . so, it’s just me and the animals. Yup . . . it will be a very quiet day today.

I was really struggling with emotions yesterday (Christmas Eve). I think I’m reacting to the heaviness of the therapy session this week. Yesterday was the first chance I’ve had to feel and process those emotions. I had one lesson yesterday morning (10am). I slept right up until the time I had to get up for that. Then, as soon as I got back to the house after the lesson, I crawled back in bed and slept another four or so hours. I think I got up around 3pm.

Photo by Martin Chen

I’m not feeling any better today. The hopelessness is kicking in big time and there is nothing like a quiet holiday to amplify painful emotions. I think it is the empty schedule that bothers me far more than the holiday. I’ve found that I don’t really care that a particular day has the label of “holiday” attached to it . . . for me, it’s just another day. But, I do find it disconcerting to have to stop my usual business in order to grant other people a few days away from their usual business. It gets in the way of my productivity – although, really, how productive am I if I’m curled up under the covers?

It’s weird, I know.

Anyway, I tried to put together a list of things I would like to get done while I have this downtime. But, even the act of making the list was overwhelming. I think I’m much more likely to actually get something done if I just pick up one thing and do it rather than creating a list and then selecting an item from it.

And, the cable TV died yesterday. I had cable access around the time of the piano lesson, but it was gone when I woke up in the afternoon. I know my housemates had discussed cutting back on cable to help balance their new financial budget, but I didn’t think they would actually turn it off completely. I find it hard to believe they would turn it off completely – they are addicted to it. But, maybe they did . . . if so, it would have been nice to know about it.

We still have internet access, so I tried to watch some free TV shows online. But, the selection sucks and both my laptop and my tablet overheat within 10-15 minutes. So, that isn’t really an option. I did pull a couple of movies from my housemate’s DVD collection – but, our tastes in movies are very different and I’m not much of a movie buff, anyway. I watched the one movie that interested me (“Pay it Forward”).

If I weren’t fighting depression, this wouldn’t be an issue – I’d just work on my computer and not even turn on the TV. But, I’m not functioning very well and I really would like to numb out by watching TV.

So . . . that is why I’m journaling . . . because I can’t stand to do nothing, because I can’t force my body to sleep anymore, because journaling is the only thing I can get myself to do right now.

On the humorous side . . . my cat is providing some entertainment for me . . .

Bogey (the cat) has discovered that he can stand on the top of the bookcases and push up on the tiles in the dropped ceiling – which then allows him to climb up into the ceiling and take off across the basement – which then allows him to fall through the ceiling and land in the main part of the basement – which then allows him to escape out into any other part of the house and maybe even to the outdoors (if he can find a door open).

He has also discovered that, because I know the risks involved in him escaping through the ceiling, he can bring me out of a dead sleep by pushing on the ceiling tiles. Apparently I listen for that noise even when I’m in a deep sleep. If he wants to eat or play and I happen to be sleeping, he’ll starting pushing on the tiles . . . voila . . . he has my immediate and full attention.

I can holler at him to stop and I can spray him with the water bottle, but he won’t actually stop until I go pull him down off the bookcases. Then he purrs and purrs because he got what he wants. He has trained me well.

I have tried a couple of solutions . . . I tried piling stuff on top of the bookcases to keep him off of them and away from the ceiling tiles . . . but it is downright mean to take away his favorite spy spots (he bats me on the head as I walk by).

And, he is super determined to get on top of the bookcases despite the stuff piled on top . . . he will climb and jump until he finds a way up there . . . in the middle of the night, I’ll hear this thud, then a sliding/scratching noise, then a crash . . . and I’ll know that he just slid down the side of the bookcase, bringing some of the stuff from off the top with him to the floor. Eventually, he gets it all cleared off and then he is back to his old tricks. I finally just took everything down and let him have his space – he won.

My second attempted solution was to put packing tape on all the metal rails of the dropped ceiling. I was thinking this would tape the tiles to the rails, creating a seal. But, while the tape sticks very well to the rails, it doesn’t stick very well to the vinyl tiles. It makes it only a tad harder for Bogey to get the tiles pushed up – he digs at the edge of the tape until he has dug a hole in the tile – which allows him to grab a hold of the tape and pull it off . . . not the result I wanted . . . now I have even more tape covering the holes in the tiles . . .

I haven’t come up with a third potential solution yet . . . but I’m working on it . . . it helps if I wear him out in the evening by playing hard with him (thank you, Jackson Galaxy). He is such a high-energy cat . . . I love him and I enjoy his company, but he is very demanding, LOL!

He has been wanting to play a lot today – he doesn’t appreciate that my attention is on the computer. So, he has been pushing on the tiles non-stop. And then he started in on the lampshade next to my bed . . . he has been shredding it a little at a time by hanging off of it . . . it is a very old (30 years?) plastic and cloth lampshade that was already almost ready to go in the trash, so I don’t care if he tears it up. At least it keeps him busy.

It’s just that . . . well, he’s so dang cute and a world-class cuddler. He still sucks on my fingers, he leaps into my arms when I walk in the door and rubs his face all over my nose . . . as soon as I clean his litter box, he has to stop whatever he is doing to come over to the litter box and pee in it. It’s like he can’t stand to not have his mark in the litter. Sometimes he doesn’t even wait for me to refill it with litter . . . crazy cat! And, when I hold him like a baby, he closes his eyes, purrs like a motor and gets this look of total bliss on his face.

I’m afraid I’m in love, big time.

Okay, enough about my love life . . . here is the thought I originally had in mind when I started journaling today:

There are three men who are key in my life right now: Edward (my therapist), James (the cop piano student) and Jeff (the psychiatrist piano student). All three of them have one child – a daughter. (Well, Jeff’s daughter hasn’t been born yet, but he already has stepped into a “dad” mode.) I don’t know if that is coincidence or destiny. Either way, I get to see how they treat their daughters . . . how they are really cool dads. When I see that, I think, “Yes!! Way to go!” It makes me feel good to know that those daughters will grow up being treated well by their dads.

Something else that I’m noticing . . . now that I have three men – four, if you include my cousin – who are important in my life, I’m less infatuated with any one of them. I don’t feel the infatuation nearly as intensely as I did when there was just one . . . when Mark was the sole focus of my infatuation . . . when Edward was the sole focus . . . when some junior high classmate was my teenage crush for a few weeks . . .

It’s like the infatuation is getting diluted by being spread out over multiple men. I no longer feel like I’m living or dying based on one man’s approval and attention. The desperation I’m so used to feeling is fading as well. I’m glad because the resulting disappointment is crushing. And, it has never felt good to me to be infatuated with married men . . . my childhood indoctrination has me believing I’ll surely go to hell for that . . . not really . . . but it feels like it on a core level.

That shift is a huge relief for me. Huge.

So, I think I’m done journaling for now . . . I’m going back under the covers, I think. Maybe Bogey will join me for some cuddles.

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